Squigly Squigly's Jokes and Riddles

Jokes

We've got lots of funny jokes for you! These riddles, knock, knock jokes and jokes have been submitted by kids from all over the world. We know they will make you LOL! :D

Riddles

Q. Why did Frosty have a carrot in his nose?
A. Because he forgot where the refrigerator was.

Q. What has a ring but no finger?
A. A telephone!

Q. What bird is always sad?
A. A blue-bird.

Q. What is big, grey and has a lot of red bumps?
A. An elephant that was stung by a lot of bees!

Q. How many animals of each species did Moses take aboard the ark with him?
A. None, it was Noah's ark.

Q. What did one ghost say to the other?
A. "Do you believe in people?!"

Q. What happens to cereal when you add legs?
A. It gives it a little kick!

Q. Where do pirates like to eat?
A. ARR-bys!

Q. What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?
A. Stuck!

Q. What does Frankenstein's wife wear on her face to keep it smooth?
A. MONSTERizer!

Q. Why was the coach mad?
A. Because he wanted his quarterback.

Q. Why was the music teacher not able to open his class room?
A. Because his keys were on the piano.

Q. What is a cat's favorite color?
A. PURRple!

Q. What kind of bats swing upside down?
A. AcroBATS!

Q. Why did the cactus cross the road?
A. Because he was stuck to the chicken's back.

Q. What did the man say to the butcher at the deli?
A. "I never sausage a place"

Q. Where do New York City kids learn their multiplication tables?
A. Times Square.

Q. What has four eyes but can't see?
A. Mississippi.

Q. Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
A. He couldn't afford their air fare!

Q. Paul is six feet tall. He is an assistant in a butcher shop. He wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh?
A. Meat.

Q. What stories does the Easter Bunny like best?
A. The ones with happy eggings!

Q. What do you call a reptile that sings?
A. A RAPtile!

Q. What did the red sock say to the white sock?
A. "Let's play ball."

Q. Why did the turkey cross the road?
A. Because it was the chicken's day off!

Q. What does a tree drink?
A. Root beer!

Q. How do bees go to school?
A. By school BUZZ!

Q. Where did the cow go on a holiday?
A. MOO York.

Q. What do you call a bell that can do gymnastics?
A. A flexi-bell.

Q. What do get when you cross one principal with another principal?
A. I wouldn't do it, principals don't like to be crossed!

Q. What animal has a crown on its head?
A. A rooster.

Q. How is bubble gum similar to a Wookie?
A. It's Chewy.

Q. Why didn't the ghost go boo?
A. Because it had no guts.

Q. Why is Cinderella a bad football player?
A. Because she has a pumpkin as a coach!

Q. What's the difference between a grape and a chicken?
A. They're both purple, except the chicken!

Q. What did the pig put on his rash?
A. OINKment!

Q. Why do people by aggressive fruit?
A. So they can make fruit punch!

Q. Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable?
A. Because its got heart.

Q. What flower gives the most kisses on Valentines Day?
A. Tulips.

Knock Knock Jokes continue below video…

Q. Why did the cow pack his bags?
A. Because he was MOOving!

Q. Why are angel marriages so good?
A. Because they live harp-ily ever after.

Q. Where do crayons go on vacation?
A. COLORado!

Q. What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
A. Bacon and legs!

Q. What did the ghost say to Santa Claus?
A. "I'll have a boo Christmas without you."

Q. Why did the children eat their homework?
A. Because their teacher said it was a piece of cake.

Q. Why did the skeleton stand in the corner during his prom?
A. He had no body to dance with!

Q. What has hands but no arms?
A. A clock.

Q. Why did the man stick his car in the stove?
A. He wanted a hot rod!

Q. What is a cow's favourite drink?
A. MOO Juice.

Q. What makes seven even?
A. Taking the S away!

Q. Why did the turkey cross the road?
A. Because Thanksgiving was right around the corner.

Q. What is a ghost's favorite fruit?
A. BOOberries.

Q. Hit me hard and I will crack but you'll never stop me from staring back. What am I?
A. A mirror!

Q. Why was 6 afraid of 7?
A. Because 7 8 9!

Q. Why did the rooster get a tattoo?
A. He wanted to impress the chicks!

Q. Who says "Oh, Oh, Oh!"?
A. Santa walking backwards!

Q. Why was Dracula put in jail?
A. He tried to rob a blood bank.

Q. There was a train with passengers inside. Suddenly the train crashed, where would the survivors be buried?
A. No where, they are the survivors!

