Squigly Squigly's Jokes and Riddles

Jokes

We've got lots of funny jokes for you! These riddles, knock, knock jokes and jokes have been submitted by kids from all over the world. We know they will make you LOL! :D

Riddles

Q. What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
A. Plymouth Rock!

Q. What do monsters order in fast food restaurants?
A. French FRIGHTS!

Q. Where does a 600 pound gorilla sit?
A. Anywhere he wants!

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. Because her boyfriend was on the other side.

Q. What do you get when you mix a German Shepard and a giraffe?
A. A watch dog for the fifteenth floor!

Q. Which mountain has never been climbed?
A. Mountain Dew!

Q. Why did the dog get a pedicure?
A. Because his feet were RUFF!

Q. What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
A. Bacon and legs!

Q. There are 20 birds in a tree. A man comes and shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left?
A. None, because all the birds flew away after hearing the gun shot.

Q. What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants?
A. "Look, a herd of elephants!"

Q. What did the calculator say to the other calculator?
A. "You can count on me!"

Q. Why did the tennis player need new teeth?
A. Because he lost the first set.

Q. What do dogs and trees have in common?
A. Bark.

Q. If you say it you break it. What is it?
A. Silence.

Q. There's this guy and he's jogging. Well, he turns left, jogs some, turns left, jogs some, and turns left again. When he gets home there are 2 masked men waiting. Who are the masked men?
A. The Umpire and the Back Catcher!

Q. One day I was in my car and crashed into a pole. I died sadly. But when I got up to heaven I could see grandma standing with Adam and Eve. The question is how did I know it was Adam and Eve?
A. Because they had no belly-buttons!

Q. What is the only question you can never answer honestly with a yes?
A. "Are you asleep?"

Q. How can a rose ride a bike?
A. It uses its petals!

Q. How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been?
A. Eggs mark the spot!

Q. Why was the crab arrested?
A. For pinching!

Q. If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
A. Their age!

Q. Paul is six feet tall. He is an assistant in a butcher shop. He wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh?
A. Meat.

Q. What do you get when you cross an octagon with a cat?
A. An octopus.

Q. Why is arithmetic hard work?
A. All those numerals you have to carry.

Q. How do you know when Santa's in the room?
A. You can sense his presents.

Q. Why did the elephant paint his fingernails red?
A. So he could hide in a bowl of cherries.

Q. How do you stop an alligator wriggling in the back of your car?
A. Move it to the front!

Q. What has a lot of keys but can't open doors?
A. A piano.

Q. What do you get when you cross a hammock and a dog?
A. A rocker spaniel.

Q. What kind of stories do rabbits like best?
A. Ones with hoppy endings.

Q. What becomes smaller when you turn it upside down?
A. The number nine.

Q. What do wrestler's drinks come in?
A. Six packs!

Q. How did the teacher knit a suit of armor?
A. She used steel wool!

Q. What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A. Doyouthinkhesarus?

Q. There are 2 cats, one is French and the other English. The French cat's name was Un Deux Trois and the English cat's name was One Two Three. Both cats think they're better than the other. To determine this they have a swimming contest. Which cat wins and why?
A. The English cat, because Un Deux Trois Quatre Cinq! (Un Deux Trois cat sank)

Q. What letter is looking for causes?
A. Y.

Q. What did the joey say to the turtle?
A. "I can take my home with me too."

Q. Where does a bunny go if you give it a pair of socks?
A. A sock hop.

Knock Knock Jokes continue below video…

Q. What did the elephant say to his girlfriend on Valentine's Day?
A. "I love you a ton."

Q. Why did the pencil cross the road first?
A. He was the LEADer!

Q. Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State building?
A. Yes. A building can't jump.

Q. Where does a penguin go to visit his aunt?
A. ANT-arctica!

Q. How does a bee get to school?
A. On a bzz!

Q. If you're Scottish when you go into the bathroom and you're Scottish when you go out of the bathroom, what are you when you're in the toilet?
A. European (you are peeing).

