Squigly Squigly's Jokes and Riddles

Jokes

We've got lots of funny jokes for you! These riddles, knock, knock jokes and jokes have been submitted by kids from all over the world. We know they will make you LOL! :D

Riddles

Q. What's black, white and blue all over?
A. A cold zebra.

Q. What do you get when you cross a bird, a car, and a dog?
A. A flying carpet.

Q. Why did the students study in the aeroplane?
A. Because they wanted higher grades.

Q. Where does a baseball catcher eat his dinner?
A. Behind the plate!

Q. Why doesn't the sun go to college?
A. Because it has a million degrees!

Q. What is black, white and red all over?
A. An embarassed zebra!

Q. What do bunnies do when they get married?
A. Go on a bunnymoon!

Q. What is yours but your friends use more than you?
A. Your name!

Q. Which building has the most stories?
A. Library!

Q. What did the snake say to his girlfriend on Valentine's Day?
A. "Give me a little hiss."

Q. What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
A. He got a little behind in his work!

Q. What sits outside all year long and is Irish?
A. Paddy O'furniture.

Q. What is brown, has a tail and a head, but no legs?
A. A penny!

Q. What do you get when you kiss a dragon on Valentine's Day?
A. Third degree burns on your lips.

Q. What is in fingers, toolboxes and snails?
A. Nails!

Q. How did Burger King propose to his girlfriend?
A. With an onion ring.

Q. How is bubble gum similar to a Wookie?
A. It's Chewy.

Q. Why did the horse cross the road?
A. To get to the other NEIGH-bourhood.

Q. What can you call a math teacher?
A. A ruler.

Q. What kind of monkey can fly?
A. A hot air BABOON!

Q. What letter is a European bird?
A. J.

Q. Take me out of the box, scratch my head, I am now black but once was red. What am I?
A. A match!

Q. Why was the voice teacher so good at baseball?
A. Because she had the perfect pitch.

Q. Why didn't the bunny hop?
A. No bunny knows.

Q. Why couldn't the astronaut land on the moon?
A. Because it was full.

Q. Where do pencils come from?
A. Pennsylvania.

Q. What is a photograph's favorite game?
A. Pictionary.

Q. What do you do when you see a ghost?
A. Run away of course!

Q. What did one ghost say to the other?
A. "Do you believe in people?!"

Q. Why did the duck cross the road?
A. Because it was the chicken's day off!

Q. Why did the spider take a laptop to the beach?
A. So it could surf the web.

Q. Why did the starfish breakup with the lobster?
A. Because he was SHELLfish.

Q. What is a popular search engine for ghosts?
A. GHOULgle!

Q. What do you call an an ant sticking out of the ground?
A. A plANT!

Q. Why did the children eat their homework?
A. Because their teacher said it was a piece of cake.

Q. Can you name two things that have an eye buy can't see?
A. A needle and a hurricane!

Q. What has a neck but no head?
A. A bass.

Q. What do you call a dancing ant?
A. A dANTcer!

Knock Knock Jokes continue below video…

Q. What is red and has fangs?
A. An apple. I lied about the fangs!

Q. What has a thousand legs, a long neck but no head?
A. A broom.

Q. What happened to the wind?
A. It blew away!

Q. What did one cliff say to the other cliff?
A. "Don't try to bluff me."

Q. Why was the crab arrested?
A. For pinching!

Q. What did the baseball say to the cake batter?
A. "Batter up."

Q. What was the name of the fastest dinosaur?
A. The PRONTOsaurus!

Q. Where do crayons go on vacation?
A. COLORado!

Q. What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an oyster?
A. The oyster bunny.

Q. What do you call a sleeping bull?
A. A BULL-dozer.

Q. What has four legs, stands and is helpful to people?
A. A table!

Q. Who does Frankenstein invite to his party?
A. Anyone he can gobble up!

Q. Why did the man go off the cliff with his truck?
A. He wanted to test his air brakes.

Q. Why couldn't they play cards on the ark?
A. Because Noah sat on the deck!

Q. What happened to the Easter Bunny when he was naughty at school?
A. He was eggs-pelled!

Q. What does a wolf say on Halloween?
A. "Happy HOWLoween!"

Q. Why was the math book unhappy?
A. Because he had too many problems!

Q. What does the pink panther do with his camera?
A. He takes PINKtures!

Q. What do you call a polar bear in the desert?
A. Lost.

Q. What is the end of everything?
A. The letter G.

Q. What did the father Easter egg do when the mother Easter egg told him a joke?
A. He cracked up!

