Squigly Squigly's Jokes and Riddles

Jokes

We've got lots of funny jokes for you! These riddles, knock, knock jokes and jokes have been submitted by kids from all over the world. We know they will make you LOL! :D

Riddles

Q. What is black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white and green?
A. Two skunks fighting over a pickle.

Q. Why can't you tell a skeleton a secret?
A. Because it goes in one ear and out the other.

Q. What do you call a vampire 200 miles from a blood bank?
A. A cab.

Q. Why was the girl staring at the juice box?
A. Because it said: "Concentrate."

Q. What has the fur of a cat, the whiskers of a cat, ears of a car, a tail of a cat, but is not a cat?
A. A kitten.

Q. What insect is an arithmetic insect?
A. A mosquito! They add to misery, subtract from pleasure, divide the attention and multiply quickly!

Q. How do rabbits travel?
A. By HAREplanes.

Q. Did you hear the joke about the egg that rolled in front of a truck?
A. Most people find they crack up!

Q. Where does the Easter bunny eat breakfast?
A. IHOP.

Q. If athletes get athletes foot then what do astronauts get?
A. Missle-toe.

Q. What does a hamburger name his daughter?
A. Patty.

Q. How does the Easter Bunny paint all the Easter eggs?
A. He hires Santa's elves during the off season.

Q. What does a phone eat?
A. Minutes.

Q. What is something you will never see again?
A. The past.

Q. What sound does a limping turkey make?
A. Wobble, wobble!

Q. What did the traffic light say to the car?
A. "Don't look. I'm changing!"

Q. How did the Easter Bunny rate his favourite restaurant?
A. Egg-cellent!

Q. What does a bird say on Halloween?
A. Twick or tweet!

Q. What did the spider do when he went on his computer?
A. He went on his web site!

Q. What seven letters did the robber say when he saw nothing in the safe?
A. "O I C U R M T!"

Q. What is big, red and flies in the sky?
A. Santa Claus.

Q. What happens if Peter Pan punches you?
A. You Neverland!

Q. How did the frozen chicken cross the road?
A. In a shopping bag.

Q. What is the best way to catch a squirrel?
A. Act like a nut.

Q. Why did the rooster cross the road?
A. The chicken was sick.

Q. What goes up when the rain comes down?
A. An umbrella!

Q. Where is the zombie's favorite room in the house?
A. The living room.

Q. How do you know when the moon has had enought to eat?
A. When it's full!

Q. What did the broken clock say?
A. "Will someone give me hand?"

Q. What's black and white and red all over?
A. Santa covered with chimney soot.

Q. Why are rivers so rich?
A. Because they have 2 banks.

Q. What happens to cereal when you add legs?
A. It gives it a little kick!

Q. Where does the rifle go?
A. To the Rifle Tower!

Q. Why did the horse cross the road?
A. To get to the other NEIGH-bourhood.

Q. What insect is a coward?
A. A flea!

Q. Where did the hamburgers go?
A. To the Meat Ball!

Q. What did the bad chicken lay?
A. A deviled egg.

Q. Why did the lamb go to the river?
A. To get a BAA-th!

Knock Knock Jokes continue below video…

Q. What did the tie say to the hat?
A. "You go on a head and I'll hang around here."

Q. What goes through towns and hills but never moves?
A. Roads.

Q. What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
A. Open TOAD sandals.

Q. What do you call a Christmas duck?
A. A Christmas quacker!

Q. Did you hear about the kidnapping?
A. He finally woke up!

Q. What do you call an overweight pumpkin?
A. A plumpkin!

Q. What did the sea say to the shore?
A. Nothing, it just waved.

Q. What is the difference between a worn out runner and a worn out vet?
A. One's dog tired and the other is tired of dogs.

Q. What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
A. The teacher says throw out that gum and a train says chew, chew!

Q. What is black, white and red?
A. A panda with a rash!

Q. What is the fastest country in the world?
A. Russia.

Q. What can you catch but not in your hands?
A. A cold!

Q. How do you make a swordfish like the library?
A. Take away the S in its name!

Q. Why did the cookie cry?
A. Because his mother was a wafer too long!

Q. What do Snowmen call their offspring?
A. Chill-dren.

Q. How did the man build up his flea collar business?
A. He started from scratch.

Q. What pants do ghosts wear?
A. BOO jeans.

Q. What does it mean when you find a horseshoe?
A. A poor horse is going barefoot!

Q. What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
A. Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving!

