Squigly Squigly's Jokes and Riddles

Jokes

We've got lots of funny jokes for you! These riddles, knock, knock jokes and jokes have been submitted by kids from all over the world. We know they will make you LOL! :D

Riddles

Q. Where do pirates like to eat?
A. ARR-bys!

Q. What is the hardest part about skating?
A. The ice, when you get right down to it!

Q. What did the father Easter egg do when the mother Easter egg told him a joke?
A. He cracked up!

Q. Why was the girl staring at the juice box?
A. Because it said: "Concentrate."

Q. Which one is faster, hot or cold?
A. Hot. You can catch cold!

Q. What did the fish say to the octopus while the octopus was eating?
A. Lend me a tentacle or 8.

Q. Why did the boy scream when he opened the fridge?
A. Because he saw the salad dressing.

Q. Why is arithmetic hard work?
A. All those numerals you have to carry.

Q. What do you call a deaf dinosaur?
A. Anything you like, he can't hear you!

Q. What is a ghost's favourite ride?
A. A roller-ghoster.

Q. What is the same size as a elephant, yet weighs nothing?
A. An elephant's shadow!

Q. Why did the boy study on an airplane?
A. He wanted to get a higher education.

Q. Why did the phone cross the road?
A. To find his friends the numbers!

Q. How do you know when an Irish person is happy?
A. When they are Dublin over with laughter!

Q. What do you get when you cross a magician with a camera?
A. Hocus Focus!

Q. How did the sheep get red cheeks?
A. It was MAAHD!

Q. Why did the son put his father on top of the freezer?
A. He wanted an ice pop!

Q. How do you get Pikachu on the bus?
A. You Pokemon!

Q. Why didn't the ghost go boo?
A. Because it had no guts.

Q. What kind of motorcycle does a pig drive?
A. A hog!

Q. Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
A. Because he felt crummy.

Q. What has a neck but no head?
A. A bass.

Q. What kind of bagel can fly?
A. A plain bagel.

Q. How do you get rid of a boomerang?
A. Throw it down a one way street!

Q. Why do people like vampires so much?
A. Because they are FANGtastic!

Q. What has four eyes but can't see?
A. Mississippi.

Q. What do you call a tiny rodent?
A. Mini mouse.

Q. When does 10 + 3 = 1?
A. On the clock.

Q. What kind of horses have 6 legs?
A. The ones that are being ridden!

Q. Mary was shot in the head. She managed to avoid being hospitalized and she's as healthy as can be. How can this be?
A. She had a modeling audition. So, they took her head shots.

Q. Why was the skeleton scared to cross the road?
A. Because there was a dog on the other side.

Q. What do you call an overweight pumpkin?
A. A plumpkin!

Q. Why are Christmas trees such bad knitters?
A. They are always dropping their needles.

Q. What did one lion say to another when they saw some hunters in a jeep?
A. "Look, meals on wheels!"

Q. How long should a reindeer's legs be?
A. Just long enough to reach the ground!

Q. Why don't ducks tell jokes when they are flying?
A. Because they just might quack up.

Q. There's this guy and he's jogging. Well, he turns left, jogs some, turns left, jogs some, and turns left again. When he gets home there are 2 masked men waiting. Who are the masked men?
A. The Umpire and the Back Catcher!

Q. Are you a triangle?
A. 'Cause you sure are acute! ;)

Knock Knock Jokes continue below video…

Q. What kind of music do stars listen to?
A. The starry blues.

Q. What goes around the world but stays in one place?
A. A stamp.

Q. What did the duck say to the clerk?
A. "Put it on my bill."

Q. Did you hear about the kidnapping?
A. He finally woke up!

Q. Why did the vampire give up acting?
A. Because he couldn't find a part he could sink his teeth into.

Q. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
A. Nothing, it was on the house!

Q. In what way can the letter A help a deaf lady?
A. It can make her hear.

Q. What do you call a skeleton that lies on its grave?
A. Lazy bones!

Q. What is big, grey and has a lot of red bumps?
A. An elephant that was stung by a lot of bees!

Q. What do you call Santa when he goes down a chimney with a fire at the bottom?
A. Krisp Cringle.

Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at the front door?
A. Matt!

