Teacher: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Simon: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
One day three women walked into a bar. The bartender said that if they looked into the mirror and told the truth they would get $10,000.00. But if they told a lie, they would disappear forever.
The first girl went up and said, "I think I'm the prettiest one in the bar." She got $10,000.00.
The next girl went up and said, "I think I'm the smartest one in the bar." She got $10,000.00 too.
The last girl went up and said, "I think..." and POOF, she was gone.
Student asking his teacher: Do you punish people for things they don't do?
Student: Good, because I haven't done my homework today.
The pillow asks the teddy bear, "Do you want an ice cream sundae?" The bear says, "No thanks, I'm stuffed!"
A teacher said to his students, "Give me a sentence with lettuce."
The students said, "Lettuce out of school early!"
Teacher: If you had five apples on your desk and the boy next to you took two, what would you get?
Billy: A fight!
You are in a closed iron box. It is ten feet tall and you are three inches tall. All you have is a bat and ball. How do you get out?
You try to hit the ball once. You miss. Strike 1.
You try to hit the ball again. You miss. Strike 2.
You try to hit the ball again. You miss. Strike 3.
You are out!
Teacher: How many seconds in a minute?
Teacher: How many minutes in an hour?
Teacher: Good, now for a hard one, how many seconds in a year?
Student: Yes, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...
A vicar was going to a funeral. After 2 hours on the motorway, he reaches the funeral. When he gets there, he gets out of the car, puts his satnav in his pocket (but forgets to turn it off). Once he had read all the prayers, the coffin was brought to be buried with all the relatives standing around it. Suddenly, the satnav says, "You have reached your final destination!"
If pigs could fly, imagine what their wings would taste like!
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, that little boy asked, "Why?"
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered, "Yes." Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth!"
The dad replied, "Well son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree."
Dan: What do you get if you cross a pro baseball player with some cake ingrediants?
Dan: A batter.
Kermit the Frog walks into a loan place and goes up to a lady working there. He notices her name tag says Patti Wak. Kermit asks if he can take out a loan and she says, "I am going to have to see an IOU." Kermit takes out a piggy bank from his pocket and says here it is. Patti Wak asks what it is and he tells her it's his IOU. Young man I am going to have to call your parents, "What's their number?"
"Hello who is this?"
"This is Mick Jagger."
Patti Wak talks to Mick Jagger then talks to her manager. The manager says, "Nik Nak Patti Wak give this frog a loan his old man is a Rolling Stone."
A man decided to start a chicken farm and brought 24 to get started. A week later he bought another 24 and another 24 the week after that. When his friend asked how his chicken farm was coming along the man replied, "Not one of them has grown yet. I wonder if I'm planting them too deep?"
Bill: My sister has lovely long red hair all down her back.
Will: Pity it's not on her head.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
There was a man and he was walking a lion on the side of the street when a policeman came and said, "Sir please don't walk your lion on the side of the street because its very dangerous. Why don't you take him to the zoo?!"
The man agreed with him and took his lion to the zoo.
The next day the policeman saw the man walking his lion again and told him the same thing but the man said, "I already took him to the zoo and he liked it a lot, now I'm going to take him to the movies."
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Once there was a scientist doing a test on a frog. He told the frog to jump, so it jumped. The scientist wrote in his notes, "4 legs-jumps."
Then the scientist cut off one of the frog's front legs and said, "Jump." The frog jumped. The scientist wrote in his notes, "3 legs-jumps."
Then the scientist cut off the frog's other front leg and said, "Jump," and the frog jumped. The scientist wrote in his notes, "2 legs-jumps."
Then the scientist cut off one of the frog's back legs and said, "Jump," and the frog jumped. So the scientist wrote in his notes, "1 leg jump."
Then the scientist cut off the last leg and said, "Jump," and the frog didn't move. So the scientist said it again, but it still didn't move, so in his notes the scientist wrote, "No legs-goes deaf."
There was a man carrying a lobster. His friend said, "What are you doing with that lobster under your arm?"
The man replied, "I am taking him to dinner."
The lobster spoke out, "I already had dinner, can we go to the movies instead?"
Coca Cola went to town
Pepsi Max shot him down
Dr. Pepper helped him up
Now they are drinking 7 Up.
Kid: I bet I can make you say Black. What's the color of the sky?
Kid's friend: Blue
Kid: Told you I could make you say blue.
