Squigly Squigly's Jokes and Riddles

Jokes

We've got lots of funny jokes for you! These riddles, knock, knock jokes and jokes have been submitted by kids from all over the world. We know they will make you LOL! :D

Riddles

Q. What has to be broken before you can use it?
A. An egg.

Q. Why do Rappers like Christmas so much?
A. Because of all the wrapping!

Q. What has big ears and shouts "HUT! HUT! HUT!"?
A. An elephant quarterback.

Q. What did the ghost say to his wife?
A. "You look so BOOtiful."

Q. Where do cows stay when they go on vacation?
A. MOO-tels!

Q. What do you call a shark that swallowed a bunch of keys?
A. Lockjaw.

Q. Why do rabbits eat carrots?
A. Because they don't want to be nearsighted!

Q. What did the student say after the teacher said, "Order students, order?"
A. "Can I have fries and a burger?"

Q. How can a rose ride a bike?
A. It uses its petals!

Q. What is green, small and round and goes up and down?
A. A pea in a lift.

Q. There were two elephants under one umbrella, why didn't they get wet?
A. It wasn't raining.

Q. Why was the doctor angry?
A. He had no patience!

Q. Why did the young cat get arrested ?
A. For his litter!

Q. Why did the nose feel sad?
A. Because he always got picked on!

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road ten times?
A. Because his suspenders were hooked to the light post!

Q. Why did the boy scream when he opened the fridge?
A. Because he saw the salad dressing.

Q. What do you call a super hero who has lost his powers?
A. A super-zero.

Q. What is as light as a feather but not even the strongest man in the world can hold it for more than a few minutes?
A. Air!

Q. What's a good holiday tip?
A. Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

Q. What goes up and down but never moves?
A. The stairs!

Q. What did the bee say to the flower?
A. "I'm the pollinator."

Q. What do miners put on their face at night?
A. Coal cream.

Q. What cat likes living in water?
A. An octoPUSS!

Q. What's yellow and goes 50 miles per hour?
A. A banana in a washing machine.

Q. What fish will a greedy fisher catch?
A. Selfish!

Q. Why did the square and triangle go to the gym?
A. To stay in shape!

Q. What is a table you can eat?
A. A vegetable.

Q. What do ghosts serve for dessert?
A. Ice SCREAM and BOOberries!

Q. What do you do when your fish is off?
A. You tune it up!

Q. Why is it dangerous to do math in the jungle?
A. Because when you add four and four you get ate (eight).

Q. Why did the skeleton go scuba diving?
A. Because he wanted to get some muscles!

Q. Why did Jimmy's grades drop after the holidays?
A. Because everything was marked down!

Q. Why didn't the squirrel cross the telephone wire?
A. Because the line was busy.

Q. What's white on the inside and green on the outside?
A. A banana dressed up as a cucumber!

Q. How do you spell mousetrap with ONLY three letters?
A. C-A-T!

Q. What does a gorilla say when he is hungry?
A. "Gorilla me a burger."

Q. Why can't a leopard hide?
A. Because he's always spotted!

Q. What time do you go to the dentist?
A. Tooth hurty!

Knock Knock Jokes continue below video…

Q. How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
A. Poker Face!

Q. What do you call the world's smallest Valentine's Day card?
A. A Valen-teeny!

Q. What did the Christmas tree say to the ornament?
A. "Aren't you tired of hanging around?"

Q. There was a train with passengers inside. Suddenly the train crashed, where would the survivors be buried?
A. No where, they are the survivors!

