Squigly Squigly's Jokes and Riddles

Jokes

We've got lots of funny jokes for you! These riddles, knock, knock jokes and jokes have been submitted by kids from all over the world. We know they will make you LOL! :D

Riddles

Q. Why did the cow cross the road?
A. To get to the MOOvies.

Q. Where does a penguin go to visit his aunt?
A. ANT-arctica!

Q. Where do you weigh whales?
A. At the whale-weigh station.

Q. What do you call a kangaroo that sneezes alot?
A. A kanga-choo.

Q. What kind of musical instrument do rats play?
A. Mouse organs.

Q. What do you do when your fish is off?
A. You tune it up!

Q. What happened to the Easter egg when it heard a funny joke?
A. It cracked up!

Q. Why did the rooster cross the road?
A. The chicken was sick.

Q. How do you make a bandstand?
A. You take away their chairs!

Q. What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked in the sky?
A. "Looks like rain, dear."

Q. Why did the elephant cross the road?
A. Because the chicken retired!

Q. What did the broken clock say?
A. "Will someone give me hand?"

Q. What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween?
A. Ghoul-aid!

Q. Mary's mum had three children. One was called April, the second was May. What was the name of the last one?
A. Mary!

Q. Why was the calculator sad?
A. Because it had too many problems to solve!

Q. What did the scientist say to the hydrogen atom that claimed it lost an electron?
A. "Are you positive?"

Q. What place has the most cows?
A. Moo York. (New York)

Q. Why did the nose feel sad?
A. Because he always got picked on!

Q. Why did the candy cane cross the road?
A. Because it wanted to get a licking!

Q. What kind of music do bunnies like?
A. Hip Hop.

Q. I have two coins in my pocket and they equal 15 cents. One of them is not a nickel. What are the coins in my pocket?
A. A nickel and a dime, I said only one of them is not a nickel.

Q. What do you get when you cross a ghost, a dog and a rooster?
A. A cockatoo!

Q. What happened when the computer geeks met?
A. It was love at first site!

Q. What word of only three syllables contains 26 letters?
A. Alphabet.

Q. What did one leaf say to the other?
A. "See you next fall!!"

Q. What is a mummy's favorite kind of music?
A. Rap!

Q. What jumps higher than a building?
A. Everything, buildings don't jump.

Q. Did you hear about the man who plugged his electric blanket into the toaster?
A. He kept popping out of bed all night!