Q. Do you know who I think is the most beautiful person in the world?
A. Look at the 5th word.

Q. Where does a cow go when he's bored?
A. To the MOOvies.

Q. Where do horses go when they are sick?
A. HORSEpital.

Q. How do snowmen greet each other?
A. They say, "Have an ICE day!"

Q. What's the difference between winter and a hurt football player?
A. One is cold out and the other one is out cold.

Q. What country has the most church bells?
A. BELLgium!

Q. How do you make a skeleton laugh?
A. Tickle its funnybone!

Q. Why are rivers so rich?
A. Because they have 2 banks.

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get to the other side.

Q. Why did the elephant stay on the marshmallow?
A. Because she didn't want to fall in the hot cocoa.

Q. What runs but never walks?
A. Water.

Q. What comes twice in a week, never in a month and once in a year?
A. The letter E.

Q. Which building has the most stories?
A. Library!

Q. What did the fish say to the octopus while the octopus was eating?
A. Lend me a tentacle or 8.

Q. What food do you get when you cross Frosty with a polar bear?
A. A "brrr" - "grrr"!

Q. Why does Waldo wear stripes?
A. Because he doesn't want to be spotted!

Q. What Christmas carol is a favourite of parents?
A. Silent Night.

Q. What kind of TV do you find inside a haunted house?
A. A wide scream TV.

Knock-Knock Jokes

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Melody
Melody who?
Melody is her name!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Tee
Tee who?
Tee hee!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Ice Cream
Ice Cream who?
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you sick of these knock-knock jokes?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Twit
Twit who?
Did anyone else hear an owl?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you glad I like you.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Pencil
Pencil who?
Pencil fall down if you don't wear a belt.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Ken
Ken who?
Ken you walk the dog for me?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
I8D
I8D who?
I8D whole cake!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Granny
Granny who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Granny
Granny who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Granny
Granny who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Aunt
Aunt who?
Aunt you glad I got rid of all those grannies!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Amanda
Amanda who?
A man da fix your sink!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
You
You who?
I didn't know you were so happy to meet me!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Easter
Easter who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Interrupting pirate.
Interrup...
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Cows go
Cows go who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Peas
Peas who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Isabel
Isabel who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Zee
Zee who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Door
Door who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Termite
Termite who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Ramon
Ramon who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Sorry
Sorry who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Felix
Felix who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Santa
Santa who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Joe
Joe who?
The Easter Bunny!

Jokes

Larry watched fascinated as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that Mom?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter," asked Larry..."are you giving up?"
 

LaKesheauna: My dentist put his finger in a lion's mouth to see how many teeth it had.
Latangela: What did the lion do?
LaKesheauna: It closed its mouth to see how many fingers my dentist had.
 

There were two dummies standing by a lake. One was on one side, and the other one was on the other side. "How do I get to the other side?" asked the first dummy.
"You are on the other side!" said the second dummy.
 

Patty came up to a boy with a sheet over his head on Halloween and asked, "Are you a ghost?"
The boy replied, "No, of course not! I'm an unmade bed!"
 

I am lost. I've gone to look for myself. If I happen to return before I get back, then please ask me to wait.
 

Mary had a little lamb,
But the lamb started to tease her.
Mary said, "STOP!"
But the lamb refused
So now it's in the freezer.
 

Italy got Hungary, ate Turkey, slipped in Greece, broke China, went shopping in Iceland and got eaten by Whales.
 

One bright day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other.
Drew there swords and shot each other.
The deaf police man heard the noise
Came and shot the two dead boys.
If you don' believe this lie is true
ask the blind man he saw it too.
 

A skeleton went to the doctor. The doctor looked at the skeleton and said, "Aren't you a little late?"
 

Boy: God, what is a thousand years to you?
God: A second.
Boy: God, what is a thousand dollars to you?
God: A penny.
Boy: God, can I have a penny?
God: Sure, just a second.
 

Judge: Don't you have common sense? Why did you rob the shop again and again?
Thief: The board hanging on the shop says "Thank you, come again."
 

There was once a cookie saying, "I'm a cookie, I'm a cookie, I'm a cookie."
A lady came along and told him to be quiet. She poked him in the middle. Then the cookie looked at his stomach and said, "I'm a donut, I'm a donut, I'm a donut."
 

There were two sisters and they had $700 to spend on a bull. So one sister stayed home and looked after the farm while the other went to the auction. The sister brought the bull for $699 so she went to the post office and asked how much it was to send a telegram. It was $1 a word. So she told the man to send the word: Comfortable. (Come-for-the-bull.)
 