Q. What does not ask questions but must be answered?
A. A doorbell.

Q. What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?
A. Auld Fang Syne!

Q. What is Barbie's favorite state?
A. KENtucky!

Q. Why did the banana go to the doctor's office?
A. Because he wasn't peeling well!

Q. What do ghosts serve for dessert?
A. I scream.

Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A. I don't know and I don't care.

Q. Why do Monarch's fly to Mexico?
A. Because it's too far to walk!

Q. What's the richest kind of air?
A. Billionaire.

Q. If the red house is in the left and the blue house is on the right, where is the white house ?
A. Washington DC.

Q. What do you call elephants that swim?
A. Swimming trunks!

Q. What food do you get when you cross Frosty with a polar bear?
A. A "brrr" - "grrr"!

Q. What did the happy slice of cheese say to the sad slice of cheese?
A. "Aw, it will be okay! Everything is GOUDA!"

Q. What is a volcano?
A. A mountain with hiccups!

Q. What do you call a bad event with cats?
A. CATastrophe!

Q. What did the bread say to the knife?
A. "Don't try to butter me up."

Q. There's this guy and he's jogging. Well, he turns left, jogs some, turns left, jogs some, and turns left again. When he gets home there are 2 masked men waiting. Who are the masked men?
A. The Umpire and the Back Catcher!

Knock-Knock Jokes

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you glad we are out of school?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Cows go
Cows go who?
No, cows go moo!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Zee
Zee who?
Can't you zee I'm knocking?!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Frank
Frank who?
Frankenstein!

Will you remember in a year?
Yes.
Will you remember in a month?
Yes.
Will you remember in a week?
Yes.
Will you remember in a day?
Yes.
Knock, knock
Who's there?
You forgot me already!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Echo
Echo who?
Echo who? Echo who?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Shh
Shh who?
Shh yourself. I'm trying to watch a movie!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Uriah
Uriah who?
Keep uriah on the ball!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Cargo
Cargo who?
Cargo beep, beep!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Philip
Philip who?
Philip the car, we're out of gas.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Yo
Yo who?
Yo mama!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Water
Water who?
Water you doing in my house!?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
I am
I am who?
You don't know who you are?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive you. (I love you)

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Ivan
Ivan who?
Ivan. You lose!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you glad I like you.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Will
Will who?
Will you let me in?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Me
Me who?
You don't know me?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Dinosaur
Dinosaur who?
Dinosaurs don't go who, they go ROAR!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Elmo
Elmo who?
You don't know who Elmo is?!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Know one is there, you're alone.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Horton Hears a
Horton Hears a who?
That's my favorite book!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Doctor
Doctor who?
You're right!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Time
Time who?
Time for dinner, it's getting late.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Claire
Claire who?
Claire out the room!

Jokes

Dad writes on son's Facebook wall:
"Dear Son, How are you? All is fine here. We miss you a lot. Please turn off your computer and come down for dinner. Love Dad"
 

Mary had a little lamb,
But the lamb started to tease her.
Mary said, "STOP!"
But the lamb refused
So now it's in the freezer.
 

Dad: Why is your test score so low?
Girl: Because of absence.
Dad: You were absent?
Girl: No, the girl next to me was.
 

An elephant asked an ant, "Please hide me." So the ant replied, "Hide behind me."
 

Teacher: Who is smart? Put up your hand.
Then all the students except Ken raise their hand.
Teacher: Ken, why aren't you raising your hand?
Ken: Because if I raise my hand than you'll be all alone.
 

