A guy and his elephant are driving and get pulled over. The policeman says, "You need to take the elephant to the zoo." So the guy took his elephant to the zoo.
The next day, the same policeman pulls over the same guy and elephant. The policeman says, "I told you to take the elephant to the zoo."
The guy says, "I did yesterday, today we are going to a baseball game."
Person 1: Did you hear about the ball player they put in jail?
Person 2: No.
Person 1: He stole all the bases!
A man walked into a bar. Ouch!
Jeddah: I can make you say yellow.
Alexis: Try me.
Jeddah: Okay. What's the color of this?
Jeddah: See I told you I could make you say yellow?
Alexis: I didn't say yellow!!
Jeddah: Ha, ha, you just did!
When my brother told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down.
Teacher: Who is smart? Put up your hand.
Then all the students except Ken raise their hand.
Teacher: Ken, why aren't you raising your hand?
Ken: Because if I raise my hand than you'll be all alone.
A sea serpent saw a big tanker,
bit a hole in her side and then sank'er
in a minute or two,
it swallowed the crew,
then picked its teeth with the anchor.
A woman walks into a bar and sits down next to a guy near a dog. The woman asks, "Does your dog bite?"
The guy replied,"No."
The woman reached down to pet the dog and it bit her. "I thought you said he didn't bite," she yelled.
"That's not my dog," he yelled!
Mom: What did you learn on your first day of school?
Child: Not enough, they want me to come back tomorrow!
Once there was an alien that came from space. He heard the words, "He stole my lollipop." Then he went to the utensils store and heard, "Forks and knives." Then he went to the electricity store and heard, "Plug it in, plug it in."
When he went back to his spaceship he noticed the police were there. They asked him what was wrong and he said, "He stole my lollipop."
"What did you do to him?" They asked.
"Forks and knives," replied the alien.
"If you resist arrest we will have to tazer you?"
"Plug it in, plug it in!"
There was a man and he was walking a lion on the side of the street when a policeman came and said, "Sir please don't walk your lion on the side of the street because its very dangerous. Why don't you take him to the zoo?!"
The man agreed with him and took his lion to the zoo.
The next day the policeman saw the man walking his lion again and told him the same thing but the man said, "I already took him to the zoo and he liked it a lot, now I'm going to take him to the movies."
Shelly: Our teacher is a peach.
Kelly: You mean she is really nice?
Shelly: No, she has a heart of stone.
I dropped my computer in the ocean. Now there's a Dell rolling in the deep.
One day a lady was walking down the street with her baby and a man insulted her terribly by saying, "Why that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen!"
The lady was so devastated she sat down beside a tree and started sobbing, then a lady showed up and said, "What is the matter honey?"
The lady answered, "See that man over there? He said I have the ugliest baby."
"Why lady don't cry, I've got you a tissue for you and a banana for your monkey!"
Boy: God, what is a thousand years to you?
God: A second.
Boy: God, what is a thousand dollars to you?
God: A penny.
Boy: God, can I have a penny?
God: Sure, just a second.
Patient: Doctor! Doctor! I think I am losing my memory!
Doctor: When did that happen?
Patient: When did what happen!
Once an old man and woman went to a restaurant and ordered two sandwiches. The waiter brought the sandwiches and the old man started to eat but the women was only staring at the food. The waiter noticed this and went to see what the problem was. The old woman said nothing and just stared at him but the old man interrupted and said, "The sandwich is delicious, but she can't eat because I am using her teeth."
If pigs could fly, imagine what their wings would taste like!
A man went to a restaurant and ordered soup. When the waitress came to give the soup to the man, he said, "Excuse me, I saw your thumb in my soup."
The waitress said, "Oh, it's okay. It wasn't hot."
Said to a railroad engineer: What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The reply from the railroad engineer: How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?
A mother snake bought a gift for her son's birthday. The son was so thrilled he hissed, "Mommy! Help me open it. I'm crawling out of my skin with excitement!"
One day a lady entered a pet shop.
Lady: May I have a rabbit for my daughter?
Storekeeper: Sorry Ma'am, we don't do trades.
Bill: My sister has lovely long red hair all down her back.
Will: Pity it's not on her head.
Tel: That's funny, my shaving brush is very stiff this morning!
Jack: But it was nice and soft when I painted the fence with it yesterday.
Jokes continue below video…
There was a man called Stupid and a man called Nobody. One day Stupid pushed Nobody out of the window and then called for an ambulance. When it arrived, he told them that Nobody fell out of the window. The ambulance driver replied, "Are you stupid?"