Kid's friend: What? You said black.
Kid: Told you I could make you say black.
An elephant asked an ant, "Please hide me." So the ant replied, "Hide behind me."
There was a pig on the side of the road and a man came and picked him up. A cop saw him driving with the pig in his car. The cop pulled him over and said, "What are you doing with a pig in your front seat?"
The man said, "I'm taking him to the zoo."
And the cop said, "Oh, alright."
The next day the cop saw the same man with the same pig in his front seat, he pulled him over and asked, "What are you doing with that pig? I thought you were taking him to the zoo."
"I did, and today we're going to Disneyland."
Jokes continue below video…
A man walks into a dental office and says to the dentist, "I think I'm a moth."
The dentist says, "What!"
The man says, "I think I'm a moth."
The dentists says, "You need a phsycologist, not a dentist. Why'd you come in here?"
The man says, "Because your light was on."
A boy walked into his classroom late. "Why are you late?" the teacher asked.
"Because I saw a dead cat on the way to school," he said.
"How did you know it was dead?"
"I PSST in its ear."
"YOU DID WHAT!?"
"Yeah, I bent down and went PSST in its ear and it didn't move."
"Teacher, Teacher I need to pee!"
"Let me hear your ABC's."
"Okay, A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y and Z."
"Good job, except where is the P?"
"Halfway down my leg!"
A man walked into a bar. Ouch!
Milkman: Are you sure you want 50 quarts of milk?
Woman: Yes, my doctor told me to take a bath of milk.
Milkman: Would you like it pasteurized?
Woman: No, just up to my neck please.
There were 2 cats looking into a green canary's cage. The first cat said to the second cat, "That's not a canary, it's green!"
The second cat said, "I don't know, maybe it's not ripe yet!"
Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Art teacher: Mimi, I told the class to draw a horse and cart, but you have only drawn a horse!
Mimi: Yes sir, the horse will draw the cart!
"Ggggggggggggggggggggggggggg," said the frog.
"You've got a frog in your throat," said the other frog.
Peter: Mother, why is a snail stronger than an elephant?
Mother: I don't know.
Peter: Because a snail can carry its own home, but an elephant can only carry its own trunk.
Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with I.
Millie: I is...
Teacher: No, Millie. Always say I am.
Millie: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
A teacher asked a girl, "How was the Red Sea formed?"
The girl said, "Sorry Miss, I don't know who painted it."
Two men walked into a bar. One ducked and the other said, "Ouch!"
Man: Give me some shampoo.
Shopkeeper: Here you are.
Man: What is free in this?
Man: Do not tell lies, sir. This is dandruff free.
A newspaper reporter submitted a story about the theft of 2,025 pigs.
His editor, struck at the size of the theft, called the farmer to confirm.
"Is it true that you lost two thousand twenty-five pigs?" he asked.
"Yeth," said the farmer.
The editor thanked him, hung up, and changed the phrase to "two sows and 25 pigs."
Now I lay my head to rest
A pile of books upon my chest
If I shall die before I wake
That's one less test I have to take.
A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"
Doctor: Next please!
Patient: Can you help me out please?
Doctor: Which way did you come in?
There were two sisters and they had $700 to spend on a bull. So one sister stayed home and looked after the farm while the other went to the auction. The sister brought the bull for $699 so she went to the post office and asked how much it was to send a telegram. It was $1 a word. So she told the man to send the word: Comfortable. (Come-for-the-bull.)
Once there was an alien that came from space. He heard the words, "He stole my lollipop." Then he went to the utensils store and heard, "Forks and knives." Then he went to the electricity store and heard, "Plug it in, plug it in."
When he went back to his spaceship he noticed the police were there. They asked him what was wrong and he said, "He stole my lollipop."
"What did you do to him?" They asked.
"Forks and knives," replied the alien.
"If you resist arrest we will have to tazer you?"
"Plug it in, plug it in!"
Sam: Wanna hear a joke?
Sam: Na, I don't want to, just kitten!
Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
Socks can eat anywhere they want.
Person 1: Did you hear about the ball player they put in jail?
Person 2: No.
Person 1: He stole all the bases!
A horse walked into the bar and the bartender said, "Why the long face?"
John: Can I cut you in line?
Stella: No, I would like to stay in one piece!
Think about the phrase " There are plenty of other fish in the sea," but then again, who would want to date fish?
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