Squigly Squigly's Jokes and Riddles

Jokes

We've got lots of funny jokes for you! These riddles, knock, knock jokes and jokes have been submitted by kids from all over the world. We know they will make you LOL! :D

Riddles

Q. There are ten cats on a boat. One jumps off, how many are left?
A. None, they were all copy cats!

Q. What can run, play and move around yet it cannot breath?
A. A CD or DVD!

Q. What's the best place to grow flowers in school?
A. In kindergarden.

Q. What is black, white and red?
A. A panda with a rash!

Q. Which mountain has never been climbed?
A. Mountain Dew!

Q. What do you call a nervous witch?
A. A twitch.

Q. What do you call a bunny with fleas?
A. Bugs Bunny.

Q. What do eskimos call their cows?
A. Eski-MOOS.

Q. What does Santa clean his sleigh with?
A. Comet.

Q. What did Sergeant Peanut Butter shout to his jelly police officers?
A. "Spread out, men!"

Q. Why did the nose feel sad?
A. Because he always got picked on!

Q. Why is there no air in space?
A. Because the Milky Way would go bad.

Q. How does a bee get to school?
A. On a bzz!

Q. Where does a bunny go if you give it a pair of socks?
A. A sock hop.

Q. Why did the whale laugh?
A. Because he saw the sea's bottom.

Q. How did the centipede run up a million-dollar doctor bill?
A. He sprained his ankle.

Q. How does a rabbit throw a tantrum?
A. He gets hopping mad.

Q. Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?
A. Fo'drizzle!

Q. How did Jack Frost get to work?
A. By icicle!

Q. What did one cool bee say to the other?
A. "Buzz off, dude!"

Q. Where do famous dragons go after they retire?
A. The hall of flame!

Q. Why did the skeleton go to the store?
A. To get some spare ribs.

Q. What did the ghosts eat for dinner?
A. Spoke!

Q. Why don’t you see dinosaurs at Easter?
A. Because they are eggs-tinct!

Q. What did the jelly say to the peanut butter?
A. "We make a good match!"

Q. Where does a vampire keep his money?
A. In a blood bank.

Q. What did the snake say to his girlfriend on Valentine's Day?
A. "Give me a little hiss."

Q. Why isn't your nose 12 inches long?
A. Because it would be a foot.

Q. Why did the students study in the aeroplane?
A. Because they wanted higher grades.

Q. What is something you will never see again?
A. The past.

Q. What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A. Time to get a new fence.

Q. What do squirrels give each other for Valentine's Day?
A. Forget me nuts!

Q. If you're on a plane and one of the engines breaks, how far will the other one take you?
A. All the way to the scene of the crash.

Q. Where do dogs go when they lose their tail?
A. To the reTAIL store.

Q. What cat likes living in water?
A. An octoPUSS!

Q. Why do mathematicians like airlines?
A. They use Pi-lots.

Q. Where does a penguin go to visit his aunt?
A. ANT-arctica!

Q. What is a ghost's favourite ride?
A. A roller-ghoster.

Knock Knock Jokes continue below video…

Q. Why do Valentine's have hearts on them?
A. Because brains would be pretty gross!

Q. Why do mummies like Christmas so much?
A. Because of all the wrapping!

Q. Why didn't the ghost go boo?
A. Because it had no guts.

Q. Why did the bucket go to the doctor?
A. He had a pail face!

Q. What can you call a math teacher?
A. A ruler.

Q. As I get older, I become shorter. What am I?
A. A pencil!

Q. What kind of running means walking
A. Running out of gas.

Q. A cowboy rode into town on Friday, stayed for 3 days and left on Friday. How did he do it?
A. His horse's name was Friday.

Q. Why did the hamburger go to the gym?
A. It wanted better buns.

Q. What did the sea say to the shore?
A. Nothing, it just waved.

Q. What letter is a European bird?
A. J.

Q. What's the difference between a grape and a chicken?
A. They're both purple, except the chicken!

Q. Why did the frog cross the road?
A. He was following the chicken!

Q. Where do you learn to make ice cream?
A. At Sundae School!

Q. How do you keep someone in suspense?
A. I'll tell you tomorrow.

Q. What kind of dog does a vampire have?
A. A bloodhound.

Q. Why couldn't the two elephants go swimming together?
A. Because they only had one pair of trunks!

Q. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
A. A buccaneer (A buck an ear)

Q. Why do teachers give you homework?
A. Just to annoy you.

Q. What do call Santa when he stops moving?
A. Santa Pause!

Q. Why was the turkey running across the road?
A. To get away from the hunter!

Q. What animal sleeps with its shoes on?
A. A horse.

Q. What is the capital of Greece?
A. G.

Q. What is a buckaneer?
A. Expensive corn!

Q. Imagine you are in a boat. You were being circled by sharks. One shark is about to bite you. What should you do?
A. Stop imagining!

