Squigly Squigly's Jokes and Riddles

Jokes

We've got lots of funny jokes for you! These riddles, knock, knock jokes and jokes have been submitted by kids from all over the world. We know they will make you LOL! :D

Riddles

Q. Where did the baby ghost sit?
A. In a BOOster seat!

Q. Where does a baseball catcher eat his dinner?
A. Behind the plate!

Q. Why is 2+2=5 like your left foot?
A. It's not right.

Q. What did the spider do when he went on his computer?
A. He went on his web site!

Q. Why did the bee get married?
A. Because she found her honey.

Q. Where do baby ghosts go when their mom goes to work?
A. A scare centre!

Q. What is a buckaneer?
A. Expensive corn!

Q. What did the cow get for Christmas?
A. A COWculator.

Q. What did the Malteeser want to be when it grew up?
A. A Smartie.

Q. Why didn't the lifegaurd save the hippie?
A. Because he was too far out, man.

Q. How do you know when the moon has had enought to eat?
A. When it's full!

Q. Why do people by aggressive fruit?
A. So they can make fruit punch!

Q. Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A. To get to the other slide.

Q. What is a volcano?
A. A mountain with heartburn!

Q. What happens when you throw a purple rock into a yellow stream?
A. It makes a splash.

Q. What do witches call for in a hotel room?
A. Broom service.

Q. What is a cow's favourite movie?
A. Moo-lan.

Q. Why do elephants have wrinkles?
A. Ever tried to iron an elephant?

Q. What is the same size as a elephant, yet weighs nothing?
A. An elephant's shadow!

Q. What do you call it when a dinosaur crashes his car?
A. A Tyrannosaurus WRECK!

Q. What three animals have keys?
A. Donkeys, monkeys, and turkeys!

Q. What do you call a kangaroo that sneezes alot?
A. A kanga-choo.

Q. What kind of animals do clocks have?
A. Ticks.

Q. What is the only question you can never answer honestly with a yes?
A. "Are you asleep?"

Q. What do you call two witches that live together?
A. Broom mates.

Q. How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold?
A. He took a short cut!

Q. What do you call a frog that parks in a tow away zone?
A. A TOAD away zone.

Q. Why do cows wear bells?
A. Because their horns don't work!

Q. Why didn't the Joker cross the road?
A. Batman was on the other side.

Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.

Q. What has lots of teeth but can't chew a thing?
A. A comb!

Q. Why did the centipede go barefoot?
A. Because he couldn't afford so many shoes!

Q. What do you call a snail with no shell?
A. Homeless.

Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a parrot?
A. An animal that tells you everything it remembers!

Q. Why did Peter Pan always fly and never stop?
A. Because he could never never land.

Q. What did the witch have for snack?
A. A sandwich.

Q. Why did the orange lose the race?
A. Because it ran out of juice.

Q. Who in the solar system has the most loose change?
A. The moon, it keeps changing quarters.

Knock Knock Jokes continue below video…

Q. What do you call an overweight E.T.?
A. Extra Cholesterol!

Q. Did you hear the one about the fox with no ears?
A. He didn't either.

Q. What do a tree and an elephant have in common?
A. A trunk.

Q. How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?
A. Rock-it.

Q. Why did the Cyclops close his school?
A. Because he only had one pupil.

Q. What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?
A. Stuck!

Q. What type of queue do dolls like best?
A. A BBQ.

Q. What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
A. Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving!

Q. How do you throw a tent?
A. You pitch it!

Q. What animal never tells the truth?
A. A lion.

Q. What did the fish say to the octopus while the octopus was eating?
A. Lend me a tentacle or 8.

Q. What is Beethoven's favorite fruit?
A. Ban-ana-na!

Q. What did the shark say when he bumped into a whale?
A. "I didn't do it on porpoise!" (purpose)

Q. What kind of running means walking
A. Running out of gas.

Q. Why did the chickens cross the road?
A. They thought it was a egg-cellent idea!

Q. What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
A. Poultry in motion.

Q. What do you call a cow with a twitch?
A. Beef jerky.

Q. What happens if Peter Pan punches you?
A. You Neverland!

Q. Where does the rifle go?
A. To the Rifle Tower!

Q. Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners?
A. Rude-olph!