Q. What do vampires never order at a cafe?
A. A STAKE sandwich!

Q. What is black and white and when you kick it it flies?
A. A soccer ball!

Q. Why did the elephant cross the road?
A. The chicken couldn't be bothered!

Q. What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A. An investiGATOR!

Q. How do you wrap a cloud?
A. With a rainbow.

Q. What do you get if you cross a bee and a bunny?
A. A honey bunny!

Q. Where does the word done come before start?
A. In the dictionary!

Q. Why doesn't the sun go to college?
A. Because it has a million degrees!

Q. How many letters are in envelope?
A. One.

Q. What has a face and two hands but no arms or legs?
A. A clock.

Knock Knock Jokes continue below video…

Q. What did the judge say when the skunk entered the court?
A. "Odor in the court!"

Q. What do you get when you cross a bird, a car, and a dog?
A. A flying carpet.

Q. Why did the duck cross the road?
A. Because it was the chicken's day off!

Q. What has to be broken before you can use it?
A. An egg.

Q. What is the capital of Greece?
A. G.

Q. What becomes smaller when you turn it upside down?
A. The number nine.

Q. What can't you eat at dinner?
A. Breakfast and lunch!

Q. Why did the cow go to Hollywood?
A. She wanted to be a movie star.

Q. What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
A. Any old girl he can dig up.

Q. What cat likes living in water?
A. An octoPUSS!

Q. What did the tie say to the hat?
A. "You go on a head and I'll hang around here."

Q. How do rabbits travel?
A. By hare planes!

Q. What gets broken without being held?
A. A promise.

Q. What was the name of the fastest dinosaur?
A. The PRONTOsaurus!

Q. Which country is the slipperiest?
A. Greece!

Q. Who isn't hungry at Thanksgiving?
A. The turkey, he's already stuffed!

Q. What do you call an animal who tries to be a pop star?
A. Justin BEAVER!

Q. What did one NASCAR driver say to the other?
A. "Do you want to crash at my place tonight?"

Q. Why did the turkey cross the road?
A. To prove that he wasn't chicken!

Q. What kind of tea is hard to swallow?
A. Reality.

Q. How did the sheep get red cheeks?
A. It was MAAHD!

Q. What do you get when you cross a hammock and a dog?
A. A rocker spaniel.

Q. What letter is looking for causes?
A. Y.

Q. Why did the bacon laugh?
A. Because the egg cracked a yoke.

Q. What's an angry bull's favourite drink?
A. Red Bull.

Q. What call for help, when written in capital letters, is the same forwards, backwards and upside down?
A. SOS.

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. Because he was tired of living beside KFC!

Q. There is a one story house and everything in it is blue. The walls are blue, the ceiling is blue and the floor is blue. What color are the stairs?
A. There are no stairs in a one story house!

Q. Why did the cat sit on the computer?
A. To keep an eye on the mouse.

Q. Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?
A. Because her students were bright!

Q. What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A. A gummy bear.

Q. Why do Monarch's fly to Mexico?
A. Because it's too far to walk!

Q. What has a thousand legs, a long neck but no head?
A. A broom.

Q. Why did Jimmy's grades drop after the holidays?
A. Because everything was marked down!

Q. What's big, grey and has red spots?
A. An elephant with chicken pox!

Q. Why did the children eat their homework?
A. Because their teacher said it was a piece of cake.

Q. What do you get when you cross a dog and a rose?
A. A collie-flower!

Knock-Knock Jokes

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Icy
Icy who?
Icy you!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Love
Love who?
Don't you love me?!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Sandy
Sandy who?
Sandy Claus!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Ivan
Ivan who?
Ivan. You lose!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Clara
Clara who?
Clara space on the table!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Dasum
Dasum who?
Dasum cute dog!

Knock, knock
Who's there?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Nun
Nun who?
Nun of your business!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Door
Door who?
Do your chores.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Shocking
Shocking who?
Shocking you!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Doris
Doris who?
Doris locked, that's why I'm knocking.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Ken
Ken who?
Ken you walk the dog for me?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Raoul
Raoul who?
Raoul with the punches!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Cows go
Cows go who?
No, cows go moo!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
A parrot
A parrot who?
A parrot who?
Okay, now I get it!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Zaire
Zaire who?
Zaire is polluted!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
I am
I am who?
You don't know who you are?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Atch
Atch who?
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you had a cold.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Dinosaur
Dinosaur who?
Dinosaurs don't go who, they go ROAR!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive you. (I love you)

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Scot
Scot who?
Scot nothing to do with you!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Tennis
Tennis who?
Tennis is five plus five!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Who
Who who?
You never told me you're an owl!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Uriah
Uriah who?
Keep uriah on the ball!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Matthew
Matthew who?
Matthew lace has come undone!

Jokes

Man: Give me some shampoo.
Shopkeeper: Here you are.
Man: What is free in this?
Shopkeeper: Nothing.
Man: Do not tell lies, sir. This is dandruff free.
 

A boy came home from school. "How much did you learn in school today?" His mother asked.
"Not enough, I have to go back again tomorrow."
 

A skeleton walks in to a bar. He goes to the bartender and says, "I'm going to need a beer and a mop."
 

Tongue Twister: A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk but the stump thunk the skunk stunk!
 

Teacher: Who is smart? Put up your hand.
Then all the students except Ken raise their hand.
Teacher: Ken, why aren't you raising your hand?
Ken: Because if I raise my hand than you'll be all alone.
 

Electrician: Your doorbell doesn't work, because you have a short circuit in the wiring.
Housewife: Well for goodness sake lengthen it!
 

Invisible Boy's Mother: Why are your grades so low?
Invisible Boy: Because the teacher always marks me absent.
 

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, will this ointment clear up my spots?
Doctor: I never make rash promises.
 

There were three pigs and they walked into a restaurant. The waiter said, "What do you want to eat?" The first pig ordered fish and chips the second ordered pizza and the third ordered water.