Q. Which one is faster, hot or cold?
A. Hot. You can catch cold!

Q. What did the scientist say to the hydrogen atom that claimed it lost an electron?
A. "Are you positive?"

Q. What do you call a sleeping bull?
A. A BULL-dozer.

Q. Why did the lamb go to the river?
A. To get a BAA-th!

Q. What did one leaf say to the other?
A. "See you next fall!!"

Q. If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
A. Pilgrims.

Q. How do you organize a space party?
A. You planet!

Q. What has two heads and runs faster the longer it stands?
A. An hourglass.

Q. Why was the rope late for dinner?
A. It got tied up at the office.

Q. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A. In case he got a hole in one!

Q. What kind of bats swing upside down?
A. AcroBATS!

Q. What kind of candy won't a ghost touch?
A. Life Savers.

Knock-Knock Jokes

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Termite
Termite who?
Termite's the night!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Apple
Apple who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Apple
Apple who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Apple
Apple who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Lemon
Lemon who?
Lemon know when you want me to say apple again.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Raoul
Raoul who?
Raoul with the punches!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Doctor
Doctor who?
You're right!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Ho, Ho, Ho
Ho, Ho, Ho who?
Ho, Ho, Ho, Merry Christmas to you!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Lena
Lena who?
Lena little closer and I'll tell you!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
You know
You know who?
Avada Kadavra!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Cows go
Cows go who?
No, cows go moo!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
I8D
I8D who?
I8D whole cake!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Roach
Roach who?
Roach out and touch someone!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Philip
Philip who?
Philip up my glass please, I'm thirsty!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Tee
Tee who?
Tee hee!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Old lady
Old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Noah
Noah who?
Noah good place to eat?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Some bunny
Some bunny who?
Some bunny has been eating my carrots!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Abby
Abby who?
A bee just stung me!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Bow
Bow who?
Not bow who, bow wow!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Boo!
Boo! who?
No, no, don't cry! I was just kidding.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Me
Me who?
You don't know me?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Cash
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer peanuts!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know
To get to your house.
---
Knock, knock
Who's there?
The chicken!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
A tish
A tish who?
Bless you.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Ramon
Ramon who?
Ramon noodle soup.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Dinosaur
Dinosaur who?
Dinosaurs don't go who, they go ROAR!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Bo
Bo who?
That's bogus!

Jokes

2 fish went down an alley, one go battered!
 

Boy: Did you know that in Colorado there are no carnivals?
Girl: No fair? No fair!
 

A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"
 

A man tried to sell me a coffin today and I said, "That's the last thing I need!"
 

Art teacher: Mimi, I told the class to draw a horse and cart, but you have only drawn a horse!
Mimi: Yes sir, the horse will draw the cart!
 

A mushroom walks into a bar and the waiter says, "You look like a fungi!"
 

There's this man, he walks up to this lady's door. The lady answers it. The man says, "I'm terribly sorry. I just ran over your cat. I'd like to replace it." Then the woman says. "How good are you at catching mice?"
 

Two cookies are baking in an oven. One cookie says to the other, "Man, is it me, or is it getting kinda hot in here?"
The other cookie replies, "Oh my goodness! A talking cookie!!"
 

One day 3 people were climbing up a mountain when they saw a genie. They went to the genie and the genie said they each could turn into one thing. So the first person went up and ran off the mountain and yelled, "Flying squirrel!" He turned into a flying squirrel.

The second person ran and said, "Bat!" and he turned into a bat.

Now it was the third person's turn, he ran and just as he was about to say what he wanted to be he saw his shoes weren't tied and he said, "Stupid shoelaces!" and, well, he became stupid shoelaces.
 

Mother: Swimming makes you slim and trim.
Son: I don't think that's true.
Mother: Why?
Son: Look at the ducks, they are fat and stout!
 

