Squigly Squigly's Jokes and Riddles

Jokes

We've got lots of funny jokes for you! These riddles, knock, knock jokes and jokes have been submitted by kids from all over the world. We know they will make you LOL! :D

Riddles

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. Because her boyfriend was on the other side.

Q. What do you call ghosts that ring doorbells?
A. Dead ringers.

Q. Why was the clock in the cafeteria always slow?
A. Because every lunch it went back four seconds!

Q. Why was the calculator sad?
A. Because it had too many problems to solve!

Q. Why did the bank robber take a bath?
A. So he could make a clean getaway.

Q. Why can't a car play football?
A. Because its only got one boot.

Q. How do you make a cow float?
A. Root beer, ice cream, a cherry, and a cow.

Q. What do you call a worried hot dog?
A. A frank fretter.

Q. Why didn't the moon finish his meal?
A. It was full.

Q. Why are rivers so rich?
A. Because they have 2 banks.

Q. Why do teachers give you homework?
A. Just to annoy you.

Q. How do you attach a duck to the wall?
A. With Duck tape!

Q. What fish will a greedy fisher catch?
A. Selfish!

Q. What school do planets and stars go to to study?
A. UNIVERSity!

Q. What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A. Doyouthinkhesarus?

Q. What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A. Time to get a new fence.

Q. Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
A. To save the world.

Q. There was a boy and a doctor. The boy was the doctor's son but the doctor was not his dad. Who was the doctor?
A. His mom!

Q. What do you call a Christmas duck?
A. A Christmas quacker!

Q. What's a monkey's favorite snack?
A. Chocolate chimp cookies.

Q. Why did the baker go to jail?
A. Because he got caught beating the eggs.

Q. Which is the best month for a parade?
A. March.

Q. What country has the most church bells?
A. BELLgium!

Q. Why didn't Batman and Robin go fishing?
A. Because Robin ate all the the worms.

Q. What is white, black and red all over?
A. An embarrassed penguin.

Q. What do you call a musical insect?
A. A humbug.

Q. What do you call a bear with no ears?
A. B.

Q. What did the jack-o'-lantern say to the other jack-o'-lantern when they were on their way to a Halloween party?
A. "Let's get glowing."

Q. What did the little light bulb say to its mum?
A. "I wuv you watts and watts!"

Q. What does an injured lemon need?
A. Lemon Aid!

Q. Why is it against the law for a man living in Victoria to be buried in New South Wales?
A. Because he's still alive!

Q. What's the best thing about elevator jokes?
A. They work on so many levels.

Q. How do you scare a snowman?
A. You get a hairdryer!

Q. Why is arithmetic hard work?
A. All those numerals you have to carry.

Q. What is black and white and read all over?
A. A newspaper.

Q. Why did the bacon laugh?
A. Because the egg cracked a yoke.

Q. What did Batman say to Robin before he got into the car?
A. "Robin get in the car!"

Q. What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
A. Sir!

Knock Knock Jokes continue below video…

Q. Why did the rope go to the psychologist?
A. Its nerves were frayed.

Q. Why did Sponge Bob have a great Christmas?
A. Because he kissed Krabby Patty.

Q. How do the aliens get their baby to sleep?
A. They ROCKET!

Q. What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses?
A. Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.

Q. How do snowmen get around?
A. On icycles!

Q. Why didn't the lifegaurd save the hippie?
A. Because he was too far out, man.

Q. Why did the millionaire refuse to move to Alaska?
A. He didn't want to freeze his assets.

Q. What can you break without touching it?
A. Someone's heart.

Q. What insect has great baseball skills?
A. A pop fly!

Q. What do you call a cat that eats lemons?
A. A sourpuss.

Q. Why did the hamburger go to the gym?
A. It wanted better buns.

Q. What do you get if you pour boiling hot water down a rabbit hole?
A. Hot cross bunnies.

Q. Why did the vampires cancel the baseball game?
A. Because they couldn't find their bats.

Q. What did the little ghost say to his mom?
A. "I've got a boo boo."

Q. What has eighteen legs and catches flies?
A. A baseball team.

Q. What is green and sings?
A. Elvis Parsley.

Q. What do you do when your fish is off?
A. You tune it up!

Q. How do you communicate with a fish?
A. Drop it a line.

Q. How did Burger King propose to his girlfriend?
A. With an onion ring.

Q. What do you call a person who operates an armored car?
A. A safe driver.

Q. Who invented King Arthur's round table?
A. Sir Cumference!

Q. What do a duck and a tricycle have in common?
A. They both have a steering wheel, except for the duck.

Q. Why did the girl jump up and down before taking her medicine?
A. Because the label said: Shake well before using!

Q. What was Mr. Cow and Mrs. Cow's favorite time together?
A. When they went on their honeyMOOn.

Q. What did the flower say to the bike?
A. "Petal!"

Q. What word, if spelled right is wrong and spelled wrong is right?
A. Wrong!

Q. Why did the Advil go to jail?
A. Because it was a pain killer.

Q. What do you call a cow who learns how to belly dance?
A. A milkshake!

Q. Why did the turkey cross the road?
A. To prove that he wasn't chicken!

Q. A bus driver was going down the road. He passed a stop sign without stopping, went on the left side of the road, and ran a red light, yet he didn't get fined. Why?
A. Because he wasn't driving a bus, he was walking!

