Squigly Squigly's Jokes and Riddles

Jokes

We've got lots of funny jokes for you! These riddles, knock, knock jokes and jokes have been submitted by kids from all over the world. We know they will make you LOL! :D

Riddles

Q. How does a penguin build a house?
A. Igloos it together!

Q. What kind of ant is so strong that it can knock down trees?
A. An elephant.

Q. Where did the ghost go on vacation?
A. The BOO-hamas!

Q. How long should a reindeer's legs be?
A. Just long enough to reach the ground!

Q. What loses its head every day and gets it back every night?
A. A pillow.

Q. What goes through towns and hills but never moves?
A. Roads.

Q. Why are angel marriages so good?
A. Because they live harp-ily ever after.

Q. What kind of bug hates Christmas?
A. A humbug.

Q. How do you make a Kleenex dance?
A. You put a little boogie in it!

Q. What goes around and around but never gets dizzy?
A. Earth.

Q. Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
A. Because he felt crummy.

Q. Which one is faster, hot or cold?
A. Hot. You can catch cold!

Q. What is the best way to see a flying saucer?
A. Trip a waiter.

Q. Why did the mummy get a headache?
A. Because he was GOBLIN his candy!

Q. Why did Batman cross his legs?
A. He had to go to the BATroom!

Q. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
A. Nothing, it was on the house!

Q. Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
A. To reach the high notes!

Q. Where can you always find happiness?
A. In a dictionary!

Q. Why did the surfer wear a baseball mitt?
A. He wanted to catch a wave.

Q. A cowboy rode into town on Friday, stayed for 3 days and left on Friday. How did he do it?
A. His horse's name was Friday.

Q. What kind of birds always stay together?
A. Velcrows.

Q. Why do ducks have webbed feet?
A. To stomp out forest fires.

Q. Why do ducks have webbed feet?
A. To stomp out forest fires.

Q. How does Lady Gaga like her meat?
A. Raw raw raw!

Q. What has four legs, stands and is helpful to people?
A. A table!

Q. What did the elephant do when he hurt his toe?
A. He called a tow truck.

Q. What can you find in the middle of a tornado?
A. The letter N.

Q. What do you call a dog who wins a race?
A. A weiner.

Q. Where do pirates like to eat?
A. ARR-bys!

Q. Why do elephants have trunks?
A. Because they would look funny with a suitcase.

Q. What do you call an ant who studies accounts?
A. An accountANT.

Q. What has a tongue but can't talk?
A. A shoe!

Q. What has no lid, key, or hinge yet golden treasure is hid inside?
A. An egg!

Q. What did the bully have for lunch?
A. He had a knuckle sandwich!

Q. Where do birds go to school?
A. High school.

Q. How do you make Lady Gaga mad?
A. Poker face!

Q. Why is the Easter Bunny so smart?
A. He's an egghead.

Q. What do squirrels give each other for Valentine's Day?
A. Forget me nuts!

Q. What did the plate say to the other plate?
A. "Food's on me tonight!"

Knock Knock Jokes continue below video…

Q. Why did the girl jump up and down before taking her medicine?
A. Because the label said: Shake well before using!

Q. Where did the ghosts go for vacation?
A. Mali-BOO.

Q. What do you get when you cross a dog with a valentine card?
A. A card that says, "I love you drool-ly"!

Q. What has a neck but no head?
A. A bass.

Q. What do you do if something charges at you?
A. You take away its credit card!

Q. What did the lightbulb say to his girlfriend?
A. "I love you a whole watt!"

Q. What do you call an elephant at the North Pole?
A. Lost.

Q. Why did the starfish breakup with the lobster?
A. Because he was SHELLfish.

Q. Where do bees go after they are married?
A. On their HONEY-moon!

Q. What do you call a skeleton that lies on its grave?
A. Lazy bones!

Q. What is white with black spots and goes, "Oo, oo, oo"?
A. A cow with no lips.

Q. What do you call a banana that gets all the girls?
A. A banana smoothie!

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. Because he was tired of living beside KFC!

Q. One cow is talking to another cow and looks away for 10 seconds and the other cow is gone. Where is the other cow?
A. Over the moon!

