A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow," said her father, "that was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
Snake 1: I hope I'm not poisonous.
Snake 2: Why?
Snake 1: Because I just bit my tongue.
Bill: My sister has lovely long red hair all down her back.
Will: Pity it's not on her head.
When Dad came home he was astonished to see Alec sitting on a horse writing something. "What on earth are you doing up there?" Dad asked.
"Well the teacher told us to write an essay on our favourite animal. That's why I'm up here and sitting on the goldfish bowl!"
A guy and his elephant are driving and get pulled over. The policeman says, "You need to take the elephant to the zoo." So the guy took his elephant to the zoo.
The next day, the same policeman pulls over the same guy and elephant. The policeman says, "I told you to take the elephant to the zoo."
The guy says, "I did yesterday, today we are going to a baseball game."
Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Lady: Doctor! Doctor! I only have one minute to live.
Doctor: Okay! Just a minute!
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
Sam's mom had four kids, Enie, Menie, Miney, and Sam. One day Sam asked his mom, "Why didn't you name me Moe?"
To which she replied, "'Cause I didn't want no Moe."
There was a man called Stupid and a man called Nobody. One day Stupid pushed Nobody out of the window and then called for an ambulance. When it arrived, he told them that Nobody fell out of the window. The ambulance driver replied, "Are you stupid?"
Stupid replied, "That's amazing!! How did you guess?!"
I am lost. I've gone to look for myself. If I happen to return before I get back, then please ask me to wait.
Teacher: Give me a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it.
Student: If I had a sweater with ten buttons and two fell off, then I would only have to fascinate (fasten eight)!
Peter: Mother, why is a snail stronger than an elephant?
Mother: I don't know.
Peter: Because a snail can carry its own home, but an elephant can only carry its own trunk.
A vicar was going to a funeral. After 2 hours on the motorway, he reaches the funeral. When he gets there, he gets out of the car, puts his satnav in his pocket (but forgets to turn it off). Once he had read all the prayers, the coffin was brought to be buried with all the relatives standing around it. Suddenly, the satnav says, "You have reached your final destination!"
Once there were two chocolate bunnies and one had their ear bit off. One said, "Happy Easter."
"Huh?" Said the other.
There is a girl who has never ridden a horse. She gets on a horse for the first time. The horse starts to trot, then gallop. The girl gets scared and falls to the underside of the horse. The girl is getting trampled by the unknowing horse, and at the brink of being knocked out, when Willy the Wal-Mart worker unplugs the electric horse.
Man: Doctor! Doctor! I ate the key for my door.
Doctor: When did you eat it?
Man: About two months ago.
Doctor: Why are you coming in now?
Man: Because at that time I had another key.
Down in the south where coconuts grow, an elephant stepped on a mosquito's toe. The mosquito jumped up with tears in his eyes and said, "Excuse me but you're not my size."
Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell Crocodile?
Teacher: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
2 fish went down an alley, one go battered!
A teacher asked a boy a question after she had read her lesson. The boy just held his ears and shut his mouth
"Why are you not giving me any answer?"
"Because what ever you taught me goes in my ears and if I open my mouth, I will forget everything you said."
A woman is pulled over for reckless driving. The officer asked her why she was swerving in and out of the designated lane. She answered, "There was a tree in my way!"
The officers assures her, "Ma'am, that is you air freshener."
Patient: Doctor, Doctor. I think I'm turning into curtains.
Doctor: Pull your self together!
Teacher: How many seconds in a minute?
Teacher: How many minutes in an hour?
Teacher: Good, now for a hard one, how many seconds in a year?
Student: Yes, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...
Jokes continue below video…
Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your dad for another, how much would you have?
Boy: One dollar.
Teacher: Are you sure?
Boy: Yes, my dad wouldn't give me a dollar!
A lady came to a shop and got 14 scoops of ice cream with nuts. The man behind the counter asked, "Do you want a cherry with that?"
The lady replied, "No, I'm on a diet."
A teacher asked a girl, "How was the Red Sea formed?"
The girl said, "Sorry Miss, I don't know who painted it."
Patient: Doctor, Doctor! Last night I had a dream I ate a giant marshmallow!
Doctor: That's nice, so what's the problem?
Patient: Well, when I woke up my pillow was gone!
Emma: Do you know what echo means?
John: Can you repeat that?
A man told his friend, "I have two daughters. Both are girls."
Erin: Hey Taya, did you hear the joke about the bed?
Taya: No, what is it?
Erin: Never mind, it hasn't been made up yet.
If teachers are so smart then why are they in school?
Boy: Did you know that in Colorado there are no carnivals?
Girl: No fair? No fair!
Roses are red
Voilets aren't gray
I give you this card
Now give me an A
On the day before Thanksgiving there was a parrot who said bad words a lot. His owner got so annoyed he stuffed the parrot in the freezer. After the owner had calmed down he got the parrot out of the freezer, the parrot politely asked, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
A teacher said to his students, "Give me a sentence with lettuce."
The students said, "Lettuce out of school early!"
A visitor to the United States for the first time went to Manhattan to do some sight-seeing and shopping. Somehow he managed to get lost, so he called his cousin from a phone booth to pick him up. "Which corners are you at?" asked the cousin.
The visitor said, "Hold on." Stepping carefully onto the sidewalk, he looked up at the sign and stepped back into the booth. "I am at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk!"
When my brother told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down.
Teacher: Have you completed the work at home?
Student: No, sir.
Teacher (angrily): Why?
Student: Because my father has hired servants to do the work at home.
A snail purchased a new sports car. He told the salesperson that he wanted the letter "S" painted on both sides of the car. The salesman asked what is the "S" for? Snail? The Snail answered, "No, when I drive by I want people to say "Wow, look at that 'S' car go!" (escargo)
Did you know the most fattening food in the world is peanuts? Well have you ever seen a skinny elephant?
There were three men and they were going to Disneyland. They saw a sign that said, "Disneyland left." So they turned around and went back home.
An elephant asked an ant, "Please hide me." So the ant replied, "Hide behind me."
Robert: Did you hear about the goblin that lost his left leg and his left arm?
Alan: No, is he ok?
Robert: Yes. He's all right now!
Joel: I was born in Australia.
Kim: But which part?
Joel: Which part? My whole body of course!
A sea serpent saw a big tanker,
bit a hole in her side and then sank'er
in a minute or two,
it swallowed the crew,
then picked its teeth with the anchor.
One day, Ah Meng asked Siew Lee, "Why do lions eat raw meat?"
Siew Lee said, "Because they are wild animals?"
Ah Meng said, "Wrong! They eat raw meat because they can't cook!"
A little girl was staying at her grandmothers for the night because her parents were going out for the night. The little girl said, "May I please borrow the toilet?"
Her grandmother replied, "Certainly, but make sure you put it back once you're done with it!"
One day a lady entered a pet shop.
Lady: May I have a rabbit for my daughter?
Storekeeper: Sorry Ma'am, we don't do trades.
My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
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