Squigly Squigly's Jokes and Riddles

Jokes

We've got lots of funny jokes for you! These riddles, knock, knock jokes and jokes have been submitted by kids from all over the world. We know they will make you LOL! :D

Riddles

Q. What has 3 feet but cannot walk?
A. A yardstick!

Q. What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
A. "I find you very attractive."

Q. How do you make a swordfish like the library?
A. Take away the S in its name!

Q. Why did the students study in the aeroplane?
A. Because they wanted higher grades.

Q. Why do rabbits eat carrots?
A. Because they don't want to be nearsighted!

Q. In what way can the letter A help a deaf lady?
A. It can make her hear.

Q. Imagine you are in a metal box. There is no way of getting out. You have no tools or food. How do you get out and survive?
A. You stop imagining!

Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. Because he was tired of living beside KFC!

Q. What is the radius of a pumpkin?
A. Pi.

Q. Three ladies are under a small umbrella. None of them got wet. How did they do it?
A. It wasn't raining!

Q. What is the cat's favorite button on the remote?
A. Paws.

Q. What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants?
A. "Look, a herd of elephants!"

Q. There are 3 men on a boat. The boat tips over and only 2 men get their hair wet. How is that possible?
A. One is bald.

Q. Why did the newspaper blush?
A. Because he saw the comic strip.

Q. Why was the woman so happy she finished the jigsaw puzzle in six months?
A. The box said 2-4 years!

Q. Why did the ghost bring toilet paper to the party?
A. Because he was a party pooper.

Q. What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?
A. A woolly jumper!

Q. What do you call a potato that was crushed?
A. Squash.

Q. What did the skeleton say after dinner?
A. "Everything I eat goes right through me!"

Q. What room can't ghosts go in?
A. The LIVING room!

Q. What object is king of the classroom?
A. The ruler!

Q. What letter is an exclamation?
A. O!

Q. What did one ghost say to the other?
A. "Do you believe in people?!"

Q. What do you call a super hero who has lost his powers?
A. A super-zero.

Q. Why did the oak tree have to eat his ice cream in a dish?
A. The pine tree wouldn't give him a cone!

Q. What's the difference between a grape and a chicken?
A. They're both purple, except the chicken!

Q. What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A. A cloud!

Q. What did the gingerbread man find on his bed?
A. A cookie sheet!

Q. What bird can write?
A. PENguin!

Q. Why are skeletons afraid of dogs?
A. Because dogs love bones!

Q. Where do snowmen go to dance?
A. The snowball.

Q. What do you call a door that is cute?
A. ADOORable!

Q. What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an elephant?
A. Great big holes all over Australia.

Q. What's white and red and goes up and down and up and down?
A. Santa Claus in an elevator!

Q. What did one burp say to the next?
A. Let's be stinkers and sneak out the back!

Q. Why was the voice teacher so good at baseball?
A. Because she had the perfect pitch.

Q. What is a snowman's favorite food?
A. Ice Krispy treats.

Knock Knock Jokes continue below video…

Q. What is a TV's favorite thing to do at the the beach?
A. Channel surf.

Q. Why did Patrick eat money?
A. His mum said it was his lunch money.

Q. Why was the calculator sad?
A. Because it had too many problems to solve!

Q. Why should you never play hide and seek with mountains?
A. Mountains always peek (peak).

Q. What colour is a burp?
A. BURPle!

Q. What is a Snowman's favorite drink?
A. An ice-cappuccino!

Q. What did the vampire bring to the baseball field?
A. His bats!

Q. What did the tie say to the hat?
A. "You go on a head and I'll hang around here."

Q. There's this guy and he's jogging. Well, he turns left, jogs some, turns left, jogs some, and turns left again. When he gets home there are 2 masked men waiting. Who are the masked men?
A. The Umpire and the Back Catcher!

