I am lost. I've gone to look for myself. If I happen to return before I get back, then please ask me to wait.
Shelly: Our teacher is a peach.
Kelly: You mean she is really nice?
Shelly: No, she has a heart of stone.
Peter: You wrote only one book and you call yourself an author?
John: You married only once and you call yourself a husband?
One day 3 people were climbing up a mountain when they saw a genie. They went to the genie and the genie said they each could turn into one thing. So the first person went up and ran off the mountain and yelled, "Flying squirrel!" He turned into a flying squirrel.
The second person ran and said, "Bat!" and he turned into a bat.
Now it was the third person's turn, he ran and just as he was about to say what he wanted to be he saw his shoes weren't tied and he said, "Stupid shoelaces!" and, well, he became stupid shoelaces.
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, that little boy asked, "Why?"
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered, "Yes." Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth!"
The dad replied, "Well son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree."
Electrician: Your doorbell doesn't work, because you have a short circuit in the wiring.
Housewife: Well for goodness sake lengthen it!
Mary had a little lamb,
But the lamb started to tease her.
Mary said, "STOP!"
But the lamb refused
So now it's in the freezer.
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, will this ointment clear up my spots?
Doctor: I never make rash promises.
A guy went to the doctor. "Doctor, I keep getting this pain in my eye every time a take a drink of my coffee."
The doctor says, "Try taking out the spoon."
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
There was a pig on the side of the road and a man came and picked him up. A cop saw him driving with the pig in his car. The cop pulled him over and said, "What are you doing with a pig in your front seat?"
The man said, "I'm taking him to the zoo."
And the cop said, "Oh, alright."
The next day the cop saw the same man with the same pig in his front seat, he pulled him over and asked, "What are you doing with that pig? I thought you were taking him to the zoo."
"I did, and today we're going to Disneyland."
England may not have a kidney bank but at least it has a Liverpool.
There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
One day a little boy made his mom a cup of coffee. It wasn't the best tasting coffee but she drank it to be nice. When the cup was all gone the mom saw the boys toy soldiers in the bottom of the cup. So the mom asked why they were there. The boy simply replied, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."
Patron: Waiter, what's this Praying Mantis doing in my soup?
Waiter: Saying grace.
Jeddah: I can make you say yellow.
Alexis: Try me.
Jeddah: Okay. What's the color of this?
Jeddah: See I told you I could make you say yellow?
Alexis: I didn't say yellow!!
Jeddah: Ha, ha, you just did!
A man said to his doctor, "I can't stop telling lies."
The doctor replied, "I don't believe you!"
The orchestra had finished their practice for the night and the conductor said,"Good night everyone!" The next morning at practice he said, "Cello everyone!"
Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4?
Student: That's not fair! You answered the easy ones and left me with the hard one!
A man once said he bet I couldn't name a landmark in Egypt. I replied, "You Sphinx?"
Stevie: Hey, Mom, I got a hundred in school today.
Mom: That's wonderful! What did you get a hundred in?
Stevie: In two things: I got forty in reading and sixty in spelling.
A dumb person walked into a barber shop with a headset on. The barber said, "You need to take the headset off."
The dumb person said, "I can't, just try to cut around it okay?"
"Fine," replied the barber.
The barber began cutting the dumb person's hair and took the headset off. Two minutes later the dumb person died. So the barber put on the headset and heard, "Breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out..."
Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
Louie: Because George still had the axe in his hand?
Patient: Doctor, doctor. I feel invisible.
Doctor: What? What? Who said that?
Jokes continue below video…
One day a duck waddles into a mini market and asks the clerk, "Got any grapes?" The clerk says no and the duck waddles out.
The next day the duck waddles into the mini market and asks the clerk, "Got any grapes?" The clerk says no and the duck waddles out.
The next day the duck does the same and once again the clerk says no and adds if you ask me one more time I will nail your webbed feet to the floor. So the duck waddles out.