Q. Why did the rooster cross the road?
A. Because he wasn't a chicken.

Q. What is coming but never arrives?
A. Tomorrow.

Q. What can you serve but never eat?
A. A tennis ball!

Q. Why did the kid put his head into the piano?
A. He wanted to play by ear.

Q. Why did the frog cross the road?
A. Because he wanted to show his girlfriend he had guts.

Q. Why was the clock in the cafeteria always slow?
A. Because every lunch it went back four seconds!

Q. What did one NASCAR driver say to the other?
A. "Do you want to crash at my place tonight?"

Q. How do pachyderms hear?
A. It doesn't matter - it's ear elephant (irrelevant).

Q. What game do tornados play?
A. Twister.

Q. Does France have a fourth of July?
A. Of course they do.

Q. What do ghosts like for dessert?
A. BOOberry pie!

Q. Where is the zombie's favorite room in the house?
A. The living room.

Q. Why didn't the Dallas Cowboys want to beat the Denver Broncos in a game?
A. Because they needed a ride home!

Q. Why did the millionaire refuse to move to Alaska?
A. He didn't want to freeze his assets.

Q. Why was the ant confused?
A. Because all of his uncles were ants!

Q. What has a lot of keys but can't open doors?
A. A piano.

Q. What did the elephant do when he hurt his toe?
A. He called a tow truck.

Q. What do you call a dirty chicken that crosses the road and crosses back again?
A. A dirty double crosser.

Q. What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A. A broken drum, you cant beat it!

Q. What did the sick freight elevator say?
A. "I think I'm coming down with something."

Q. What do you read on Halloween?
A. BOO-ks

Q. What kind of fish goes great with peanut butter?
A. Jellyfish.

Q. There is a black house, grey house, red house, yellow house, green house and brown house. What colour house does President Obama live in?
A. The White House!

Q. How many seconds are in a year?
A. 12: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc.

Q. What did the ground say to the earthquake?
A. "You crack me up!"

Q. What do you call elephants that swim?
A. Swimming trunks!

Q. What did the cab driver wear to the ball?
A. A TAXIdo!

Q. What did the cat say when he fell off the table?
A. "Me ow!"

Q. What letter is a drink?
A. T.

Q. Why are there only snowmen and not snowwomen?
A. Because only men would stand out in the snow without a coat.

Q. What's the difference between a train and a teacher?
A. The teacher says, "Spit your gum out" and the train says, "Choo-choo!"

Q. Where did the pencil go for vacation?
A. To Pennsylvania.

Q. Where do ghosts get their mail?
A. At the ghost office.

Knock-Knock Jokes

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Cargo
Cargo who?
Cargo beep, beep!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Honey bee
Honey bee who?
Honey bee a sweetie and get me some chips.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Barbie
Barbie who?
Barbecue!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Cheese
Cheese who?
Cheese a cute girl

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Monarch
Monarch who?
Monarch butterfly!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Cereal
Cereal who?
Cereal pleasure to meet you!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Ice Cream
Ice Cream who?
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Apple
Apple who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Apple
Apple who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Apple
Apple who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Lemon
Lemon who?
Lemon know when you want me to say apple again.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Dasum
Dasum who?
Dasum cute dog!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Amish
Amish who?
Awe, I miss you too.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Water
Water who?
Water you doing?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Scot
Scot who?
Scot nothing to do with you!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Nacho
Nacho who?
I'm nacho momma!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Evan
Evan who?
Evan comes after odd.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Nana
Nana who?
Nana your business!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Atch
Atch who?
Hold on, I have to sneeze!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Ramon
Ramon who?
Ramon noodle soup.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Scold
Scold who?
Scold outside!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Joe
Joe who?
Joe momma!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Amos
Amos who?
Amos quito just bit me, boo hoo!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Atch
Atch who?
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you had a cold.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
You
You who?
I didn't know you were so happy to meet me!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Dash
Dash who?
Daschund!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow laughing matter!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Merry Christmas!

Jokes

Teacher: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No, sir. It's the same dog.
 

A skeleton went to the doctor. The doctor looked at the skeleton and said, "Aren't you a little late?"
 

I started reading a book about anti-gravity and now I can’t put it down.
 

A snail purchased a new sports car. He told the salesperson that he wanted the letter "S" painted on both sides of the car. The salesman asked what is the "S" for? Snail? The Snail answered, "No, when I drive by I want people to say "Wow, look at that 'S' car go!" (escargo)
 

There was a man called Stupid and a man called Nobody. One day Stupid pushed Nobody out of the window and then called for an ambulance. When it arrived, he told them that Nobody fell out of the window. The ambulance driver replied, "Are you stupid?"
Stupid replied, "That's amazing!! How did you guess?!"
 

Teacher: Mark can you tell me what you would like to be in the future?
Mark: I'd like to be a billionaire and be famous.
Teacher: Interesting, what about you Esther.
Esther: I'd like to be Mark's wife!
 

Snake 1: I hope I'm not poisonous.
Snake 2: Why?
Snake 1: Because I just bit my tongue.
 

There were three people. One was called Nobody, the second was called Somebody and third Crazy. One day Nobody killed Somebody. Crazy called the police and said, "Nobody killed Somebody!"
The police asked, "Are you crazy?"
"Yes I am. How did you know?"
 

Man: Give me some shampoo.
Shopkeeper: Here you are.
Man: What is free in this?
Shopkeeper: Nothing.
Man: Do not tell lies, sir. This is dandruff free.
 