Q. What did the tornado ask the car?
A. "Wanna go for a spin?"

Q. What is cute and cuddly and lives in your toilet?
A. Winnie the Pooh!

Q. What do you do with dead elements?
A. Barium!

Q. Why was the broom late for school?
A. He over swept.

Q. What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
A. You're fun to hang around with.

Q. Why did the orange get stuck up the on the mountain?
A. Because he ran out of juice.

Q. There was no moon and a black car with no headlights was driving on a black road. On the black road there was a black dog. The car avoided the dog. How is this possible?
A. It was daytime.

Q. What is Dracula's favourite fruit?
A. A nectarine.

Q. Hit me hard and I will crack but you'll never stop me from staring back. What am I?
A. A mirror!

Q. Where will you find the biggest rope in the world?
A. In EuROPE!

Q. What is the smartest city in America?
A. Alabama because it has four A's and one B!

Q. What can you put in a freezer that's hot and will always come out hot?
A. Hot sauce.

Q. What do you call a snowman's temper tantrum?
A. A meltdown!

Q. What school subject is a witch good at?
A. Spelling.

Q. Why did the TV go out with the heater?
A. Because he thought she was hot!

Q. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A. Because he had no guts.

Q. What is a light year?
A. The same as a regular year, but with fewer calories.

Q. Why couldn't the girl dial 911?
A. She couldn't find the 11.

Q. Which baseball team do puppies play for?
A. The New York Pets.

Q. What is worse than finding a worm in your apple?
A. Finding half a worm in your apple.

Q. Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her roller blades on?
A. Because she wanted to rock and roll.

Q. Why do Monarch's fly to Mexico?
A. Because it's too far to walk!

Q. What did the Christmas tree say to the ornament?
A. "Aren't you tired of hanging around?"

Q. Why is a riddle like a joke?
A. It's no good without a point.

Q. What's the difference between a dirty dime and a clean nickel?
A. 5 cents.

Q. Why did the elephant wear red tennis shoes?
A. To hide in the strawberry patch!

Q. Why did the centipede go barefoot?
A. Because he couldn't afford so many shoes!

Q. Why couldn't the eight year old get into the pirate movie?
A. Because it was rated ARRRR!

Knock-Knock Jokes

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Dinosaur
Dinosaur who?
Dinosaurs don't go who, they go ROAR!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
You'll
You'll who?
You'll never know until you open the door.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Who
Who who?
Are you an owl or something!?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Hello
Hello who?
Hello Kitty!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Woo
Woo who?
You don't have to get so excited!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Marry me?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Amos
Amos who?
Amos quito just bit me, boo hoo!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Sherwood
Sherwood who?
Sherwood like to be your valentine!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Ben and Jimmy
Ben and Jimmy who?
Ben down and Jimmy a kiss.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Horton Hears a
Horton Hears a who?
That's my favorite book!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Euorupe
Euorupe who?
Euorupe early today!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?
Banana split!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive you. (I love you)

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Answer and the door and you'll find out!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Twit
Twit who?
Did anyone else hear an owl?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Cheese
Cheese who?
Cheese a cute girl!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Abe
Abe who?
Abe C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Lena
Lena who?
Lena little closer and I'll tell you!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
For
For who?
For you!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Lettuce
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Granny
Granny who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Granny
Granny who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Granny
Granny who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Aunt
Aunt who?
Aunt you glad I got rid of all those grannies!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Atch
Atch who?
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you had a cold.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Gorilla
Gorilla who?
Gorilla me a hamburger!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
You Know
You Know who?
Exactly. Avada Kedavra, Muggle!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Jamaican
Jamaican who?
Whatcha Jamaican?

Jokes

A little boy was in a wedding. Every time he walked 2 steps down the aisle, he would roar. When he finally got to the end of the aisle the people asked what he was doing. The little boy said that he was just being the Ring Bear.
 

Guy 1: What's a pirate's favorite letter?
Guy 2: R! (Argh!)
Guy 1: You may think it's the R but it's actually the C! (sea)
 

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an I. Always put 'am' after an I.
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
 

A teacher said to a student could you count to ten for me. This is what the kid said: "1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 10."
The teacher asked, "Where is 9."
"7 ate 9," said the student matter-of-factly.
 

