A girl walks into a library and says, "I'd like a cheeseburger and some fries."
The librarian says, "This a library."
The girl whispers to the librarian, "I'd like a cheeseburger and some fries."
Patient: Doctor! Doctor! I think I am losing my memory!
Doctor: When did that happen?
Patient: When did what happen!
A boy was told to write a 100 word essay. He thought for a bit then started. 'I went out to call my cat in for the night, so I called 'kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty...'
Lady: Doctor! Doctor! I only have one minute to live.
Doctor: Okay! Just a minute!
Teacher: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Simon: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
The insects were playing against a team of flies. The flies were winning 30 to 0. At the third quarter the insects put a millepede in the game, he scored a total of 50 points. At the end of the game the coach of the flies asked the coach of the insects, "Why didn't you put the millepede in the first quarter?"
"Because it takes him forever to put his shoes on!"
Robert: Did you hear about the goblin that lost his left leg and his left arm?
Alan: No, is he ok?
Robert: Yes. He's all right now!
Three girls have a car crash and they all die. When they get up to the gates of heaven Saint Peter says, "Inside heaven there are lots of ducks, if you stand on one you will be given a terrible punishment!" The first girl steps on a duck and gets tied to a really ugly man, then the second girl steps on a duck and she gets tied to a really ugly man. The third girl doesn't step on a duck, so she walks along and a really handsome man gets tied to her and she said, "WOW, what have I done to deserve this?"
The really handsome man said, "I don't know, but I stepped on a duck!"
Teacher: Fred, the story you handed in called "Our Dog," is exactly like your brother's.
Fred: Of course. It's the same dog.
There was a really dumb girl and she failed a test. Her teacher wanted her to come in after school and make it up. On the note home to her parents the teacher wrote: Make up test.
The following day the girl brought lipstick and eye shadow to school.
There were two sisters and they had $700 to spend on a bull. So one sister stayed home and looked after the farm while the other went to the auction. The sister brought the bull for $699 so she went to the post office and asked how much it was to send a telegram. It was $1 a word. So she told the man to send the word: Comfortable. (Come-for-the-bull.)
When Dad came home he was astonished to see Alec sitting on a horse writing something. "What on earth are you doing up there?" Dad asked.
"Well the teacher told us to write an essay on our favourite animal. That's why I'm up here and sitting on the goldfish bowl!"
Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
One bright day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other.
Drew there swords and shot each other.
The deaf police man heard the noise
Came and shot the two dead boys.
If you don' believe this lie is true
ask the blind man he saw it too.
Electrician: Your doorbell doesn't work, because you have a short circuit in the wiring.
Housewife: Well for goodness sake lengthen it!
Principal: Well, Ronald, I hear you missed the first day back to school.
Ronald: Yeah, but I didn't miss it very much.
A man walked into a pub and bought a sandwich, then a panda walked into the pub and stole the sandwich, ate it, shoots the barman and leaves. So the man goes out and says to the panda, "Why did you eat my sandwich, shoot the barman and then just leave?"
The panda says, "Look panda up in the dictionary."
So he looked Panda up and read: Eats shoots and leaves.
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
You are in a closed iron box. It is ten feet tall and you are three inches tall. All you have is a bat and ball. How do you get out?
You try to hit the ball once. You miss. Strike 1.
You try to hit the ball again. You miss. Strike 2.
You try to hit the ball again. You miss. Strike 3.
You are out!
Doctor: Next please!
Patient: Can you help me out please?
Doctor: Which way did you come in?
A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"
A horse walked into the bar and the bartender said, "Why the long face?"
A man was carrying a grandfather clock down a crowded street to a repair shop. The tall object blocked his view and he knocked into an old lady, causing her to fall. When the lady recovered from her shock, she asked the man, "Why don't you wear a wrist watch like everyone else?"
There were two cows standing in a field talking to each other. They were talking about Mr. Brown's cows having Mad Cow Disease, when one of the cows said, "It's a good thing we're chickens."
Jokes continue below video…
A teacher asked a girl, "How was the Red Sea formed?"
The girl said, "Sorry Miss, I don't know who painted it."
Moe: Does your undershirt have holes in it?
Joe: No, why?
Moe: Then how do you get it on in the morning?
Counselor: Why is your nose swelling?
Camper: I bent over to smell a brose.
Counselor: There is no b in rose.
Camper: There was a bee in this one.
If Barbie's so popular then why do you have to buy her a boyfriend?
Teacher: Have you completed the work at home?
Student: No, sir.
Teacher (angrily): Why?
Student: Because my father has hired servants to do the work at home.
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow," said her father, "that was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
There were 3 people and they were all bragging about their country. The first person says, "We were the first in space!"