Melissa: Man is it cold out!
Jennifer: Why do you say that?
Melissa: I just chipped a tooth on my soup!
 

There was a man and he was walking a lion on the side of the street when a policeman came and said, "Sir please don't walk your lion on the side of the street because its very dangerous. Why don't you take him to the zoo?!"
The man agreed with him and took his lion to the zoo.

The next day the policeman saw the man walking his lion again and told him the same thing but the man said, "I already took him to the zoo and he liked it a lot, now I'm going to take him to the movies."
 

There were two dummies standing by a lake. One was on one side, and the other one was on the other side. "How do I get to the other side?" asked the first dummy.
"You are on the other side!" said the second dummy.
 

Father Christmas' sleigh broke down on Christmas Eve. He flagged down a passing motorist and asked, "Can you give me a hand?"
"Sorry," the motorist replied. "I'm not a mechanic, I'm a chiropodist."
"Well, can you give me a toe?"
 

A man told his friend, "I have two daughters. Both are girls."
 

Sam: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this?
Joe: It's because your feet aren't empty.
 

Harold: Getting a job in the Arctic in the winter is great!
Bob: Really? Why?
Harold: When the days get short, you only have to work a 30 minute work week.
 

Patient: Doctor, Doctor. I think I'm blind.
Man: I think you are blind. This is a chip shop!
 

Pete and Repete were in a boat. Pete fell out who was left?
Repete.
Pete and Repete were in a boat. Pete fell out who was left?
Repete.
Pete and Repete were in a boat. Pete fell out who was left?
Repete.
Repeat process until your friend gets annoyed. :)
 

A lady came to a shop and got 14 scoops of ice cream with nuts. The man behind the counter asked, "Do you want a cherry with that?"
The lady replied, "No, I'm on a diet."
 

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow," said her father, "that was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
 

Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
Socks can eat anywhere they want.
 

Dentist: Stop making a face, I haven't even touched your teeth .
Tommy: I know, but you're stepping on my foot!
 

Little Jaden told his his dad he wanted to get married. His dad asked, "Do you have any one in mind?"
He said, "Yes, grandma."
Dad asked, "My mom? Why?"
Little Jaden said, "Well, you married my mom!"
 

One day a lady entered a pet shop.
Lady: May I have a rabbit for my daughter?
Storekeeper: Sorry Ma'am, we don't do trades.
 

The TV game show was really close. One contestant was asked to name 2 of Santa's reindeer. The contestant gave a sigh thinking that he had finally been given an easy question, "Rudolph and Olive!"
The host asked the contestant, "We'll accept Rudolph but can you explain Olive?"
The man looked at the host and said, "You know, 'Olive,' the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names..."
 

Boy: God, what is a thousand years to you?
God: A second.
Boy: God, what is a thousand dollars to you?
God: A penny.
Boy: God, can I have a penny?
God: Sure, just a second.
 

Man: Doctor! Doctor! I ate the key for my door.
Doctor: When did you eat it?
Man: About two months ago.
Doctor: Why are you coming in now?
Man: Because at that time I had another key.
 

If this is New York, where is the old one?
 

Once there was a boy who needed to do his home work. His homework was to write down his family's favourite words.
So when he got home he asked his mom who was listening to the radio, "What is your favourite word mom?"
"Shut up!" So he wrote that down.
Then he went to his dad who was watching football and his favourite team had just scored a goal, so the little boy asked his dad,"What is your favourite word dad?"
"Yeah!" So he wrote that down.
Next he went to his big sister and he asked her, "What is your favourite word?"
She was listening to her favourite CD and said, "A lollipop, a lollipop, a lollipop." So he wrote that down.
Next he went to his brother. He was watching the end of Batman, he asked him, "What is your favourite word?"
"Nananananananana Batman!" so he wrote that down.
Then he went to his baby sister who was playing with her cars. So he asked her, "What is your favourite word?"
"Voom, voom car, a voom, voom car." So he wrote that down.
The next day at school, the teacher asked him to share his homework with the class
He said, "Shut up!"
The teacher said, "Do you want to go to the principal's office?"
"Yeah!"
"What do you think you deserve?"
"A lollipop, a lollipop, a lollipop."
"Who do you think you are?"
"Nananananananana Batman!"
"What do you think you are going to get away with?"
"Voom, voom car, a voom, voom car."
 

A woman is pulled over for reckless driving. The officer asked her why she was swerving in and out of the designated lane. She answered, "There was a tree in my way!"
The officers assures her, "Ma'am, that is you air freshener."
 


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