Teacher: Who is smart? Put up your hand.
Then all the students except Ken raise their hand.
Teacher: Ken, why aren't you raising your hand?
Ken: Because if I raise my hand than you'll be all alone.
 

Bob: I lost my dog today.
Bill: So put an ad in the paper.
Bob: What good would that do? My dog can't read.
 

You are in a closed iron box. It is ten feet tall and you are three inches tall. All you have is a bat and ball. How do you get out?
You try to hit the ball once. You miss. Strike 1.
You try to hit the ball again. You miss. Strike 2.
You try to hit the ball again. You miss. Strike 3.
You are out!
 

There was a man called Stupid and a man called Nobody. One day Stupid pushed Nobody out of the window and then called for an ambulance. When it arrived, he told them that Nobody fell out of the window. The ambulance driver replied, "Are you stupid?"
Stupid replied, "That's amazing!! How did you guess?!"
 

Teacher: What is the purpose of having school?
Student: Without school, there wouldn't be a reason for holidays and summer vacation.
 

Once there were two chocolate bunnies and one had their ear bit off. One said, "Happy Easter."
"Huh?" Said the other.
 

Two girls are distracted by another girl singing terribly, so they said, "You should sing tenor. Ten or twelve miles away from here!"
 

Jessica: There's a guy that has a wooden leg named Smith.
Amber: What's the name of his other leg?
 

John: Can I cut you in line?
Stella: No, I would like to stay in one piece!
 

Two turtles were walking across the road, when suddenly a bright red car came racing around the corner and straight for them, one said to the other, "RUN!"
 

There was a pig on the side of the road and a man came and picked him up. A cop saw him driving with the pig in his car. The cop pulled him over and said, "What are you doing with a pig in your front seat?"
The man said, "I'm taking him to the zoo."
And the cop said, "Oh, alright."

The next day the cop saw the same man with the same pig in his front seat, he pulled him over and asked, "What are you doing with that pig? I thought you were taking him to the zoo."
"I did, and today we're going to Disneyland."
 

If this is New York, where is the old one?
 

A man said to his doctor, "I can't stop telling lies."
The doctor replied, "I don't believe you!"
 

Teacher: How many seconds in a minute?
Student: 60
Teacher: How many minutes in an hour?
Student: 60
Teacher: Good, now for a hard one, how many seconds in a year?
Student: 12
Teacher: 12?
Student: Yes, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...
 

Dear Teacher,

Roses are red
Voilets aren't gray
I give you this card
Now give me an A
From Jimmy
 

A man walked into a bar. Ouch!
 

Screen door: Something kids get a bang out of!
 

Man: Give me some shampoo.
Shopkeeper: Here you are.
Man: What is free in this?
Shopkeeper: Nothing.
Man: Do not tell lies, sir. This is dandruff free.
 

Teacher: Take a seat!
Student: Take it where?
 

Martin Luther Chicken Jr. says: "I dream of a world where chickens can cross roads and not be questioned of their reason!"
 

Doctor: Next please!
Patient: Can you help me out please?
Doctor: Which way did you come in?
 

Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Winnie: Me!
 

A boy walked into his classroom late. "Why are you late?" the teacher asked.
"Because I saw a dead cat on the way to school," he said.
"How did you know it was dead?"
"I PSST in its ear."
"YOU DID WHAT!?"
"Yeah, I bent down and went PSST in its ear and it didn't move."
 

A newspaper reporter submitted a story about the theft of 2,025 pigs.
His editor, struck at the size of the theft, called the farmer to confirm.
"Is it true that you lost two thousand twenty-five pigs?" he asked.
"Yeth," said the farmer.
The editor thanked him, hung up, and changed the phrase to "two sows and 25 pigs."
 

A chicken walks into a library. He goes up to the librarian and says "book book." The librarian gives him two books and he walks away.

The next day the chicken walks up to the librarian and said "book book." The librarian wonders what the chicken is doing with the books, so she follows him out the door and to a pond. The chicken held up the books to a frog and the frog said, "Red it, red it."

 

A skeleton went to the doctor. The doctor looked at the skeleton and said, "Aren't you a little late?"
 


 We also have jokes about…