Q. What letter is looking for causes?
A. Y.

Q. Imagine you are in a boat. You were being circled by sharks. One shark is about to bite you. What should you do?
A. Stop imagining!

Q. Why don't fleas get cold?
A. They are always in fur coats!

Q. Why couldn't the shipmates play cards?
A. The captain was sitting on the deck!

Q. What does an injured lemon need?
A. Lemon Aid!

Q. What is black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white and green?
A. Two skunks fighting over a pickle.

Q. What happened to the Easter Bunny when he was naughty at school?
A. He was eggs-pelled!

Q. What do you call a deer that makes money?
A. A buck!

Q. Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
A. Because KFC was on the other side.

Q. Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A. Because they are always a little short!

Q. What's the worst thing that can happen to a geography teacher?
A. Getting lost.

Q. Why was Dracula put in jail?
A. He tried to rob a blood bank.

Q. Why did the lamb go to the river?
A. To get a BAA-th!

Q. Why are Christmas trees such bad knitters?
A. They are always dropping their needles.

Q. Why doesn't the sun go to college?
A. Because it has a million degrees!

Q. What did the policeman have on his sandwich?
A. Some traffic jam!

Q. What do you get when you cross a ball and a cat?
A. A fur ball.

Q. Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State building?
A. Yes. A building can't jump.

Q. What do you need if you see a kangaroo 20 miles away?
A. I don't know, but you sure don't need glasses.

Q. What is worse than finding a worm in your apple?
A. Finding half a worm in your apple.

Q. What animal is good with tools?
A. Hammer-head shark!

Q. What is cute and cuddly and lives in your toilet?
A. Winnie the Pooh!

Q. Why do Rappers like Christmas so much?
A. Because of all the wrapping!

Knock-Knock Jokes

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo who?
Don't cry, it's only a joke.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Who
Who who?
I didn't know you were an owl!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Jamaican
Jamaican who?
Whatcha Jamaican?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Echo
Echo who?
Echo who? Echo who?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow laughing matter!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Ben and Jimmy
Ben and Jimmy who?
Ben down and Jimmy a kiss.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Butch, Jimmy and Joe
Butch, Jimmy and Joe who?
Butch your arms around me, Jimmy a little kiss, and I will Joe home.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Granny
Granny who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Granny
Granny who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Granny
Granny who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Aunt
Aunt who?
Aunt you glad I got rid of all those grannies!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Brittney Spears.
Brittney Spears who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Oops! I did it again!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Purr
Purr who?
Purr-fect kitty!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Mary and Abbey
Mary and Abbey who?
Mary Christmas and Abbey New Year!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Felix
Felix who?
Felix my lolly, I'll whack him.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Doctor
Doctor who?
You're right!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Rida
Rida who?
Rida lot of books!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Kenya
Kenya who?
Kenya pass the milk? I'm thirsty.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Mustache
Mustache who?
Sorry, mustache!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Three pigs
Three pigs who?
Three pigs who can't reach the doorbell.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo who?
Why are you crying?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Let's
Let's who?
Let's go for a swim!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Apple
Apple who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Apple
Apple who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Apple
Apple who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Lemon
Lemon who?
Lemon know when you want me to say apple again.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Interrupting cow
Interrup...
Moooooooo!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow use. I forgot my name again!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Carrie
Carrie who?
Carrie the shopping in will you? It weighs a ton.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Ivana
Ivana who?
Ivana suck your blood.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
You'll
You'll who?
You'll never know until you open the door.

Jokes

Once an old man and woman went to a restaurant and ordered two sandwiches. The waiter brought the sandwiches and the old man started to eat but the women was only staring at the food. The waiter noticed this and went to see what the problem was. The old woman said nothing and just stared at him but the old man interrupted and said, "The sandwich is delicious, but she can't eat because I am using her teeth."
 

A neutron walks into a bar, buys a drink then asks how much for his drink. The bartender says, "For you, no charge."
 

Jessica: There's a guy that has a wooden leg named Smith.
Amber: What's the name of his other leg?
 

One day a little boy made his mom a cup of coffee. It wasn't the best tasting coffee but she drank it to be nice. When the cup was all gone the mom saw the boys toy soldiers in the bottom of the cup. So the mom asked why they were there. The boy simply replied, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."
 

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
 

Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it?
Student: Obviously it is the past tense.
 