Q. Where do sheep get their hair cut?
A. At the bah bah shop.

Q. What do you call a jacket that is on fire?
A. A blazer!

Q. What do you call a deer that makes money?
A. A buck!

Q. What is a gas station's favorite type of shoes?
A. Pumps.

Q. What did the tomato say to the other tomato?
A. "You go on without me, I'll ketchup!"

Q. Why did the spider buy a car?
A. So he could take it out for a spin!

Q. What is a volcano?
A. A mountain with hiccups!

Q. How do you know clams are lazy?
A. They are always in their beds.

Q. What can you catch but not in your hands?
A. A cold!

Q. How did the sheep say Merry Christmas?
A. "Fleece Avoided."

Q. What did the policeman have on his sandwich?
A. Some traffic jam!

Q. What is green and hangs off trees?
A. Giraffe snot.

Q. What is grey, has a tail and a trunk?
A. A mouse going on a vacation.

Q. Why was the math book unhappy?
A. Because he had too many problems!

Q. I'm at the beginning of eternity and the end of time and space. I'm at the beginning of every end and the end of every place. What am I?
A. The letter E!

Q. It is not our enemy, yet we still beat it. What is it?
A. A drum.

Q. Why is a riddle like a joke?
A. It's no good without a point.

Q. Why did the leprechaun cross the road?
A. To get to the pot of gold.

Q. Why do Valentine's have hearts on them?
A. Because brains would be pretty gross!

Q. What do you call a snail with no shell?
A. Homeless.

Q. What lies in a pram and wobbles?
A. A jelly baby!

Q. What part of a fish weighs the most?
A. Its scales.

Q. What do you call a bunny with fleas?
A. Bugs Bunny.

Q. Why did the crab cross the road?
A. To get to the other the tide.

Q. Why did the elephant wear red tennis shoes?
A. To hide in the strawberry patch!

Q. What can you serve but never eat?
A. A tennis ball!

Knock-Knock Jokes

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Peas
Peas who?
Peas let me in now!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Atch
Atch who?
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you had a cold.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Amish
Amish who?
You don't look like a shoe!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
John
John who?
Johnny Apple Seed!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Brittney Spears.
Brittney Spears who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Oops! I did it again!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Ramon
Ramon who?
Ramon noodle soup.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Easter
Easter who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Horton Hears a
Horton Hears a who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Poll
Poll who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
The ghost and the invisible man
The ghost and the invisible man who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Honey bee
Honey bee who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Who
Who who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Alex!
Alex! who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Jamaican
Jamaican who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Dishes
Dishes who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Who
Who who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Pencil
Pencil who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Melody
Melody who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Pencil
Pencil who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Carrie
Carrie who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Nacho
Nacho who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Three pigs
Three pigs who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Bow
Bow who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Tennis
Tennis who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Hans
Hans who?
The Easter Bunny!

Jokes

Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!
 

There was a Longhorn flying a helicopter with a flight attendant on board. Ten minutes later she crashed. The attendant asked, "What happened?"
She said, "I got cold so I turned that big fan up there off."
 

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
 

There were 3 friends going to Disney Land. They had been travelling for a while and they came upon a sign that said 'Disney Land left'. So they turned around and went home.
 

Once there was a scientist doing a test on a frog. He told the frog to jump, so it jumped. The scientist wrote in his notes, "4 legs-jumps."

Then the scientist cut off one of the frog's front legs and said, "Jump." The frog jumped. The scientist wrote in his notes, "3 legs-jumps."

Then the scientist cut off the frog's other front leg and said, "Jump," and the frog jumped. The scientist wrote in his notes, "2 legs-jumps."

Then the scientist cut off one of the frog's back legs and said, "Jump," and the frog jumped. So the scientist wrote in his notes, "1 leg jump."

Then the scientist cut off the last leg and said, "Jump," and the frog didn't move. So the scientist said it again, but it still didn't move, so in his notes the scientist wrote, "No legs-goes deaf."
 

A guy wanted a job on a 200 meter high tower, ringing a bell. So he goes up to a guy and asks how to do the bell ringing job. He's told, "Swing on the bell to ring it." So he does but a little too hard and he falls off the tower. His employer goes running down the stairs and the police are already there. The police ask if the man knows the guy and he says, "No, but his face rings a bell."
 

Teacher: Take a seat!
Student: Take it where?
 

A teacher once asked a boy, "Where is the Dead Sea?"
The boy replied, "Miss, I never knew it was sick."
 

A boy came home from school. "How much did you learn in school today?" His mother asked.
"Not enough, I have to go back again tomorrow."
 

Teacher: What is the purpose of having school?
Student: Without school, there wouldn't be a reason for holidays and summer vacation.
 

Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Winnie: Me!
 

See this finger here? Yesterday I whacked it with a hammer. I think I hit the wrong nail!
 

