Squigly Squigly's Jokes and Riddles

Jokes

We've got lots of funny jokes for you! These riddles, knock, knock jokes and jokes have been submitted by kids from all over the world. We know they will make you LOL! :D

Riddles

Q. What comes twice in a week, never in a month and once in a year?
A. The letter E.

Q. Why do fish live in salt water?
A. Because pepper water would make them sneeze!

Q. There is a black house, grey house, red house, yellow house, green house and brown house. What colour house does President Obama live in?
A. The White House!

Q. Why does a giraffe eat so little?
A. Because they can make a little go a long way.

Q. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A. Because he had no guts.

Q. What's white and red and goes up and down and up and down?
A. Santa Claus in an elevator!

Q. What do babies and basketball players have in common?
A. They dribble.

Q. Have you heard the joke about the pizza?
A. Never mind, it's too cheesy!

Q. What do dogs and trees have in common?
A. Bark.

Q. Why did the children eat their homework?
A. Because their teacher said it was a piece of cake.

Q. Why did the boy bury his flashlight?
A. Because the batteries were dead.

Q. What 2 animals have the same last name?
A. The donKEY and the monKEY.

Q. How do you know a snowman crawled into bed with you?
A. You wake up wet and there's a carrot on your pillow!

Q. What can you put in a freezer that's hot and will always come out hot?
A. Hot sauce.

Q. What's the biggest type of moth?
A. A mammoth.

Q. What is black and white and red all over?
A. An injured penguin.

Q. Why did the bread cross the road?
A. To BUTTER the other side!

Q. What do you call a rabbit with the sniffles?
A. A runny bunny.

Q. What are the strongest animals in the ocean?
A. Mussels!

Q. What do you use to fix a torn daisy?
A. A flower patch.

Q. What did the Ghost Busters have on their hands?
A. Ghost blisters.

Q. What book can you look in to find words that are not true?
A. The fiction-ary!

Q. How many animals of each species did Moses take aboard the ark with him?
A. None, it was Noah's ark.

Q. What letter is a European bird?
A. J.

Q. What do you call a potato that was crushed?
A. Squash.

Q. What type of house weighs the least?
A. A lighthouse.

Q. What always runs, never walks, often murmurs, never talks, has a bed but doesn't sleep, has a mouth but never eats?
A. A river!

Q. What animal is good with tools?
A. Hammer-head shark!

Q. What do polar bears like to snack on?
A. Eskimo thighs.

Q. How do you make a goldfish age?
A. Take away the g in goldfish.

Q. What do you call a banana that gets all the girls?
A. A banana smoothie!

Q. How do snowmen greet each other?
A. They say, "Have an ICE day!"

Q. What kind of music do bunnies like?
A. Hip Hop.

Q. Why did Goofy take a ladder to school?
A. Because he wanted to get to high school.

Q. What did the judge say when the skunk got off the stage?
A. "You stink!"

Q. What do you call ghosts that ring doorbells?
A. Dead ringers.

Q. If you say it you break it. What is it?
A. Silence.

Q. Why do elephants have wrinkles?
A. Ever tried to iron an elephant?

Knock Knock Jokes continue below video…

Q. What do dogs have that other animal don't have?
A. Puppies.

Q. Why don't skeletons fight?
A. Because they don't have the guts!

Q. What are the strongest days of the week?
A. Saturday and Sunday because all the rest are WEAK days!

Q. Why did the kid put his head into the piano?
A. He wanted to play by ear.

Q. Why don't ducks tell jokes when they are flying?
A. Because they just might quack up.

Q. What tools do you need for math?
A. MultiPLIERS.

Q. Did you hear the joke about the egg that rolled in front of a truck?
A. Most people find they crack up!

Q. What sickness can fly?
A. The flu!

Q. What two candies are the smartest?
A. Smarties and Nerds.

Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A. Snowflakes!

Q. What kind of music do stars listen to?
A. The starry blues.

Q. Why did the Advil go to jail?
A. Because it was a pain killer.

Q. What did the frog order at the burger place?
A. French flies and a diet croak.

Q. Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
A. Because they put on the salsa.

