Teacher: What is the purpose of having school?
Student: Without school, there wouldn't be a reason for holidays and summer vacation.
There were 2 cats looking into a green canary's cage. The first cat said to the second cat, "That's not a canary, it's green!"
The second cat said, "I don't know, maybe it's not ripe yet!"
Why is it called "rush hour" when nobody moves?
There were three construction workers. The first man always had ham and cheese, the second had salami and swiss, and the third a hot dog. They all said, "If I get that for lunch again, I will jump off the Empire State Building!!"
The next day, the first guy got ham and cheese for lunch. So he jumped off the Empire State Building. His wife said, "I should have packed him something different!!"
The guy who had salami and swiss also jumped off the Empire State Building. His wife said, "I should have packed something different for my husband!!"
The third guy got a hot dog again, so he jumped off the Empire State Building. His wife said, "Why did he do that? He packs his own lunch!!"
Once this guy wanted a pet bird so he walked into this pet store with a sign that said 'MAGICAL PETS'. Once he was in the pet store he understood why. There were dogs with no ears or eyes, cats dancing on their hands, rabbits that could only say ribbit, and finally in the far, far corner a parrot that looked like it was doing nothing at all. So the guy walked up to the manager and said, "What is so magical about that parrot over there?"
The manager smiled and said, "I will show you." So they walked over to the back of the room and the manager pulled the parrot's left leg. Before the guy knew it the parrot was singing the national anthem!
"WOW!" the guy said. "What happens if you pull his right leg?" So the manager pulled the parrot's right leg and the parrot sang Your A Grand Old Flag! "WOW!!!" The guy said. "What about both legs?"
But before the manager could say a word the parrot said, "I'll fall stupid!"
Did you know the most fattening food in the world is peanuts? Well have you ever seen a skinny elephant?
It was the first day of school and the teacher asked all the troublemakers to stand up. Finally this girl stood up and the teacher asked, "Are you a troublemaker?"
The girl said, "No." The teacher asked why she was standing and the girl said, "You looked lonely."
Person 1: Did you hear about the ball player they put in jail?
Person 2: No.
Person 1: He stole all the bases!
The real estate agent says, "I have a good, cheap apartment for you."
The man replies, "By the week or by the month?"
The agent answers, "By the garbage dump."
Teacher: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No, sir. It's the same dog.
There was a man who wanted to prove his love to his wife. So he climbed the highest mountain, swam the deepest ocean and walked the biggest desert. What do you think his wife said? She didn't say anything! She divorced him for never being at home!
Father: What did you do today to help your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.
There were 3 people and they were all bragging about their country. The first person says, "We were the first in space!"
And the second responds, "Well, we were first on the moon! Beat that!"
So the third person says, "Well, that's nothing. Me and my crew are going to the sun!"
"How are you gonna do that?" said the other two.
"Well duh! We are gonna go at night!"
Once there was an alien that came from space. He heard the words, "He stole my lollipop." Then he went to the utensils store and heard, "Forks and knives." Then he went to the electricity store and heard, "Plug it in, plug it in."
When he went back to his spaceship he noticed the police were there. They asked him what was wrong and he said, "He stole my lollipop."
"What did you do to him?" They asked.
"Forks and knives," replied the alien.
"If you resist arrest we will have to tazer you?"
"Plug it in, plug it in!"
A teacher asked a girl, "How was the Red Sea formed?"
The girl said, "Sorry Miss, I don't know who painted it."
A guy went to the doctor. "Doctor, I keep getting this pain in my eye every time a take a drink of my coffee."
The doctor says, "Try taking out the spoon."
Teacher: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Simon: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
Teacher: Fred, the story you handed in called "Our Dog," is exactly like your brother's.
Fred: Of course. It's the same dog.
One day three women walked into a bar. The bartender said that if they looked into the mirror and told the truth they would get $10,000.00. But if they told a lie, they would disappear forever.
The first girl went up and said, "I think I'm the prettiest one in the bar." She got $10,000.00.
The next girl went up and said, "I think I'm the smartest one in the bar." She got $10,000.00 too.
The last girl went up and said, "I think..." and POOF, she was gone.
Guy 1: What's a pirate's favorite letter?
Guy 2: R! (Argh!)
Guy 1: You may think it's the R but it's actually the C! (sea)
Man: Give me some shampoo.
Shopkeeper: Here you are.
Man: What is free in this?
Man: Do not tell lies, sir. This is dandruff free.
Patient: Doctor, doctor. I feel invisible.
Doctor: What? What? Who said that?
Once there was a scientist doing a test on a frog. He told the frog to jump, so it jumped. The scientist wrote in his notes, "4 legs-jumps."
Then the scientist cut off one of the frog's front legs and said, "Jump." The frog jumped. The scientist wrote in his notes, "3 legs-jumps."