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
 

A small boy is asked to find out what the first 4 letters of the alphabet are for his homework.
"Mum, what's the first letter of the alphabet?"
"Shut up and go away," she replied.
The boy went to his dad. "Dad, what's the second letter of the alphabet?"
"YYYYEEEAAAHHH!!!" The boy's dad roared; football was on the TV and his team had scored.
"Brother, what is the third letter of the alphabet?" The boy asked his brother, who was playing with his action men.
"Action Man, the greatest hero of them all!" He cried.
"Sister, what is the fourth letter of the alphabet?" The boy's sister was playing with her Barbie dolls.
"Drive away in the Barbie car, beep, beep!" The boy's sister sang.

The next day in school the teacher asked the boy what the first letter was.
"Shut up and go away!" He replied.
"Do you want to see the head teacher?" Teacher yells.
"YEAH!!"
The boy is sent to the head teacher.
"Who do you think you are?" The headmaster shouts in his face.
"Action Man, the greatest hero of them all!"
"How do you think you're going to get away with this?"
"Drive away in the Barbie car, beep, beep!"
 

Boy: Daddy, I have a little pain in my stomach.
Dad: Because your stomach is empty. Go eat some food.
Boy: Really? Is that why mommy is always complaining about her headache? Is her head empty?
 

Patient: Doctor, I think that I've been bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.
 

A man decided to start a chicken farm and brought 24 to get started. A week later he bought another 24 and another 24 the week after that. When his friend asked how his chicken farm was coming along the man replied, "Not one of them has grown yet. I wonder if I'm planting them too deep?"
 

Peter: Mother, why is a snail stronger than an elephant?
Mother: I don't know.
Peter: Because a snail can carry its own home, but an elephant can only carry its own trunk.
 

Peter: You wrote only one book and you call yourself an author?
John: You married only once and you call yourself a husband?
 

When the dentist had a appointment with his friend it was at 2:30.
 

Patient: Doctor, Doctor. I keep seeing in to the future.
Doctor: When did this start?
Patient: Next Tuesday.
 

There was a man who bought a camel. The previous owner told him that to make it walk, say "few," to make it run, say "many" and to make it stop say "amen". So one day the man decided to have a practise ride. He said "few" and the camel started walking, he said "many" and it started running, right towards the edge of a cliff. But the man forgot how to make it stop, so, panicking, he shouted out "Lord save me, Lord save me, Amen" and of course the camel stopped - at the VERY edge. Relieved the man said to himself, "Phew, that was clo-aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
 

A man was carrying a grandfather clock down a crowded street to a repair shop. The tall object blocked his view and he knocked into an old lady, causing her to fall. When the lady recovered from her shock, she asked the man, "Why don't you wear a wrist watch like everyone else?"
 

There's this man, he walks up to this lady's door. The lady answers it. The man says, "I'm terribly sorry. I just ran over your cat. I'd like to replace it." Then the woman says. "How good are you at catching mice?"
 

Teacher: Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?
Nick: What do you think it is, Sir?
Teacher: I don't think, I KNOW!
Nick: I don't think I know either, Sir!
 

A man once said he bet I couldn't name a landmark in Egypt. I replied, "You Sphinx?"
 

Jessica: There's a guy that has a wooden leg named Smith.
Amber: What's the name of his other leg?
 

An elephant asked an ant, "Please hide me." So the ant replied, "Hide behind me."
 

Once there was a boy who needed to do his home work. His homework was to write down his family's favourite words.
So when he got home he asked his mom who was listening to the radio, "What is your favourite word mom?"
"Shut up!" So he wrote that down.
Then he went to his dad who was watching football and his favourite team had just scored a goal, so the little boy asked his dad,"What is your favourite word dad?"
"Yeah!" So he wrote that down.
Next he went to his big sister and he asked her, "What is your favourite word?"
She was listening to her favourite CD and said, "A lollipop, a lollipop, a lollipop." So he wrote that down.
Next he went to his brother. He was watching the end of Batman, he asked him, "What is your favourite word?"
"Nananananananana Batman!" so he wrote that down.
Then he went to his baby sister who was playing with her cars. So he asked her, "What is your favourite word?"
"Voom, voom car, a voom, voom car." So he wrote that down.
The next day at school, the teacher asked him to share his homework with the class
He said, "Shut up!"
The teacher said, "Do you want to go to the principal's office?"
"Yeah!"
"What do you think you deserve?"
"A lollipop, a lollipop, a lollipop."
"Who do you think you are?"
"Nananananananana Batman!"
"What do you think you are going to get away with?"
"Voom, voom car, a voom, voom car."
 

Counselor: Why is your nose swelling?
Camper: I bent over to smell a brose.
Counselor: There is no b in rose.
Camper: There was a bee in this one.
 


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