Stupid replied, "That's amazing!! How did you guess?!"
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
Erin: Hey Taya, did you hear the joke about the bed?
Taya: No, what is it?
Erin: Never mind, it hasn't been made up yet.
Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
Louie: Because George still had the axe in his hand?
Sam: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this?
Joe: It's because your feet aren't empty.
I started reading a book about anti-gravity and now I can’t put it down.
Stevie: Hey, Mom, I got a hundred in school today.
Mom: That's wonderful! What did you get a hundred in?
Stevie: In two things: I got forty in reading and sixty in spelling.
A teacher said to his students, "Give me a sentence with lettuce."
The students said, "Lettuce out of school early!"
The moon goes to the hair dresser. The moon sits down and the sun comes to do his hair. The sun says to the moon, "Before I start on your hair, do you have any-clips?"
A man once said he bet I couldn't name a landmark in Egypt. I replied, "You Sphinx?"
There were three male dogs, a Golden Retriever, a Lab, and Chihuahua, walking down the street. On their walk, they met a beautiful French Poodle. They all ran up to the poodle. The poodle says to the three dogs, "Since you all want to marry me, whoever can say liver and cheese in a complete sentence will get to marry me."
The Golden Retriever says, "I love liver and cheese."
The poodle replied, "How childish"
The Lab says, "I hate liver and cheese."
"You're hopeless," said the poodle.
The Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."
A visitor to the United States for the first time went to Manhattan to do some sight-seeing and shopping. Somehow he managed to get lost, so he called his cousin from a phone booth to pick him up. "Which corners are you at?" asked the cousin.
The visitor said, "Hold on." Stepping carefully onto the sidewalk, he looked up at the sign and stepped back into the booth. "I am at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk!"
Peter: Mother, why is a snail stronger than an elephant?
Mother: I don't know.
Peter: Because a snail can carry its own home, but an elephant can only carry its own trunk.
Dad: Go buy us a drink.
Son: Coke or Pepsi?
Son: Normal or diet?
Son: Bottle or can?
Son: 1L or 0.5L?
Dad: Just go buy some water!
Son: Carbonated or normal?
Son: Cold or hot?
Dad: Get out!
Son: Now or later?
Lady: Doctor! Doctor! I only have one minute to live.
Doctor: Okay! Just a minute!
Once there were two chocolate bunnies and one had their ear bit off. One said, "Happy Easter."
"Huh?" Said the other.
Screen door: Something kids get a bang out of!
A boy said, "Mommy, my feet hurt!"
His mother said, "That's because your shoes are on the wrong feet."
"But these are the only feet I have," replied the boy.
The orchestra had finished their practice for the night and the conductor said,"Good night everyone!" The next morning at practice he said, "Cello everyone!"
Teacher: Have you completed the work at home?
Student: No, sir.
Teacher (angrily): Why?
Student: Because my father has hired servants to do the work at home.
A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"
Man: Doctor! Doctor! I ate the key for my door.
Doctor: When did you eat it?
Man: About two months ago.
Doctor: Why are you coming in now?
Man: Because at that time I had another key.
A man is sitting in a pub feeling rather poor. He sees the man next to him pull a wad of $50 notes out of his wallet. He turns to the rich man and says, "I have an amazing talent. I know almost every song that has ever existed." The rich man laughs. The poor man says, "I am willing to bet you all the money you have in your wallet that I can sing a genuine song with a lady's name of your choice in it."
The rich man laughs again and says, "Ok, how about my daughter's name, Joanna Armstrong Miller."
The poor man begins, "Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Joanna Armstrong Miller, happy birthday to you!"
An elephant asked an ant, "Please hide me." So the ant replied, "Hide behind me."
The insects were playing against a team of flies. The flies were winning 30 to 0. At the third quarter the insects put a millepede in the game, he scored a total of 50 points. At the end of the game the coach of the flies asked the coach of the insects, "Why didn't you put the millepede in the first quarter?"
"Because it takes him forever to put his shoes on!"
Three girls have a car crash and they all die. When they get up to the gates of heaven Saint Peter says, "Inside heaven there are lots of ducks, if you stand on one you will be given a terrible punishment!" The first girl steps on a duck and gets tied to a really ugly man, then the second girl steps on a duck and she gets tied to a really ugly man. The third girl doesn't step on a duck, so she walks along and a really handsome man gets tied to her and she said, "WOW, what have I done to deserve this?"
The really handsome man said, "I don't know, but I stepped on a duck!"
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