Q. What do you call an elephant at the North Pole?
A. Lost.

Q. What has big ears and shouts "HUT! HUT! HUT!"?
A. An elephant quarterback.

Q. What's better than a talking dog?
A. A spelling bee!

Q. Why don't fleas get cold?
A. They are always in fur coats!

Q. Why did the star go to the bathroom?
A. It had to twinkle!

Q. Why do you never ask a dinosaur to read you a story?
A. Because their tales are so long.

Q. How do you know an elephant is under your blanket?
A. Because when you get in your bed your nose touches the ceiling.

Q. What does a triceratops sit on?
A. It's tricera-bottom!

Q. I am the beginning of end and the end of time and space. I am essential to creation and I surround every place. What am I?
A. The letter E!

Q. What's red and white, red and white, red and white?
A. Santa Claus rolling down the hill.

Q. Where did the ghosts go for vacation?
A. Mali-BOO.

Q. What did the cat need when it was having trouble seeing?
A. A PURRscription!

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road ten times?
A. Because his suspenders were hooked to the light post!

Q. What did the dressing say to the refrigerator?
A. "Shut the door I am dressing!"

Q. How does a tree get on the computer?
A. It logs on!

Q. Why was the little ghost crying?
A. Because he wanted his mummy.

Q. Why did the leopard refuse to take a bath?
A. It didn't want to come out spotless.

Q. What disappears when you turn the light on?
A. The dark!

Knock-Knock Jokes

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know
To get to your house.
---
Knock, knock
Who's there?
The chicken!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Silence
Silence who?
(Stay quiet)

Knock, knock
Who's there?
A parrot
A parrot who?
A parrot who?
Okay, now I get it!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Cheese
Cheese who?
Cheese a cute girl!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Zaire
Zaire who?
Zaire is polluted!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Happy
Happy who?
Happy Father's Day!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Doris
Doris who?
Doris locked, that's why I'm knocking.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Luvs
Luvs who?
Luvs you!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Cobra
Cobra who?
Go brush your teeth!!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Cows go
Cows go who?
No, cows go moo!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Who
Who who?
Who the one you're talking to?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Yodel-hee-
Yodel-hee- who?
I didn't know you could yodel!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Wiener.
Wiener. who?
Wiener you going to get here?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Cheese
Cheese who?
Cheese a cute girl

Knock, knock
Who's there?
You
You who?
I didn't know you were so happy to meet me!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Shelby
Shelby who?
She'll be coming around the mountain!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Dash
Dash who?
Daschund!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Ask
Ask who?
Ask me!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Doorbell
Doorbell who?
Doorbell delivery!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Mikey
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn't fit in the hole!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Icy
Icy who?
Icy you!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Tank
Tank who?
You're welcome!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
G.I.
G.I. who?
G.I. don't know?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Howard
Howard who?
Howard you like a big kiss?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Carrie
Carrie who?
Carrie the shopping in will you? It weighs a ton.

Jokes

The insects were playing against a team of flies. The flies were winning 30 to 0. At the third quarter the insects put a millepede in the game, he scored a total of 50 points. At the end of the game the coach of the flies asked the coach of the insects, "Why didn't you put the millepede in the first quarter?"
"Because it takes him forever to put his shoes on!"
 

Teacher: Are you cold?
Student: Yes.
Teacher: Go sit in the corner it's 90 degrees!
 

It was the first day of school and the teacher asked all the troublemakers to stand up. Finally this girl stood up and the teacher asked, "Are you a troublemaker?"
The girl said, "No." The teacher asked why she was standing and the girl said, "You looked lonely."
 

A boy was told to write a 100 word essay. He thought for a bit then started. 'I went out to call my cat in for the night, so I called 'kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty...'
 

There is a California dude going through a desert. He's wearing shorts, sunglasses, a towel and listening to music on his walkman. He's having a good time. Suddenly he sees a caravan approaching. He stops the men and asks them cheerfully, "Hey dudes how far is the sea?"
They look at each other and say, "Two thousand miles!"
And he says, "Wow what a cool beach!!!"
 