Q. Why didn't the class clown use hair oil the day before the big test?
A. Because he didn't want anything to slip his mind.

Q. What do you get when you deep fry Santa Claus?
A. Crisp Kringle.

Q. Why do birds fly south in the winter?
A. Because it's too far to walk!

Q. What do you call a dirty chicken that crosses the road and crosses back again?
A. A dirty double crosser.

Q. What did the taco say to the burrito?
A. "Where you bean?"

Q. What do you call a bunny with fleas?
A. Bugs Bunny.

Q. Why doesn't a bald man need any keys?
A. Because he doesn't have any locks!

Knock-Knock Jokes

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Frank
Frank who?
Frankenstein!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Sherwood
Sherwood who?
Sherwood like to be your valentine!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Berry
Berry who?
Berry nice too meet you can. Can I come in now?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Happy
Happy who?
Happy Father's Day!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Evan
Evan who?
Evan comes after odd.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Pooh
Pooh who?
Don't you know Winnie the Pooh?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Silence
Silence who?
(Stay quiet)

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Irish
Irish who?
Irish you would stop talking.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow use. I forgot my name again!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Double
Double who?
W!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Lettuce
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Ya
Ya who?
I didn't know you were a cowboy!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Noah
Noah who?
Noah good place to eat?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Repeat
Repeat who?
Who, who, who...

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Jamaican
Jamaican who?
Whatcha Jamaican?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Justice
Justice who?
Justice once, let me in please.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Three pigs
Three pigs who?
Three pigs who can't reach the doorbell.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Spell
Spell who?
W-H-O!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Mustache
Mustache who?
Sorry, mustache!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?
Banana split!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Soup
Soup who?
Superman!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Bow
Bow who?
Not bow who, bow wow!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Amish
Amish who?
You don't look like a shoe!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Let's
Let's who?
Let's go for a swim!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Interrupting pirate.
Interrup...
Arr!

Jokes

Dad: Go buy us a drink.
Son: Coke or Pepsi?
Dad: Coke.
Son: Normal or diet?
Dad: Normal
Son: Bottle or can?
Dad: Bottle
Son: 1L or 0.5L?
Dad: Just go buy some water!
Son: Carbonated or normal?
Dad: Normal!
Son: Cold or hot?
Dad: Get out!
Son: Now or later?
Dad: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
 

Boy: Daddy, I have a little pain in my stomach.
Dad: Because your stomach is empty. Go eat some food.
Boy: Really? Is that why mommy is always complaining about her headache? Is her head empty?
 

Larry watched fascinated as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that Mom?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter," asked Larry..."are you giving up?"
 

There was once a cookie saying, "I'm a cookie, I'm a cookie, I'm a cookie."
A lady came along and told him to be quiet. She poked him in the middle. Then the cookie looked at his stomach and said, "I'm a donut, I'm a donut, I'm a donut."
 

Teacher: Mark can you tell me what you would like to be in the future?
Mark: I'd like to be a billionaire and be famous.
Teacher: Interesting, what about you Esther.
Esther: I'd like to be Mark's wife!
 

Person 1: Did you hear about the ball player they put in jail?
Person 2: No.
Person 1: He stole all the bases!
 

Man: Give me some shampoo.
Shopkeeper: Here you are.
Man: What is free in this?
Shopkeeper: Nothing.
Man: Do not tell lies, sir. This is dandruff free.
 

I am lost. I've gone to look for myself. If I happen to return before I get back, then please ask me to wait.
 

Once there was an alien that came from space. He heard the words, "He stole my lollipop." Then he went to the utensils store and heard, "Forks and knives." Then he went to the electricity store and heard, "Plug it in, plug it in."

When he went back to his spaceship he noticed the police were there. They asked him what was wrong and he said, "He stole my lollipop."
"What did you do to him?" They asked.
"Forks and knives," replied the alien.
"If you resist arrest we will have to tazer you?"
"Plug it in, plug it in!"
 

Teacher: Order children, order!
Student 1: I want a burger!
Student 2: I want chocolate ice cream!
Student 3: I want Lasagne!
Teacher: Sheesh!
Students: (laughing) Sorry!!!
 