Q. When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
A. In the dictionary.

Q. Why did the apple cuddle the orange?
A. Juice because he wanted a squeeze!

Q. What is the British Secret Service's best yellow-haired spy?
A. James Blonde!

Q. What do you call Santa when he goes down a chimney with a fire at the bottom?
A. Krisp Cringle.

Q. You have a candle, a stove, and a fireplace and a match. Which one would you light first?
A. The match!

Q. If H20 is inside of the fire hydrant, what's on the outside?
A. K9P.

Q. What nationality is Santa Claus?
A. North Polish.

Q. What do you get when you cross a vampire with a mummy?
A. Either a flying bandage or a gift wrapped bat!

Q. What Christmas carol is a favourite of parents?
A. Silent Night.

Q. How do you make a witch itch?
A. Take away her W.

Q. What do you call a snail on a ship?
A. A snailor.

Q. Why was the Egyptian confused?
A. Because someone told him his daddy was a mummy!

Q. Mary and John were sitting in the family room one night. John was watching TV and Mary was reading a book. All of a sudden the power went out, so John decided to go to bed, but Mary kept on reading without any artificial light. How is this possible?
A. Mary was blind and was reading braile!

Q. What can you find in the middle of a tornado?
A. The letter N.

Q. Why couldn't the astronaut land on the moon?
A. Because it was full.

Q. Why couldn't the shipmates play cards?
A. The captain was sitting on the deck!

Q. Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
A. Yes, they're very scent-imental!

Q. What do you call a person who operates an armored car?
A. A safe driver.

Q. What kind of dog can jump higher than a skyscraper?
A. Any dog, skyscrapers can't jump.

Q. If a very small fish married a young dog, what would their baby be called?
A. A guppy puppy.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. No idea. (No eye deer)

Q. How did the cow get through the crowd?
A. He shouted MOOve!

Q. Which restaurants are good at math?
A. Take-aways!

Q. The peak on my house is going east and west and slopes North and South. A rooster is on the peak and lays an egg, which way did the egg roll?
A. Roosters don't lay eggs

Q. Why don't ducks get letters?
A. Because they already have bills!

Q. Who won the zombie war?
A. Nobody, it was dead even.

Q. What did the skeleton order with his drink?
A. A mop.

Q. If a man was born in Spain, raised in Russia, grew old in Greece and died in America, what is he?
A. Dead.

Q. What do you call a dead person in the closet?
A. The 1966 hide-and-go-seek champion.

Q. What holds the moon up?
A. Moon beams!

Q. Take me out of the box, scratch my head, I am now black but once was red. What am I?
A. A match!

Knock-Knock Jokes

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Nana
Nana who?
Nana your business!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
I8D
I8D who?
I8D whole cake!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Claire
Claire who?
Claire out the room!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Atch
Atch who?
Hold on, I have to sneeze!

(Sing) Stay on the sunny side, always on the sunny side, stay on the sunny side of life, of life. May it cause you no pain, may it drive you insane, stay on the sunny side of life, of life.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Easter
Easter who?
Easter bunny.
(Sing song)
Knock knock
Who's there?
More
More who?
More Easter bunnies.
(Sing song)
Knock knock
Who's there?
Even more
Even more who?
Even more Easter bunnies.
(Sing song)
Knock knock
Who's there?
Car
Car who?
Car come and run over the Easter bunnies.
(Sing song)
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Some bunny
Some bunny who?
Some bunny has been eating my Easter candy!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
You Know
You Know who?
Exactly. Avada Kedavra, Muggle!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Water
Water who?
Water you doing?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Answer and the door and you'll find out!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Sandy
Sandy who?
Sandy Claus!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
The ghost and the invisible man
The ghost and the invisible man who?
Long time no see!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Scot
Scot who?
Scot nothing to do with you!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Ya
Ya who?
I didn't know you were a cowboy!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Puss
Puss who?
Puss-ibly the best cat ever!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
A tish
A tish who?
Bless you.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Wiener.
Wiener. who?
Wiener you going to get here?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Lettuce
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Ivana
Ivana who?
Ivana suck your blood.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Easter
Easter who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Repeat
Repeat who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
You
You who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Raoul
Raoul who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Purr
Purr who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Luvs
Luvs who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Mary and Abbey
Mary and Abbey who?
The Easter Bunny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Tank
Tank who?
The Easter Bunny!