Q. How do phantoms travel?
A. Ghost to ghost.

Q. Why are skeletons afraid of dogs?
A. Because dogs love bones!

Q. What has eighteen legs and catches flies?
A. A baseball team.

Q. How do you know if a vampire has a sore throat?
A. You can hear him coughin'.

Q. What do you get when you cross a ball and a cat?
A. A fur ball.

Q. What did the bully have for lunch?
A. He had a knuckle sandwich!

Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?
A. CELL phones.

Q. What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A. A gummy bear.

Q. What has ears but can't hear?
A. A corn field!

Q. What insect is an arithmetic insect?
A. A mosquito! They add to misery, subtract from pleasure, divide the attention and multiply quickly!

Q. What goes up and down but never moves?
A. The stairs!

Q. There is a horse tied to a rope five yards long. Ten yards away there is hay. The horse is eating the hay, how did he get there?
A. The rope isn't tied to anything.

Q. What happened to the wind?
A. It blew away!

Q. Why didn't Noah do much fishing on the ark?
A. He only had two worms!

Q. How do you keep a chicken in suspense?
A. I'll tell you later.

Q. Where will you always find gold?
A. In the dictionary.

Q. What is a popular search engine for ghosts?
A. GHOULgle!

Q. What did Batman say to Robin before he got into the car?
A. "Robin get in the car!"

Q. What colour is a burp?
A. BURPle!

Q. How do pachyderms hear?
A. It doesn't matter - it's ear elephant (irrelevant).

Q. If chickens get up when the rooster crows, when do ducks get up?
A. At the quack of dawn!

Q. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
A. A buccaneer (A buck an ear)

Q. A cowboy rode into town on Friday, stayed for 3 days and left on Friday. How did he do it?
A. His horse's name was Friday.

Knock-Knock Jokes

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Purr
Purr who?
Purr-fect kitty!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Raichu
Raichu who?
Raichu are!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you sick of these knock-knock jokes?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Gorilla
Gorilla who?
Gorilla me a hamburger!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Felix
Felix who?
Felix my lolly, I'll whack him.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Tee
Tee who?
Tee hee!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Cash
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer peanuts!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Amish
Amish who?
Awe, I miss you too.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Ramon
Ramon who?
Ramon noodle soup.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Alaska
Alaska who?
Alaska another question now...
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Ohio
Ohio who?
Oh, how are you doing?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Leaf
Leaf who?
Leaf me alone.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Maida
Maida who?
Maida force be with you!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Rubber
Rubber who?
Rubber ducky!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Pencil
Pencil who?
Pencil fall down if you don't wear a belt.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
A tish
A tish who?
Bless you.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Dash
Dash who?
Daschund!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Yo
Yo who?
Yo mama!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Ketchup
Ketchup who?
Ketchup and I'll tell you!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Happy
Happy who?
Happy Thanksgiving!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow use. I forgot my name again!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Dwain
Dwain who?
Dwain the bathtub, I'm drowning.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Answer and the door and you'll find out!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Double
Double who?
W!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Hutch
Hutch who?
Bless you!

Jokes

A teacher says to a student, "I thought I told you to go to the back of the line?"
The student says, "I did, but someone was there!"
 

A mushroom walks into a bar and the waiter says, "You look like a fungi!"
 

A man walked into a pub and bought a sandwich, then a panda walked into the pub and stole the sandwich, ate it, shoots the barman and leaves. So the man goes out and says to the panda, "Why did you eat my sandwich, shoot the barman and then just leave?"
The panda says, "Look panda up in the dictionary."
So he looked Panda up and read: Eats shoots and leaves.
 

Monster: It is a very hot day today!
Witch: So, can I make you a lemonade?
Monster: Yes!
Witch: Poof! You're lemonade!
 

Milkman: Are you sure you want 50 quarts of milk?
Woman: Yes, my doctor told me to take a bath of milk.
Milkman: Would you like it pasteurized?
Woman: No, just up to my neck please.
 

Why is it called "rush hour" when nobody moves?
 