A man was carrying a grandfather clock down a crowded street to a repair shop. The tall object blocked his view and he knocked into an old lady, causing her to fall. When the lady recovered from her shock, she asked the man, "Why don't you wear a wrist watch like everyone else?"
 

There were 2 cats looking into a green canary's cage. The first cat said to the second cat, "That's not a canary, it's green!"
The second cat said, "I don't know, maybe it's not ripe yet!"
 

A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"
 

The moon goes to the hair dresser. The moon sits down and the sun comes to do his hair. The sun says to the moon, "Before I start on your hair, do you have any-clips?"
 

One day a lady got sick of all the insulting jokes about women so she decided to prove to her husband that she wasn't stupid. She decided to paint a couple of rooms while he was at work. As soon as her husband left she sprung into action and started painting the rooms. When her husband came back he smelt the smell of paint and he saw his wife on the floor in a pool of sweat. She was wearing a coat and a jacket. Her husband asked her if she was okay. She said yes and that she was smart. He asked why's that. I followed the rules on the can and I painted the rooms. She said, "THE CAN SAID FOR BEST RESULTS PUT ON TWO COATS."
 

Two girls are distracted by another girl singing terribly, so they said, "You should sing tenor. Ten or twelve miles away from here!"
 

A cat died in a house. The servant started crying badly.
Master: It is only a cat that has died, why are you crying so much?
Servant: Master, when the cat was there I used to drink the milk and put the blame on it. Now on whom will I put the blame?
 

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an I. Always put 'am' after an I.
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
 

The pillow asks the teddy bear, "Do you want an ice cream sundae?" The bear says, "No thanks, I'm stuffed!"
 

There were three male dogs, a Golden Retriever, a Lab, and Chihuahua, walking down the street. On their walk, they met a beautiful French Poodle. They all ran up to the poodle. The poodle says to the three dogs, "Since you all want to marry me, whoever can say liver and cheese in a complete sentence will get to marry me."
The Golden Retriever says, "I love liver and cheese."
The poodle replied, "How childish"
The Lab says, "I hate liver and cheese."
"You're hopeless," said the poodle.
The Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."
 

A teacher says to a student, "I thought I told you to go to the back of the line?"
The student says, "I did, but someone was there!"
 

Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it?
Student: Obviously it is the past tense.
 

A small boy is asked to find out what the first 4 letters of the alphabet are for his homework.
"Mum, what's the first letter of the alphabet?"
"Shut up and go away," she replied.
The boy went to his dad. "Dad, what's the second letter of the alphabet?"
"YYYYEEEAAAHHH!!!" The boy's dad roared; football was on the TV and his team had scored.
"Brother, what is the third letter of the alphabet?" The boy asked his brother, who was playing with his action men.
"Action Man, the greatest hero of them all!" He cried.
"Sister, what is the fourth letter of the alphabet?" The boy's sister was playing with her Barbie dolls.
"Drive away in the Barbie car, beep, beep!" The boy's sister sang.

The next day in school the teacher asked the boy what the first letter was.
"Shut up and go away!" He replied.
"Do you want to see the head teacher?" Teacher yells.
"YEAH!!"
The boy is sent to the head teacher.
"Who do you think you are?" The headmaster shouts in his face.
"Action Man, the greatest hero of them all!"
"How do you think you're going to get away with this?"
"Drive away in the Barbie car, beep, beep!"
 

One day a big tortoise, a middle sized tortoise and a small tortoise went into a cafe. They ordered three banana splits. While they were waiting they noticed it had begun to rain. "Look at that," said the big tortoise, "we should have brought our umbrella."
"You're right," said the middle tortoise. "Let's send the little one back to get it."
"I'll go," said the little one. "But only if you promise not to eat my banana split."
The big tortoise and the middle tortoise promised.

A few days later the big tortoise said to the middle tortoise, "Come on, let's eat his banana spilt any way."
"All right," said the middle tortoise.
At that moment the little tortoise shouted from the end of the cafe, "You do that and I won't get your umbrella!"
 

A man decided to start a chicken farm and brought 24 to get started. A week later he bought another 24 and another 24 the week after that. When his friend asked how his chicken farm was coming along the man replied, "Not one of them has grown yet. I wonder if I'm planting them too deep?"
 

Two men walked into a bar. One ducked and the other said, "Ouch!"
 

Mother: George, why does your geography exam have a big zero over it?
George: It is not a zero, Mum. The teacher ran out of stars, so she gave me a moon instead!
 

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
 

A cop pulls a woman over and says, "Can I see your driver's licence?"
The girl asks, "What's a driver's licence?"
The cop says, "A little square thing with your picture on it."
So she dug through her purse and found a little hand mirror, and looked in it. She said, "This has my picture on it."
She handed it to the cop. He looks in it and says, "Why didn't you say you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over?"
 

Patient: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?
Doctor: Yes, of course.
Patient: Great! I never could before!
 


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