Jokes

A teacher says to a student, "I thought I told you to go to the back of the line?"
The student says, "I did, but someone was there!"
 

A man told his friend, "I have two daughters. Both are girls."
 

Lady: Doctor! Doctor! I only have one minute to live.
Doctor: Okay! Just a minute!
 

The difference between a boxer and a man with a cold is that... One knows his blows and another blows his nose!
 

You are in a closed iron box. It is ten feet tall and you are three inches tall. All you have is a bat and ball. How do you get out?
You try to hit the ball once. You miss. Strike 1.
You try to hit the ball again. You miss. Strike 2.
You try to hit the ball again. You miss. Strike 3.
You are out!
 

Guy 1: What's a pirate's favorite letter?
Guy 2: R! (Argh!)
Guy 1: You may think it's the R but it's actually the C! (sea)
 

Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
John: You told me to do it without using tables.
 

If Barbie's so popular then why do you have to buy her a boyfriend?
 

A skeleton went to the doctor. The doctor looked at the skeleton and said, "Aren't you a little late?"
 

There was a really dumb girl and she failed a test. Her teacher wanted her to come in after school and make it up. On the note home to her parents the teacher wrote: Make up test.
The following day the girl brought lipstick and eye shadow to school.
 

An elephant asked an ant, "Please hide me." So the ant replied, "Hide behind me."
 

Teacher: Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?
Nick: What do you think it is, Sir?
Teacher: I don't think, I KNOW!
Nick: I don't think I know either, Sir!
 

"Teacher, Teacher I need to pee!"
"Let me hear your ABC's."
"Okay, A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y and Z."
"Good job, except where is the P?"
"Halfway down my leg!"
 

The pillow asks the teddy bear, "Do you want an ice cream sundae?" The bear says, "No thanks, I'm stuffed!"
 

A man is in the hospital and he can't talk. All of a sudden the man's wife comes in the room and stands in the corner. The man starts to act like something's wrong. So the doctor gives him a sheet of paper and pencil. The man writes something down and as soon as he finishes he folds the paper and dies. The doctor gets the note and gives it to the wife. She is curious she reads the note. It said, "You are standing on my oxygen cord."
 

A woman walks into a bar and sits down next to a guy near a dog. The woman asks, "Does your dog bite?"
The guy replied,"No."
The woman reached down to pet the dog and it bit her. "I thought you said he didn't bite," she yelled.
"That's not my dog," he yelled!
 

Basketball coach: Bob I think you grew a foot over the summer!
Basketball player: No coach, honest I only got two!
 

A teenager saw twins and said to her friend, "I really need to see the doctor! I am seeing double!"
 

My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
 

There were two cows standing in a field talking to each other. They were talking about Mr. Brown's cows having Mad Cow Disease, when one of the cows said, "It's a good thing we're chickens."
 

Boss: Where were you born?
Sardarji: India.
Boss: Which part?
Sardarji: What do you mean which part? My whole body was born in India!
 

Dentist: Stop making a face, I haven't even touched your teeth .
Tommy: I know, but you're stepping on my foot!
 

I am lost. I've gone to look for myself. If I happen to return before I get back, then please ask me to wait.
 

Student: The brain is a wonderful thing.
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Student: Because it starts working the second you get up in the morning and never stops until you get asked a question in class!
 

Principal: Well, Ronald, I hear you missed the first day back to school.
Ronald: Yeah, but I didn't miss it very much.
 

Mom: Why aren't you doing well in history?
Child: Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!
 

When Dad came home he was astonished to see Alec sitting on a horse writing something. "What on earth are you doing up there?" Dad asked.
"Well the teacher told us to write an essay on our favourite animal. That's why I'm up here and sitting on the goldfish bowl!"
 

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
 

Man: Give me some shampoo.
Shopkeeper: Here you are.
Man: What is free in this?
Shopkeeper: Nothing.
Man: Do not tell lies, sir. This is dandruff free.
 

A cat died in a house. The servant started crying badly.
Master: It is only a cat that has died, why are you crying so much?
Servant: Master, when the cat was there I used to drink the milk and put the blame on it. Now on whom will I put the blame?
 


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