A small boy is asked to find out what the first 4 letters of the alphabet are for his homework.
"Mum, what's the first letter of the alphabet?"
"Shut up and go away," she replied.
The boy went to his dad. "Dad, what's the second letter of the alphabet?"
"YYYYEEEAAAHHH!!!" The boy's dad roared; football was on the TV and his team had scored.
"Brother, what is the third letter of the alphabet?" The boy asked his brother, who was playing with his action men.
"Action Man, the greatest hero of them all!" He cried.
"Sister, what is the fourth letter of the alphabet?" The boy's sister was playing with her Barbie dolls.
"Drive away in the Barbie car, beep, beep!" The boy's sister sang.

The next day in school the teacher asked the boy what the first letter was.
"Shut up and go away!" He replied.
"Do you want to see the head teacher?" Teacher yells.
"YEAH!!"
The boy is sent to the head teacher.
"Who do you think you are?" The headmaster shouts in his face.
"Action Man, the greatest hero of them all!"
"How do you think you're going to get away with this?"
"Drive away in the Barbie car, beep, beep!"
 

Teacher: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Simon: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
 

Larry watched fascinated as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that Mom?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter," asked Larry..."are you giving up?"
 

Three men were captured by cannibals. The cannibals got hungry so they took a man out of his cage and asked him, "You have two choices to die. You can shoot yourself or we can boil you in a soup and use your skin for our canoe."
The man said, " I will shoot myself."

Three months later the cannibals got hungry again. They took out the second man and said, "You have two choices to die. You can shoot yourself or we can boil you in a soup and use your skin for our canoe." The man said, " I will shoot myself."

Three months later the cannibals got hungry again. They took out the last guy and said, "You don't have a choice we are going to boil you in our soup and use your skin for our canoe. Do you have any last requests?"
The man said, "Can I have a fork?" They got him a fork and he started poking his arm while saying, "Just try to make a canoe now!"

 

A man walked into a bar. Ouch!
 

A boy said, "Mommy, my feet hurt!"
His mother said, "That's because your shoes are on the wrong feet."
"But these are the only feet I have," replied the boy.
 

Italy got Hungary, ate Turkey, slipped in Greece, broke China, went shopping in Iceland and got eaten by Whales.
 

The real estate agent says, "I have a good, cheap apartment for you."
The man replies, "By the week or by the month?"
The agent answers, "By the garbage dump."
 

A snail purchased a new sports car. He told the salesperson that he wanted the letter "S" painted on both sides of the car. The salesman asked what is the "S" for? Snail? The Snail answered, "No, when I drive by I want people to say "Wow, look at that 'S' car go!" (escargo)
 

A man once said he bet I couldn't name a landmark in Egypt. I replied, "You Sphinx?"
 

Whenever I want to start eating healthy a chocolate bar looks at me and snickers.
 

Robert: Did you hear about the goblin that lost his left leg and his left arm?
Alan: No, is he ok?
Robert: Yes. He's all right now!
 

2 fish went down an alley, one go battered!
 

Patient: Doctor, I think that I've been bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.
 

Teacher: What is the purpose of having school?
Student: Without school, there wouldn't be a reason for holidays and summer vacation.
 

Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with I.
Millie: I is...
Teacher: No, Millie. Always say I am.
Millie: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
 

Patient: Doctor, Doctor. I keep seeing in to the future.
Doctor: When did this start?
Patient: Next Tuesday.
 

When Dad came home he was astonished to see Alec sitting on a horse writing something. "What on earth are you doing up there?" Dad asked.
"Well the teacher told us to write an essay on our favourite animal. That's why I'm up here and sitting on the goldfish bowl!"
 

Two girls are distracted by another girl singing terribly, so they said, "You should sing tenor. Ten or twelve miles away from here!"
 

Sam's mom had four kids, Enie, Menie, Miney, and Sam. One day Sam asked his mom, "Why didn't you name me Moe?"
To which she replied, "'Cause I didn't want no Moe."
 

"Teacher, Teacher I need to pee!"
"Let me hear your ABC's."
"Okay, A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y and Z."
"Good job, except where is the P?"
"Halfway down my leg!"
 

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, will this ointment clear up my spots?
Doctor: I never make rash promises.
 

Teacher: Give me a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it.
Student: If I had a sweater with ten buttons and two fell off, then I would only have to fascinate (fasten eight)!
 

A skeleton walks in to a bar. He goes to the bartender and says, "I'm going to need a beer and a mop."
 


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