"Explain the theory of expansion and contraction," the teacher asked one of the pupils.
"A substance expands when it is heated and contracts when it is cooled."
"No wonder we have a long vacation in summer and a short one in winter," remarked another pupil.
 

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
"No, ma'am. They're dead."
 

See this finger here? Yesterday I whacked it with a hammer. I think I hit the wrong nail!
 

Boy: Daddy, I have a little pain in my stomach.
Dad: Because your stomach is empty. Go eat some food.
Boy: Really? Is that why mommy is always complaining about her headache? Is her head empty?
 

A teenager saw twins and said to her friend, "I really need to see the doctor! I am seeing double!"
 

Teacher: Have you completed the work at home?
Student: No, sir.
Teacher (angrily): Why?
Student: Because my father has hired servants to do the work at home.
 

Dentist: Stop making a face, I haven't even touched your teeth .
Tommy: I know, but you're stepping on my foot!
 

"I don't know how you sleep in this mess!" A mother exclaimed to her son when she went into his room.
"Easy mom," he replied, "I just close my eyes."
 

Student asking his teacher: Do you punish people for things they don't do?
Teacher: No.
Student: Good, because I haven't done my homework today.
 

There was a man and he was walking a lion on the side of the street when a policeman came and said, "Sir please don't walk your lion on the side of the street because its very dangerous. Why don't you take him to the zoo?!"
The man agreed with him and took his lion to the zoo.

The next day the policeman saw the man walking his lion again and told him the same thing but the man said, "I already took him to the zoo and he liked it a lot, now I'm going to take him to the movies."
 

Two girls are distracted by another girl singing terribly, so they said, "You should sing tenor. Ten or twelve miles away from here!"
 

58 Things to do in an Elevator

1. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
5. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
6. Ask, "Did you feel that?"
7. Swat at flies that don't exist.
8. Call out, "Group hug!", then enforce it.
9. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
10. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
11. Make race car noises when people get on and off.
12. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to the other passengers.
13. Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering "Shut up! All of you just shut up!"
14. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a small world" incessantly.
15. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
16. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
17. Shave.
18. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peeking inside ask "Got enough air in there?"
19. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
20. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
21. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
22. Lean over to another passenger and whisper "Enjoying the ride?"
23. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral".
24. Burp!
25. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
26. Do Tai Chi exercises.
27. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while and then announce: "I've got new socks on".
28. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh not now! stupid motion sickness!"
29. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
30. Meow occasionally.
31. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter into your nose.
32. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
33. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.
34. Holler "Chutes Away!" whenever the elevator descends.
35. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
36. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of them!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
37. Leave a box between the doors.
38. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
39. Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.
40. Start a sing-a-long.
41. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?"
42. Play the accordion.
43. Shadow box.
44. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
45. Lean against the button panel.
46. Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.
47. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
48. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".
49. Bring a chair along.
50. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
51. Blow spit bubbles.
52. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
53. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
54. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
55. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
56. Wear "X-ray Specs" and leer at other passengers.
57. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."
58. If anyone touches you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!"

 

Patient: Doctor! Doctor! I think I am losing my memory!
Doctor: When did that happen?
Patient: When did what happen!
 

A man is in the hospital and he can't talk. All of a sudden the man's wife comes in the room and stands in the corner. The man starts to act like something's wrong. So the doctor gives him a sheet of paper and pencil. The man writes something down and as soon as he finishes he folds the paper and dies. The doctor gets the note and gives it to the wife. She is curious she reads the note. It said, "You are standing on my oxygen cord."
 

Kid: I bet I can make you say Black. What's the color of the sky?
Kid's friend: Blue
Kid: Told you I could make you say blue.
Kid's friend: What? You said black.
Kid: Told you I could make you say black.

 

Boy: Did you know that in Colorado there are no carnivals?
Girl: No fair? No fair!
 

Once there was a scientist doing a test on a frog. He told the frog to jump, so it jumped. The scientist wrote in his notes, "4 legs-jumps."

Then the scientist cut off one of the frog's front legs and said, "Jump." The frog jumped. The scientist wrote in his notes, "3 legs-jumps."

Then the scientist cut off the frog's other front leg and said, "Jump," and the frog jumped. The scientist wrote in his notes, "2 legs-jumps."

Then the scientist cut off one of the frog's back legs and said, "Jump," and the frog jumped. So the scientist wrote in his notes, "1 leg jump."

Then the scientist cut off the last leg and said, "Jump," and the frog didn't move. So the scientist said it again, but it still didn't move, so in his notes the scientist wrote, "No legs-goes deaf."
 


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