The next day the duck waddles into the mini market and asks the clerk, "Got any nails?" The clerk says no. "Then got any grapes?"
Mom: What did you learn on your first day of school?
Child: Not enough, they want me to come back tomorrow!
A teenager saw twins and said to her friend, "I really need to see the doctor! I am seeing double!"
Mum: Eat your roast chicken, it's got iron it!
Jack: No wonder it is tough!
Teacher: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No, sir. It's the same dog.
There was a man and he was walking a lion on the side of the street when a policeman came and said, "Sir please don't walk your lion on the side of the street because its very dangerous. Why don't you take him to the zoo?!"
The man agreed with him and took his lion to the zoo.
The next day the policeman saw the man walking his lion again and told him the same thing but the man said, "I already took him to the zoo and he liked it a lot, now I'm going to take him to the movies."
Nani: A man walks into a library and says fghgfhvyjj tytutyhhrty. What does the man want?
Nani: I don't know, I am not the librarian!
There were 3 people and they were all bragging about their country. The first person says, "We were the first in space!"
And the second responds, "Well, we were first on the moon! Beat that!"
So the third person says, "Well, that's nothing. Me and my crew are going to the sun!"
"How are you gonna do that?" said the other two.
"Well duh! We are gonna go at night!"
A cat died in a house. The servant started crying badly.
Master: It is only a cat that has died, why are you crying so much?
Servant: Master, when the cat was there I used to drink the milk and put the blame on it. Now on whom will I put the blame?
The real estate agent says, "I have a good, cheap apartment for you."
The man replies, "By the week or by the month?"
The agent answers, "By the garbage dump."
Teacher: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Simon: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
Patient: Oh Dr. Nerdy! Everyone seems to ignore me! It's like I'm invisi-
Dr. Nerdy: Next, please!
A cop pulls a woman over and says, "Can I see your driver's licence?"
The girl asks, "What's a driver's licence?"
The cop says, "A little square thing with your picture on it."
So she dug through her purse and found a little hand mirror, and looked in it. She said, "This has my picture on it."
She handed it to the cop. He looks in it and says, "Why didn't you say you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over?"
Two cookies are baking in an oven. One cookie says to the other, "Man, is it me, or is it getting kinda hot in here?"
The other cookie replies, "Oh my goodness! A talking cookie!!"
There is a California dude going through a desert. He's wearing shorts, sunglasses, a towel and listening to music on his walkman. He's having a good time. Suddenly he sees a caravan approaching. He stops the men and asks them cheerfully, "Hey dudes how far is the sea?"
They look at each other and say, "Two thousand miles!"
And he says, "Wow what a cool beach!!!"
Think about the phrase " There are plenty of other fish in the sea," but then again, who would want to date fish?
The insects were playing against a team of flies. The flies were winning 30to 0. At the third quarter the insects put a millepede in the game, he scored a total of 50 points. At the end of the game the coach of the flies asked the coach of the insects, "Why didn't you put the millepede in the first quarter?"
"Because it takes him forever to put his shoes on!"
Lady: Doctor! Doctor! I only have one minute to live.
Doctor: Okay! Just a minute!
A teacher once asked a boy, "Where is the Dead Sea?"
The boy replied, "Miss, I never knew it was sick."
A teacher said, "Children, stand in a straight circle!"
Tim: Winter is here.
Tom: Don't answer the door.
Teacher: If you had five apples on your desk and the boy next to you took two, what would you get?
Billy: A fight!
Italy got Hungary, ate Turkey, slipped in Greece, broke China, went shopping in Iceland and got eaten by Whales.
There were two dummies standing by a lake. One was on one side, and the other one was on the other side. "How do I get to the other side?" asked the first dummy.
"You are on the other side!" said the second dummy.
Two girls are distracted by another girl singing terribly, so they said, "You should sing tenor. Ten or twelve miles away from here!"
Tongue Twister: A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk but the stump thunk the skunk stunk!
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