Mom: Why aren't you doing well in history?
Child: Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!
 

A lady came to a shop and got 14 scoops of ice cream with nuts. The man behind the counter asked, "Do you want a cherry with that?"
The lady replied, "No, I'm on a diet."
 

Headmaster: I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?
Johnny: Nothing, sir.
Headmaster: Exactly.
 

LaKesheauna: My dentist put his finger in a lion's mouth to see how many teeth it had.
Latangela: What did the lion do?
LaKesheauna: It closed its mouth to see how many fingers my dentist had.
 

Guy 1: What's a pirate's favorite letter?
Guy 2: R! (Argh!)
Guy 1: You may think it's the R but it's actually the C! (sea)
 

One day a lady got sick of all the insulting jokes about women so she decided to prove to her husband that she wasn't stupid. She decided to paint a couple of rooms while he was at work. As soon as her husband left she sprung into action and started painting the rooms. When her husband came back he smelt the smell of paint and he saw his wife on the floor in a pool of sweat. She was wearing a coat and a jacket. Her husband asked her if she was okay. She said yes and that she was smart. He asked why's that. I followed the rules on the can and I painted the rooms. She said, "THE CAN SAID FOR BEST RESULTS PUT ON TWO COATS."
 

A teacher asked a girl, "How was the Red Sea formed?"
The girl said, "Sorry Miss, I don't know who painted it."
 

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
 

A girl once got lost near a river. She traveled up and down it searching for a way to get to the other side.

She tried walking in the shallow part of the river and she even tried grabbing onto a branch that stretched half way across the river to try to swing to the other side. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't get across.

After many failed attempts, she finally felt like giving up. Yet, at the last moment, she saw a person walking by and decided to follow her across the bridge.
 

Now I lay my head to rest
A pile of books upon my chest
If I shall die before I wake
That's one less test I have to take.
 

Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
John: You told me to do it without using tables.
 

A visitor to the United States for the first time went to Manhattan to do some sight-seeing and shopping. Somehow he managed to get lost, so he called his cousin from a phone booth to pick him up. "Which corners are you at?" asked the cousin.
The visitor said, "Hold on." Stepping carefully onto the sidewalk, he looked up at the sign and stepped back into the booth. "I am at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk!"
 

There were three men and they were going to Disneyland. They saw a sign that said, "Disneyland left." So they turned around and went back home.
 

Electrician: Your doorbell doesn't work, because you have a short circuit in the wiring.
Housewife: Well for goodness sake lengthen it!
 

A man told his friend, "I have two daughters. Both are girls."
 

When Dad came home he was astonished to see Alec sitting on a horse writing something. "What on earth are you doing up there?" Dad asked.
"Well the teacher told us to write an essay on our favourite animal. That's why I'm up here and sitting on the goldfish bowl!"
 

Sam: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this?
Joe: It's because your feet aren't empty.
 

Teacher: Joey, I thought I told you to stand at the END of the line!
Joey: I tried, but someone was already standing there!
 

There was a man called Stupid and a man called Nobody. One day Stupid pushed Nobody out of the window and then called for an ambulance. When it arrived, he told them that Nobody fell out of the window. The ambulance driver replied, "Are you stupid?"
Stupid replied, "That's amazing!! How did you guess?!"
 

Larry watched fascinated as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that Mom?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter," asked Larry..."are you giving up?"
 

Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your dad for another, how much would you have?
Boy: One dollar.
Teacher: Are you sure?
Boy: Yes, my dad wouldn't give me a dollar!
 

Father Christmas' sleigh broke down on Christmas Eve. He flagged down a passing motorist and asked, "Can you give me a hand?"
"Sorry," the motorist replied. "I'm not a mechanic, I'm a chiropodist."
"Well, can you give me a toe?"
 

A man said to his doctor, "I can't stop telling lies."
The doctor replied, "I don't believe you!"
 

Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!
 

Mother: Swimming makes you slim and trim.
Son: I don't think that's true.
Mother: Why?
Son: Look at the ducks, they are fat and stout!
 


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