The waiter came again and said, "What do you want for dessert?" The first pig wanted custard, the second some cake and the third wanted water again. The waiter said, "Why do you always have water?"
The pig replied, "Because one of us has to go wee, wee, wee all the way home!"
 

A little girl was staying at her grandmothers for the night because her parents were going out for the night. The little girl said, "May I please borrow the toilet?"
Her grandmother replied, "Certainly, but make sure you put it back once you're done with it!"
 

Patient: Doctor, doctor. I feel invisible.
Doctor: What? What? Who said that?
 

A man walks into a computer store.

Store Owner: Hello sir! Welcome to The Computer store!
Man: I would like to buy a computer that sings really well.
Owner: Well, we have Macs.
Man: No, no.
Owner: Would you like to look at our PC collection?
Man: Okay.
Owner: How about you buy a dell? (Adele)
Man: NOW THAT'S A SINGING COMPUTER!
 

Teacher: How do you spell Mississippi?
George: The state or the river?
 

A teenager saw twins and said to her friend, "I really need to see the doctor! I am seeing double!"
 

A girl went out one day and when she came back her house was on fire. She called the fire department and the lady that answered the phone told her to calm down. Then the lady asked, "How do we get to your house?"
The girl replied, "DUH! On your big red truck!"
 

Two girls were watching the 11 o'clock news when the first girl said, "I bet you five dollars that the man jumps off the building."
The second girl said, "You're on."
Well, five minutes later the guy jumped off the building. The first girl said," I can't take your money, I saw the five o'clock news."
The second girl said, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd be stupid enough to do it again."
 

A mushroom walks into a bar and the waiter says, "You look like a fungi!"
 

One day a lady entered a pet shop.
Lady: May I have a rabbit for my daughter?
Storekeeper: Sorry Ma'am, we don't do trades.
 

A little boy stops in front of a church with his bike and he sees the priest come out. The priest says, "Come inside, I want to show you something." The little boy says to the priest, "But somebody will steal my bike." The priest says to him, "Don't worry, the Holy Spirit will watch it."
So the little boy goes inside and the priest says, "Let me show you how to do the sign of the cross. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen. Now, you try it." So the boy says, "In the name of the Father and the Son, Amen." The priest asks, "What happened to the Holy Spirit?" The boy replied "He's outside,
watching my bike."
 

Two turtles were walking across the road, when suddenly a bright red car came racing around the corner and straight for them, one said to the other, "RUN!"
 

Teacher: Order children, order!
Student 1: I want a burger!
Student 2: I want chocolate ice cream!
Student 3: I want Lasagne!
Teacher: Sheesh!
Students: (laughing) Sorry!!!
 

Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Harold: A teacher.
 

A man was carrying a grandfather clock down a crowded street to a repair shop. The tall object blocked his view and he knocked into an old lady, causing her to fall. When the lady recovered from her shock, she asked the man, "Why don't you wear a wrist watch like everyone else?"
 

Larry watched fascinated as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that Mom?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter," asked Larry..."are you giving up?"
 

A man went to a restaurant and ordered soup. When the waitress came to give the soup to the man, he said, "Excuse me, I saw your thumb in my soup."
The waitress said, "Oh, it's okay. It wasn't hot."
 

A man walked into a bar. Ouch!
 

Dad: Why is your test score so low?
Girl: Because of absence.
Dad: You were absent?
Girl: No, the girl next to me was.
 

Kermit the Frog walks into a loan place and goes up to a lady working there. He notices her name tag says Patti Wak. Kermit asks if he can take out a loan and she says, "I am going to have to see an IOU." Kermit takes out a piggy bank from his pocket and says here it is. Patti Wak asks what it is and he tells her it's his IOU. Young man I am going to have to call your parents, "What's their number?"
"555-8937."
"Hello who is this?"
"This is Mick Jagger."
Patti Wak talks to Mick Jagger then talks to her manager. The manager says, "Nik Nak Patti Wak give this frog a loan his old man is a Rolling Stone."
 

Customer: There is a fly in my soup.
Waitress: Don't worry the spider in your bread will get it.
 

Two girls are distracted by another girl singing terribly, so they said, "You should sing tenor. Ten or twelve miles away from here!"
 


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