Q. Why is it dangerous to do math in the jungle?
A. Because when you add four and four you get ate (eight).

Q. Why did the orange wish he was wearing sunscreen?
A. He was starting to peel!

Q. What do ghosts like for dessert?
A. BOOberry pie!

Q. What do birds get when they are ill?
A. TWEETment.

Q. There is a black house, grey house, red house, yellow house, green house and brown house. What colour house does President Obama live in?
A. The White House!

Q. Where did the pencil go for vacation?
A. To Pennsylvania.

Q. What does Frankenstein's wife wear on her face to keep it smooth?
A. MONSTERizer!

Q. Why are duck doctors so expensive?
A. Because of their bills.

Q. What kind of underwear does Muhammad Ali wear?
A. Boxer shorts.

Q. Why did the student bring scissors to class?
A. He wanted to cut class!

Q. Why didn't the bunny hop?
A. No bunny knows.

Q. What did one burp say to the next?
A. Let's be stinkers and sneak out the back!

Q. Why do birds fly south in the winter?
A. Because it's too far to walk!

Q. What do cheerleaders drink?
A. Root beer.

Q. Why don't mummies take vacations?
A. They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.

Q. What do you call a chimp that likes to eat potato chips?
A. A chip-monk!

Q. What bird is always sad?
A. A blue-bird.

Knock-Knock Jokes

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Matthew
Matthew who?
Matthew lace has come undone!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Know one is there, you're alone.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Cheese
Cheese who?
Cheese a cute girl!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Ivan
Ivan who?
Ivan. You lose!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking for ages let me in.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Water
Water who?
Water you doing in my house!?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Tickle
Tickle who?
Tickle you.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo who?
Didn't mean to scare you!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Doorbell
Doorbell who?
Doorbell delivery!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Atch
Atch who?
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you had a cold.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Monkey
Monkey who?
Monkey see. Monkey do.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Silence
Silence who?
(Stay quiet)

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Hello
Hello who?
Hello Kitty!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Scold
Scold who?
Scold outside!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Granny
Granny who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Granny
Granny who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Granny
Granny who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Aunt
Aunt who?
Aunt you glad I got rid of all those grannies!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Yo mama
Yo mama who?
Seriously, it's your mama now let me in!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
It's me
It's me who?
It's me. Don't you remember?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Hans
Hans who?
Hans off my kitten!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Elmo
Elmo who?
You don't know who Elmo is?!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Abby
Abby who?
A bee just stung me!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Repeat
Repeat who?
Who, who, who...

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Ben and Jimmy
Ben and Jimmy who?
Ben down and Jimmy a kiss.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Easter Egg
Easter Egg who?
You crack me up!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange ya glad I'm here?!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Cows go
Cows go who?
No, cows go moo!

Jokes

Once there was an alien that came from space. He heard the words, "He stole my lollipop." Then he went to the utensils store and heard, "Forks and knives." Then he went to the electricity store and heard, "Plug it in, plug it in."

When he went back to his spaceship he noticed the police were there. They asked him what was wrong and he said, "He stole my lollipop."
"What did you do to him?" They asked.
"Forks and knives," replied the alien.
"If you resist arrest we will have to tazer you?"
"Plug it in, plug it in!"
 

Patient: Doctor! Doctor! I think I am losing my memory!
Doctor: When did that happen?
Patient: When did what happen!
 

A guy named Billie Bob Joe goes to a costume dress party with a girl on his back.

Harold, answering the door: What are you supposed to be?
Billie Bob Joe: A turtle.
Harold: What do you mean?
Billie Bob Joe: The girl on my back is Michelle.
 

Did you know the most fattening food in the world is peanuts? Well have you ever seen a skinny elephant?
 

A newspaper reporter submitted a story about the theft of 2,025 pigs.
His editor, struck at the size of the theft, called the farmer to confirm.
"Is it true that you lost two thousand twenty-five pigs?" he asked.
"Yeth," said the farmer.
The editor thanked him, hung up, and changed the phrase to "two sows and 25 pigs."
 

Once an old man and woman went to a restaurant and ordered two sandwiches. The waiter brought the sandwiches and the old man started to eat but the women was only staring at the food. The waiter noticed this and went to see what the problem was. The old woman said nothing and just stared at him but the old man interrupted and said, "The sandwich is delicious, but she can't eat because I am using her teeth."
 

Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Winnie: Me!
 

A boy said, "Mommy, my feet hurt!"
His mother said, "That's because your shoes are on the wrong feet."
"But these are the only feet I have," replied the boy.
 

I am lost. I've gone to look for myself. If I happen to return before I get back, then please ask me to wait.
 

Three men were captured by cannibals. The cannibals got hungry so they took a man out of his cage and asked him, "You have two choices to die. You can shoot yourself or we can boil you in a soup and use your skin for our canoe."
The man said, " I will shoot myself."

Three months later the cannibals got hungry again. They took out the second man and said, "You have two choices to die. You can shoot yourself or we can boil you in a soup and use your skin for our canoe." The man said, " I will shoot myself."

Three months later the cannibals got hungry again. They took out the last guy and said, "You don't have a choice we are going to boil you in our soup and use your skin for our canoe. Do you have any last requests?"
The man said, "Can I have a fork?" They got him a fork and he started poking his arm while saying, "Just try to make a canoe now!"

 

Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Class: Maria.
 

A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"
 

A teenager saw twins and said to her friend, "I really need to see the doctor! I am seeing double!"
 

Kermit the Frog walks into a loan place and goes up to a lady working there. He notices her name tag says Patti Wak. Kermit asks if he can take out a loan and she says, "I am going to have to see an IOU." Kermit takes out a piggy bank from his pocket and says here it is. Patti Wak asks what it is and he tells her it's his IOU. Young man I am going to have to call your parents, "What's their number?"
"555-8937."
"Hello who is this?"
"This is Mick Jagger."
Patti Wak talks to Mick Jagger then talks to her manager. The manager says, "Nik Nak Patti Wak give this frog a loan his old man is a Rolling Stone."
 

A man told his friend, "I have two daughters. Both are girls."
 

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
 

Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
John: You told me to do it without using tables.
 

Student: Teacher, Teacher!
Teacher: Yes?
Student: Can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: After you recite the alphabet.
Student: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z!
Teacher: Where did the P go?
Student: It's running down my leg!
 

Teacher: Who is smart? Put up your hand.
Then all the students except Ken raise their hand.
Teacher: Ken, why aren't you raising your hand?
Ken: Because if I raise my hand than you'll be all alone.
 

A man walked into a pub and bought a sandwich, then a panda walked into the pub and stole the sandwich, ate it, shoots the barman and leaves. So the man goes out and says to the panda, "Why did you eat my sandwich, shoot the barman and then just leave?"
The panda says, "Look panda up in the dictionary."
So he looked Panda up and read: Eats shoots and leaves.
 

Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!
 

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
 

Girl: What did one ocean say to the other?
Boy: What?
Girl: Nothing, they just waved!
Boy: Oh.
Girl: Do you SEA what I did there?
Boy: Um no?
Girl: I'm SHORE you did!
 

There were 3 people and they were all bragging about their country. The first person says, "We were the first in space!"
And the second responds, "Well, we were first on the moon! Beat that!"
So the third person says, "Well, that's nothing. Me and my crew are going to the sun!"
"How are you gonna do that?" said the other two.
"Well duh! We are gonna go at night!"
 

One day a little boy made his mom a cup of coffee. It wasn't the best tasting coffee but she drank it to be nice. When the cup was all gone the mom saw the boys toy soldiers in the bottom of the cup. So the mom asked why they were there. The boy simply replied, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."
 

A man said to his doctor, "I can't stop telling lies."
The doctor replied, "I don't believe you!"
 

Now I lay my head to rest
A pile of books upon my chest
If I shall die before I wake
That's one less test I have to take.
 

Art teacher: Mimi, I told the class to draw a horse and cart, but you have only drawn a horse!
Mimi: Yes sir, the horse will draw the cart!
 

There were three girls going for a hike in the desert. The first girl said, "I'll bring water in case we get thirsty."
The second said, "I'll bring food in case we get hungry."
The last said, "I'll bring the car door, so if we get hot we can roll the window down!"
 

One day a lady entered a pet shop.
Lady: May I have a rabbit for my daughter?
Storekeeper: Sorry Ma'am, we don't do trades.
 


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