One day three women walked into a bar. The bartender said that if they looked into the mirror and told the truth they would get $10,000.00. But if they told a lie, they would disappear forever.

The first girl went up and said, "I think I'm the prettiest one in the bar." She got $10,000.00.

The next girl went up and said, "I think I'm the smartest one in the bar." She got $10,000.00 too.

The last girl went up and said, "I think..." and POOF, she was gone.
 

A guy went to the doctor. "Doctor, I keep getting this pain in my eye every time a take a drink of my coffee."
The doctor says, "Try taking out the spoon."
 

There were three people. One was called Nobody, the second was called Somebody and third Crazy. One day Nobody killed Somebody. Crazy called the police and said, "Nobody killed Somebody!"
The police asked, "Are you crazy?"
"Yes I am. How did you know?"
 

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I'm going to die in 59 seconds!
Doctor: Hang on, I'll be there in a minute.
 

Emma: Do you know what echo means?
John: Can you repeat that?
 

Now I lay my head to rest
A pile of books upon my chest
If I shall die before I wake
That's one less test I have to take.
 

If teachers are so smart then why are they in school?
 

Bob: I lost my dog today.
Bill: So put an ad in the paper.
Bob: What good would that do? My dog can't read.
 

Judge: Don't you have common sense? Why did you rob the shop again and again?
Thief: The board hanging on the shop says "Thank you, come again."
 

Kid: I bet I can make you say Black. What's the color of the sky?
Kid's friend: Blue
Kid: Told you I could make you say blue.
Kid's friend: What? You said black.
Kid: Told you I could make you say black.

 

A mother snake bought a gift for her son's birthday. The son was so thrilled he hissed, "Mommy! Help me open it. I'm crawling out of my skin with excitement!"
 

There was a pig on the side of the road and a man came and picked him up. A cop saw him driving with the pig in his car. The cop pulled him over and said, "What are you doing with a pig in your front seat?"
The man said, "I'm taking him to the zoo."
And the cop said, "Oh, alright."

The next day the cop saw the same man with the same pig in his front seat, he pulled him over and asked, "What are you doing with that pig? I thought you were taking him to the zoo."
"I did, and today we're going to Disneyland."
 

There were two sisters and they had $700 to spend on a bull. So one sister stayed home and looked after the farm while the other went to the auction. The sister brought the bull for $699 so she went to the post office and asked how much it was to send a telegram. It was $1 a word. So she told the man to send the word: Comfortable. (Come-for-the-bull.)
 

Erin: Hey Taya, did you hear the joke about the bed?
Taya: No, what is it?
Erin: Never mind, it hasn't been made up yet.
 

A snail purchased a new sports car. He told the salesperson that he wanted the letter "S" painted on both sides of the car. The salesman asked what is the "S" for? Snail? The Snail answered, "No, when I drive by I want people to say "Wow, look at that 'S' car go!" (escargo)
 

Did you know the most fattening food in the world is peanuts? Well have you ever seen a skinny elephant?
 

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, that little boy asked, "Why?"
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered, "Yes." Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth!"
The dad replied, "Well son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree."
 

Lady: Doctor! Doctor! I only have one minute to live.
Doctor: Okay! Just a minute!
 

Melissa: Man is it cold out!
Jennifer: Why do you say that?
Melissa: I just chipped a tooth on my soup!
 

A teenager saw twins and said to her friend, "I really need to see the doctor! I am seeing double!"
 

There was a man and he was walking a lion on the side of the street when a policeman came and said, "Sir please don't walk your lion on the side of the street because its very dangerous. Why don't you take him to the zoo?!"
The man agreed with him and took his lion to the zoo.

The next day the policeman saw the man walking his lion again and told him the same thing but the man said, "I already took him to the zoo and he liked it a lot, now I'm going to take him to the movies."
 

There were two dummies standing by a lake. One was on one side, and the other one was on the other side. "How do I get to the other side?" asked the first dummy.
"You are on the other side!" said the second dummy.
 

A teacher asked a girl, "How was the Red Sea formed?"
The girl said, "Sorry Miss, I don't know who painted it."
 

Basketball coach: Bob I think you grew a foot over the summer!
Basketball player: No coach, honest I only got two!
 


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