Is this milk pasteurized?
No, it's only up to your nose.
A sea serpent saw a big tanker,
bit a hole in her side and then sank'er
in a minute or two,
it swallowed the crew,
then picked its teeth with the anchor.
One bright day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other.
Drew there swords and shot each other.
The deaf police man heard the noise
Came and shot the two dead boys.
If you don' believe this lie is true
ask the blind man he saw it too.
Sam: Wanna hear a joke?
Sam: Na, I don't want to, just kitten!
There was once a cookie saying, "I'm a cookie, I'm a cookie, I'm a cookie."
A lady came along and told him to be quiet. She poked him in the middle. Then the cookie looked at his stomach and said, "I'm a donut, I'm a donut, I'm a donut."
A horse walked into the bar and the bartender said, "Why the long face?"
A boy said, "Mommy, my feet hurt!"
His mother said, "That's because your shoes are on the wrong feet."
"But these are the only feet I have," replied the boy.
Dan: What do you get if you cross a pro baseball player with some cake ingrediants?
Dan: A batter.
There were three construction workers. The first man always had ham and cheese, the second had salami and swiss, and the third a hot dog. They all said, "If I get that for lunch again, I will jump off the Empire State Building!!"
The next day, the first guy got ham and cheese for lunch. So he jumped off the Empire State Building. His wife said, "I should have packed him something different!!"
The guy who had salami and swiss also jumped off the Empire State Building. His wife said, "I should have packed something different for my husband!!"
The third guy got a hot dog again, so he jumped off the Empire State Building. His wife said, "Why did he do that? He packs his own lunch!!"
Fayad: Hey, Prasant where does the sun go at night?
Prasant: Ah, Fayad, you are so foolish. It doesn't go anywhere, we just can't see it because it's dark out.
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I'm going to die in 59 seconds!
Doctor: Hang on, I'll be there in a minute.
Mum: Eat your roast chicken, it's got iron it!
Jack: No wonder it is tough!
A guy went to the doctor. "Doctor, I keep getting this pain in my eye every time a take a drink of my coffee."
The doctor says, "Try taking out the spoon."
Joel: I was born in Australia.
Kim: But which part?
Joel: Which part? My whole body of course!
Think about the phrase " There are plenty of other fish in the sea," but then again, who would want to date fish?
Patient: Doctor, doctor. I feel invisible.
Doctor: What? What? Who said that?
A man is sitting in a pub feeling rather poor. He sees the man next to him pull a wad of $50 notes out of his wallet. He turns to the rich man and says, "I have an amazing talent. I know almost every song that has ever existed." The rich man laughs. The poor man says, "I am willing to bet you all the money you have in your wallet that I can sing a genuine song with a lady's name of your choice in it."
The rich man laughs again and says, "Ok, how about my daughter's name, Joanna Armstrong Miller."
The poor man begins, "Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Joanna Armstrong Miller, happy birthday to you!"
Guy 1: What's a pirate's favorite letter?
Guy 2: R! (Argh!)
Guy 1: You may think it's the R but it's actually the C! (sea)
There were two dummies standing by a lake. One was on one side, and the other one was on the other side. "How do I get to the other side?" asked the first dummy.
"You are on the other side!" said the second dummy.
Teacher: Fred, the story you handed in called "Our Dog," is exactly like your brother's.
Fred: Of course. It's the same dog.
Now I lay my head to rest
A pile of books upon my chest
If I shall die before I wake
That's one less test I have to take.
Teacher: Who was the first woman on earth?
Boy: I don't know?
Teacher: Think of the apple story.
Boy: I know, Granny Smith!
"Teacher, Teacher I need to pee!"
"Let me hear your ABC's."
"Okay, A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y and Z."
"Good job, except where is the P?"
"Halfway down my leg!"
A man was carrying a grandfather clock down a crowded street to a repair shop. The tall object blocked his view and he knocked into an old lady, causing her to fall. When the lady recovered from her shock, she asked the man, "Why don't you wear a wrist watch like everyone else?"
Jokes continue below video…
John: Can I cut you in line?
Stella: No, I would like to stay in one piece!
Teacher: Give me a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it.
Student: If I had a sweater with ten buttons and two fell off, then I would only have to fascinate (fasten eight)!
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A man is in the hospital and he can't talk. All of a sudden the man's wife comes in the room and stands in the corner. The man starts to act like something's wrong. So the doctor gives him a sheet of paper and pencil. The man writes something down and as soon as he finishes he folds the paper and dies. The doctor gets the note and gives it to the wife. She is curious she reads the note. It said, "You are standing on my oxygen cord."
If teachers are so smart then why are they in school?
Student asking his teacher: Do you punish people for things they don't do?
Student: Good, because I haven't done my homework today.
Invisible Boy's Mother: Why are your grades so low?
Invisible Boy: Because the teacher always marks me absent.
A neutron walks into a bar, buys a drink then asks how much for his drink. The bartender says, "For you, no charge."
Mother: George, why does your geography exam have a big zero over it?
George: It is not a zero, Mum. The teacher ran out of stars, so she gave me a moon instead!
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
The real estate agent says, "I have a good, cheap apartment for you."
The man replies, "By the week or by the month?"
The agent answers, "By the garbage dump."
Little Jaden told his his dad he wanted to get married. His dad asked, "Do you have any one in mind?"
He said, "Yes, grandma."
Dad asked, "My mom? Why?"
Little Jaden said, "Well, you married my mom!"
Said to a railroad engineer: What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The reply from the railroad engineer: How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, will this ointment clear up my spots?
Doctor: I never make rash promises.
Boy: Daddy, I have a little pain in my stomach.
Dad: Because your stomach is empty. Go eat some food.
Boy: Really? Is that why mommy is always complaining about her headache? Is her head empty?
Roses are red
Voilets aren't gray
I give you this card
Now give me an A
Sam: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this?
Joe: It's because your feet aren't empty.
Once there were two chocolate bunnies and one had their ear bit off. One said, "Happy Easter."
"Huh?" Said the other.
Dad: Go buy us a drink.
Son: Coke or Pepsi?
Son: Normal or diet?
Son: Bottle or can?
Son: 1L or 0.5L?
Dad: Just go buy some water!
Son: Carbonated or normal?
Son: Cold or hot?
Dad: Get out!
Son: Now or later?
Two girls were watching the 11 o'clock news when the first girl said, "I bet you five dollars that the man jumps off the building."
The second girl said, "You're on."
Well, five minutes later the guy jumped off the building. The first girl said," I can't take your money, I saw the five o'clock news."
The second girl said, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd be stupid enough to do it again."
If this is New York, where is the old one?
The pillow asks the teddy bear, "Do you want an ice cream sundae?" The bear says, "No thanks, I'm stuffed!"
There were three male dogs, a Golden Retriever, a Lab, and Chihuahua, walking down the street. On their walk, they met a beautiful French Poodle. They all ran up to the poodle. The poodle says to the three dogs, "Since you all want to marry me, whoever can say liver and cheese in a complete sentence will get to marry me."
The Golden Retriever says, "I love liver and cheese."
The poodle replied, "How childish"
The Lab says, "I hate liver and cheese."
"You're hopeless," said the poodle.
The Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."
Screen door: Something kids get a bang out of!
Peter: You wrote only one book and you call yourself an author?
John: You married only once and you call yourself a husband?
Robert: Did you hear about the goblin that lost his left leg and his left arm?
Alan: No, is he ok?
Robert: Yes. He's all right now!
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