And the second responds, "Well, we were first on the moon! Beat that!"
So the third person says, "Well, that's nothing. Me and my crew are going to the sun!"
"How are you gonna do that?" said the other two.
"Well duh! We are gonna go at night!"
See this finger here? Yesterday I whacked it with a hammer. I think I hit the wrong nail!
"Teacher, Teacher I need to pee!"
"Let me hear your ABC's."
"Okay, A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y and Z."
"Good job, except where is the P?"
"Halfway down my leg!"
There were three men who were hunting. The first man went and brought back a deer. The two men said, "How did you catch that?"
The man said, "I followed the tracks."
The second guy caught a moose and they asked, "How did you catch that?"
"I followed the tracks."
So the third guy went and came back with bruises and scrapes. "How did you get those?"
"I followed the tracks." He had followed train tracks.
Kermit the Frog walks into a loan place and goes up to a lady working there. He notices her name tag says Patti Wak. Kermit asks if he can take out a loan and she says, "I am going to have to see an IOU." Kermit takes out a piggy bank from his pocket and says here it is. Patti Wak asks what it is and he tells her it's his IOU. Young man I am going to have to call your parents, "What's their number?"
"Hello who is this?"
"This is Mick Jagger."
Patti Wak talks to Mick Jagger then talks to her manager. The manager says, "Nik Nak Patti Wak give this frog a loan his old man is a Rolling Stone."
There was a Longhorn flying a helicopter with a flight attendant on board. Ten minutes later she crashed. The attendant asked, "What happened?"
She said, "I got cold so I turned that big fan up there off."
A boy said, "Mommy, my feet hurt!"
His mother said, "That's because your shoes are on the wrong feet."
"But these are the only feet I have," replied the boy.
Patient: Oh Dr. Nerdy! Everyone seems to ignore me! It's like I'm invisi-
Dr. Nerdy: Next, please!
One day these two football players where flying in an airplane. The first engine on the plane blew and the pilot said, "We just lost one of our airplane's engines, but it's okay because we have one more. It will just take us an hour longer to get there."
Then one of the players says to other, I hope the last engine doesn't blow, because then we will be stuck up here all day!"
A little girl was staying at her grandmothers for the night because her parents were going out for the night. The little girl said, "May I please borrow the toilet?"
Her grandmother replied, "Certainly, but make sure you put it back once you're done with it!"
LaKesheauna: My dentist put his finger in a lion's mouth to see how many teeth it had.
Latangela: What did the lion do?
LaKesheauna: It closed its mouth to see how many fingers my dentist had.
A small boy is asked to find out what the first 4 letters of the alphabet are for his homework.
"Mum, what's the first letter of the alphabet?"
"Shut up and go away," she replied.
The boy went to his dad. "Dad, what's the second letter of the alphabet?"
"YYYYEEEAAAHHH!!!" The boy's dad roared; football was on the TV and his team had scored.
"Brother, what is the third letter of the alphabet?" The boy asked his brother, who was playing with his action men.
"Action Man, the greatest hero of them all!" He cried.
"Sister, what is the fourth letter of the alphabet?" The boy's sister was playing with her Barbie dolls.
"Drive away in the Barbie car, beep, beep!" The boy's sister sang.
The next day in school the teacher asked the boy what the first letter was.
"Shut up and go away!" He replied.
"Do you want to see the head teacher?" Teacher yells.
The boy is sent to the head teacher.
"Who do you think you are?" The headmaster shouts in his face.
"Action Man, the greatest hero of them all!"
"How do you think you're going to get away with this?"
"Drive away in the Barbie car, beep, beep!"
Did you know the most fattening food in the world is peanuts? Well have you ever seen a skinny elephant?
A newspaper reporter submitted a story about the theft of 2,025 pigs.
His editor, struck at the size of the theft, called the farmer to confirm.
"Is it true that you lost two thousand twenty-five pigs?" he asked.
"Yeth," said the farmer.
The editor thanked him, hung up, and changed the phrase to "two sows and 25 pigs."
Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell Crocodile?
Teacher: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
Dan: What do you get if you cross a pro baseball player with some cake ingrediants?
Dan: A batter.
Teacher: How do you spell Mississippi?
George: The state or the river?
Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your dad for another, how much would you have?
Boy: One dollar.
Teacher: Are you sure?
Boy: Yes, my dad wouldn't give me a dollar!
I dropped my computer in the ocean. Now there's a Dell rolling in the deep.
There's this man, he walks up to this lady's door. The lady answers it. The man says, "I'm terribly sorry. I just ran over your cat. I'd like to replace it." Then the woman says. "How good are you at catching mice?"
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