A girl walks into a library and says, "I'd like a cheeseburger and some fries."
The librarian says, "This a library."
The girl whispers to the librarian, "I'd like a cheeseburger and some fries."
 

There was a Longhorn flying a helicopter with a flight attendant on board. Ten minutes later she crashed. The attendant asked, "What happened?"
She said, "I got cold so I turned that big fan up there off."
 

Erin: Hey Taya, did you hear the joke about the bed?
Taya: No, what is it?
Erin: Never mind, it hasn't been made up yet.
 

The real estate agent says, "I have a good, cheap apartment for you."
The man replies, "By the week or by the month?"
The agent answers, "By the garbage dump."
 

Basketball coach: Bob I think you grew a foot over the summer!
Basketball player: No coach, honest I only got two!
 

Milkman: Are you sure you want 50 quarts of milk?
Woman: Yes, my doctor told me to take a bath of milk.
Milkman: Would you like it pasteurized?
Woman: No, just up to my neck please.
 

There was a kid named Joey and he couldn't add, so when they had a test on addition he copied off John's paper. When he was finished with the test his teacher said: Joey why did you copy off John's paper?
Joey: I didn't.
Teacher: Yes you did.
Joey: How did you know?
Teacher: I knew because when John wrote, "I don't know," on question #6, you wrote, "me neither."
 

John: Can I cut you in line?
Stella: No, I would like to stay in one piece!
 

Teacher: How do you spell Mississippi?
George: The state or the river?
 

Boy: Daddy, I have a little pain in my stomach.
Dad: Because your stomach is empty. Go eat some food.
Boy: Really? Is that why mommy is always complaining about her headache? Is her head empty?
 

Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
Donald: H I J K L M N O.
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Donald: Yesterday you said it was H to O.
 

Once there were two chocolate bunnies and one had their ear bit off. One said, "Happy Easter."
"Huh?" Said the other.
 

One day these two football players where flying in an airplane. The first engine on the plane blew and the pilot said, "We just lost one of our airplane's engines, but it's okay because we have one more. It will just take us an hour longer to get there."
Then one of the players says to other, I hope the last engine doesn't blow, because then we will be stuck up here all day!"
 

The pillow asks the teddy bear, "Do you want an ice cream sundae?" The bear says, "No thanks, I'm stuffed!"
 

Once this guy wanted a pet bird so he walked into this pet store with a sign that said 'MAGICAL PETS'. Once he was in the pet store he understood why. There were dogs with no ears or eyes, cats dancing on their hands, rabbits that could only say ribbit, and finally in the far, far corner a parrot that looked like it was doing nothing at all. So the guy walked up to the manager and said, "What is so magical about that parrot over there?"
The manager smiled and said, "I will show you." So they walked over to the back of the room and the manager pulled the parrot's left leg. Before the guy knew it the parrot was singing the national anthem!
"WOW!" the guy said. "What happens if you pull his right leg?" So the manager pulled the parrot's right leg and the parrot sang Your A Grand Old Flag! "WOW!!!" The guy said. "What about both legs?"
But before the manager could say a word the parrot said, "I'll fall stupid!"
 

Patron: Waiter, what's this Praying Mantis doing in my soup?
Waiter: Saying grace.
 

If this is New York, where is the old one?
 

A man said to his doctor, "I can't stop telling lies."
The doctor replied, "I don't believe you!"
 

A girl once got lost near a river. She traveled up and down it searching for a way to get to the other side.

She tried walking in the shallow part of the river and she even tried grabbing onto a branch that stretched half way across the river to try to swing to the other side. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't get across.

After many failed attempts, she finally felt like giving up. Yet, at the last moment, she saw a person walking by and decided to follow her across the bridge.
 

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
 

England may not have a kidney bank but at least it has a Liverpool.
 

Person 1: Did you hear about the ball player they put in jail?
Person 2: No.
Person 1: He stole all the bases!
 

When the dentist had a appointment with his friend it was at 2:30.
 

There were two cows standing in a field talking to each other. They were talking about Mr. Brown's cows having Mad Cow Disease, when one of the cows said, "It's a good thing we're chickens."
 

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I'm going to die in 59 seconds!
Doctor: Hang on, I'll be there in a minute.
 


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