A teacher once asked a boy, "Where is the Dead Sea?"
The boy replied, "Miss, I never knew it was sick."
 

Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Winnie: Me!
 

Patty came up to a boy with a sheet over his head on Halloween and asked, "Are you a ghost?"
The boy replied, "No, of course not! I'm an unmade bed!"
 

A sea serpent saw a big tanker,
bit a hole in her side and then sank'er
in a minute or two,
it swallowed the crew,
then picked its teeth with the anchor.
 

Screen door: Something kids get a bang out of!
 

Man: Doctor! Doctor! I ate the key for my door.
Doctor: When did you eat it?
Man: About two months ago.
Doctor: Why are you coming in now?
Man: Because at that time I had another key.
 

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
"No, ma'am. They're dead."
 

Patient: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?
Doctor: Yes, of course.
Patient: Great! I never could before!
 

Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said, "Oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches."
Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"
 

Dad: Go buy us a drink.
Son: Coke or Pepsi?
Dad: Coke.
Son: Normal or diet?
Dad: Normal.
Son: Bottle or can?
Dad: Bottle.
Son: 1L or 0.5L?
Dad: Just go buy some water!
Son: Carbonated or normal?
Dad: Normal!
Son: Cold or hot?
Dad: Get out!
Son: Now or later?
Dad: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
 

Once this guy wanted a pet bird so he walked into this pet store with a sign that said 'MAGICAL PETS'. Once he was in the pet store he understood why. There were dogs with no ears or eyes, cats dancing on their hands, rabbits that could only say ribbit, and finally in the far, far corner a parrot that looked like it was doing nothing at all. So the guy walked up to the manager and said, "What is so magical about that parrot over there?"
The manager smiled and said, "I will show you." So they walked over to the back of the room and the manager pulled the parrot's left leg. Before the guy knew it the parrot was singing the national anthem!
"WOW!" the guy said. "What happens if you pull his right leg?" So the manager pulled the parrot's right leg and the parrot sang Your A Grand Old Flag! "WOW!!!" The guy said. "What about both legs?"
But before the manager could say a word the parrot said, "I'll fall stupid!"
 

Once there was an alien that came from space. He heard the words, "He stole my lollipop." Then he went to the utensils store and heard, "Forks and knives." Then he went to the electricity store and heard, "Plug it in, plug it in."

When he went back to his spaceship he noticed the police were there. They asked him what was wrong and he said, "He stole my lollipop."
"What did you do to him?" They asked.
"Forks and knives," replied the alien.
"If you resist arrest we will have to tazer you?"
"Plug it in, plug it in!"
 

Little Jaden told his his dad he wanted to get married. His dad asked, "Do you have any one in mind?"
He said, "Yes, grandma."
Dad asked, "My mom? Why?"
Little Jaden said, "Well, you married my mom!"
 

A little girl was staying at her grandmothers for the night because her parents were going out for the night. The little girl said, "May I please borrow the toilet?"
Her grandmother replied, "Certainly, but make sure you put it back once you're done with it!"
 

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
 

See this finger here? Yesterday I whacked it with a hammer. I think I hit the wrong nail!
 

A cop pulls a woman over and says, "Can I see your driver's licence?"
The girl asks, "What's a driver's licence?"
The cop says, "A little square thing with your picture on it."
So she dug through her purse and found a little hand mirror, and looked in it. She said, "This has my picture on it."
She handed it to the cop. He looks in it and says, "Why didn't you say you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over?"
 

There were three construction workers. The first man always had ham and cheese, the second had salami and swiss, and the third a hot dog. They all said, "If I get that for lunch again, I will jump off the Empire State Building!!"

The next day, the first guy got ham and cheese for lunch. So he jumped off the Empire State Building. His wife said, "I should have packed him something different!!"

The guy who had salami and swiss also jumped off the Empire State Building. His wife said, "I should have packed something different for my husband!!"

The third guy got a hot dog again, so he jumped off the Empire State Building. His wife said, "Why did he do that? He packs his own lunch!!"
 

Did you know the most fattening food in the world is peanuts? Well have you ever seen a skinny elephant?
 

There was a man called Stupid and a man called Nobody. One day Stupid pushed Nobody out of the window and then called for an ambulance. When it arrived, he told them that Nobody fell out of the window. The ambulance driver replied, "Are you stupid?"
Stupid replied, "That's amazing!! How did you guess?!"
 


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