Then the scientist cut off the frog's other front leg and said, "Jump," and the frog jumped. The scientist wrote in his notes, "2 legs-jumps."
Then the scientist cut off one of the frog's back legs and said, "Jump," and the frog jumped. So the scientist wrote in his notes, "1 leg jump."
Then the scientist cut off the last leg and said, "Jump," and the frog didn't move. So the scientist said it again, but it still didn't move, so in his notes the scientist wrote, "No legs-goes deaf."
A man walks into a computer store.
Store Owner: Hello sir! Welcome to The Computer store!
Man: I would like to buy a computer that sings really well.
Owner: Well, we have Macs.
Man: No, no.
Owner: Would you like to look at our PC collection?
Owner: How about you buy a dell? (Adele)
Man: NOW THAT'S A SINGING COMPUTER!
Jokes continue below video…
Emma: Do you know what echo means?
John: Can you repeat that?
Invisible Boy's Mother: Why are your grades so low?
Invisible Boy: Because the teacher always marks me absent.
Patient: Doctor, Doctor. I think I'm turning into curtains.
Doctor: Pull your self together!
One day a lady was walking down the street with her baby and a man insulted her terribly by saying, "Why that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen!"
The lady was so devastated she sat down beside a tree and started sobbing, then a lady showed up and said, "What is the matter honey?"
The lady answered, "See that man over there? He said I have the ugliest baby."
"Why lady don't cry, I've got you a tissue for you and a banana for your monkey!"
Italy got Hungary, ate Turkey, slipped in Greece, broke China, went shopping in Iceland and got eaten by Whales.
I am lost. I've gone to look for myself. If I happen to return before I get back, then please ask me to wait.
A teenager saw twins and said to her friend, "I really need to see the doctor! I am seeing double!"
Mom: What did you learn on your first day of school?
Child: Not enough, they want me to come back tomorrow!
Joey: Little Joey can't come to school today.
Joey: He is sick
Principal: Who is this?
Joey: It's my dad.
A boy walked into his classroom late. "Why are you late?" the teacher asked.
"Because I saw a dead cat on the way to school," he said.
"How did you know it was dead?"
"I PSST in its ear."
"YOU DID WHAT!?"
"Yeah, I bent down and went PSST in its ear and it didn't move."
A ghost had been staying in a bed and breakfast hotel and when he came down for dinner he asked the waitress, "Please can I have two eggs, one tough and one rubbery, really tough bacon and burned, fried bread?"
The waitress said, "Sir, we really can't serve that kind of horrid food here."
The ghost replied, "Well, you did yesterday!"
A man is sitting in a pub feeling rather poor. He sees the man next to him pull a wad of $50 notes out of his wallet. He turns to the rich man and says, "I have an amazing talent. I know almost every song that has ever existed." The rich man laughs. The poor man says, "I am willing to bet you all the money you have in your wallet that I can sing a genuine song with a lady's name of your choice in it."
The rich man laughs again and says, "Ok, how about my daughter's name, Joanna Armstrong Miller."
The poor man begins, "Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Joanna Armstrong Miller, happy birthday to you!"
There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
Screen door: Something kids get a bang out of!
There was a really dumb girl and she failed a test. Her teacher wanted her to come in after school and make it up. On the note home to her parents the teacher wrote: Make up test.
The following day the girl brought lipstick and eye shadow to school.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
I guess they found a cure for Bieber Fever, because now everyone's got One Direction Infection!
Girl: What did one ocean say to the other?
Girl: Nothing, they just waved!
Girl: Do you SEA what I did there?
Boy: Um no?
Girl: I'm SHORE you did!
Dad writes on son's Facebook wall:
"Dear Son, How are you? All is fine here. We miss you a lot. Please turn off your computer and come down for dinner. Love Dad"
Customer: There is a fly in my soup.
Waitress: Don't worry the spider in your bread will get it.
One day a little boy made his mom a cup of coffee. It wasn't the best tasting coffee but she drank it to be nice. When the cup was all gone the mom saw the boys toy soldiers in the bottom of the cup. So the mom asked why they were there. The boy simply replied, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."
There was a family of tomatoes, the father tomato, the mother tomato and the baby tomato. They were walking down the road one day and baby tomato kept lagging behind. So finally the father tomato went back and stepped on him and said, "Catch up!"
Dentist: Stop making a face, I haven't even touched your teeth .
Tommy: I know, but you're stepping on my foot!
Patient: Oh Dr. Nerdy! Everyone seems to ignore me! It's like I'm invisi-
Dr. Nerdy: Next, please!
Dad: Go buy us a drink.
Son: Coke or Pepsi?
Son: Normal or diet?
Son: Bottle or can?
Son: 1L or 0.5L?
Dad: Just go buy some water!
Son: Carbonated or normal?
Son: Cold or hot?
Dad: Get out!
Son: Now or later?
Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
John: You told me to do it without using tables.
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