There was a man who wanted to prove his love to his wife. So he climbed the highest mountain, swam the deepest ocean and walked the biggest desert. What do you think his wife said? She didn't say anything! She divorced him for never being at home!
Screen door: Something kids get a bang out of!
A man said to his doctor, "I can't stop telling lies."
The doctor replied, "I don't believe you!"
Sam: Wanna hear a joke?
Sam: Na, I don't want to, just kitten!
There were three construction workers. The first man always had ham and cheese, the second had salami and swiss, and the third a hot dog. They all said, "If I get that for lunch again, I will jump off the Empire State Building!!"
The next day, the first guy got ham and cheese for lunch. So he jumped off the Empire State Building. His wife said, "I should have packed him something different!!"
The guy who had salami and swiss also jumped off the Empire State Building. His wife said, "I should have packed something different for my husband!!"
The third guy got a hot dog again, so he jumped off the Empire State Building. His wife said, "Why did he do that? He packs his own lunch!!"
A visitor to the United States for the first time went to Manhattan to do some sight-seeing and shopping. Somehow he managed to get lost, so he called his cousin from a phone booth to pick him up. "Which corners are you at?" asked the cousin.
The visitor said, "Hold on." Stepping carefully onto the sidewalk, he looked up at the sign and stepped back into the booth. "I am at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk!"
A teacher asked a girl, "How was the Red Sea formed?"
The girl said, "Sorry Miss, I don't know who painted it."
Father: What did you do today to help your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.
One day a lady was walking down the street with her baby and a man insulted her terribly by saying, "Why that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen!"
The lady was so devastated she sat down beside a tree and started sobbing, then a lady showed up and said, "What is the matter honey?"
The lady answered, "See that man over there? He said I have the ugliest baby."
"Why lady don't cry, I've got you a tissue for you and a banana for your monkey!"
A woman walks into a bar and sits down next to a guy near a dog. The woman asks, "Does your dog bite?"
The guy replied,"No."
The woman reached down to pet the dog and it bit her. "I thought you said he didn't bite," she yelled.
"That's not my dog," he yelled!
The pillow asks the teddy bear, "Do you want an ice cream sundae?" The bear says, "No thanks, I'm stuffed!"
If pigs could fly, imagine what their wings would taste like!
My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
There were 3 cats, The first cat said, "Meow."
Second cat said, "Meow."
Third cat said, "Meow, meow."
The first cat said, "Don't change the subject."
One bright day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other.
Drew there swords and shot each other.
The deaf police man heard the noise
Came and shot the two dead boys.
If you don' believe this lie is true
ask the blind man he saw it too.
Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
A teacher once asked a boy, "Where is the Dead Sea?"
The boy replied, "Miss, I never knew it was sick."
Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Harold: A teacher.
Teacher: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
Glen: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
There was a man who bought a camel. The previous owner told him that to make it walk, say "few," to make it run, say "many" and to make it stop say "amen". So one day the man decided to have a practise ride. He said "few" and the camel started walking, he said "many" and it started running, right towards the edge of a cliff. But the man forgot how to make it stop, so, panicking, he shouted out "Lord save me, Lord save me, Amen" and of course the camel stopped - at the VERY edge. Relieved the man said to himself, "Phew, that was clo-aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
Mary had a little lamb,
But the lamb started to tease her.
Mary said, "STOP!"
But the lamb refused
So now it's in the freezer.
Boy: Did you know that in Colorado there are no carnivals?
Girl: No fair? No fair!
There was a man and he was walking a lion on the side of the street when a policeman came and said, "Sir please don't walk your lion on the side of the street because its very dangerous. Why don't you take him to the zoo?!"
The man agreed with him and took his lion to the zoo.
The next day the policeman saw the man walking his lion again and told him the same thing but the man said, "I already took him to the zoo and he liked it a lot, now I'm going to take him to the movies."
A teacher said to his students, "Give me a sentence with lettuce."
The students said, "Lettuce out of school early!"
Jokes continue below video…
Dad: Why is your test score so low?
Girl: Because of absence.
Dad: You were absent?
Girl: No, the girl next to me was.
Patient: Doctor, doctor. I feel invisible.
Doctor: What? What? Who said that?
The orchestra had finished their practice for the night and the conductor said,"Good night everyone!" The next morning at practice he said, "Cello everyone!"
One day a duck waddles into a mini market and asks the clerk, "Got any grapes?" The clerk says no and the duck waddles out.
The next day the duck waddles into the mini market and asks the clerk, "Got any grapes?" The clerk says no and the duck waddles out.
The next day the duck does the same and once again the clerk says no and adds if you ask me one more time I will nail your webbed feet to the floor. So the duck waddles out.
The next day the duck waddles into the mini market and asks the clerk, "Got any nails?" The clerk says no. "Then got any grapes?"
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Tim: Winter is here.
Tom: Don't answer the door.
Patient: Doctor, Doctor! Last night I had a dream I ate a giant marshmallow!
Doctor: That's nice, so what's the problem?
Patient: Well, when I woke up my pillow was gone!
Tongue Twister: A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk but the stump thunk the skunk stunk!
A little boy stops in front of a church with his bike and he sees the priest come out. The priest says, "Come inside, I want to show you something." The little boy says to the priest, "But somebody will steal my bike." The priest says to him, "Don't worry, the Holy Spirit will watch it."
So the little boy goes inside and the priest says, "Let me show you how to do the sign of the cross. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen. Now, you try it." So the boy says, "In the name of the Father and the Son, Amen." The priest asks, "What happened to the Holy Spirit?" The boy replied "He's outside,
watching my bike."
Three men were captured by cannibals. The cannibals got hungry so they took a man out of his cage and asked him, "You have two choices to die. You can shoot yourself or we can boil you in a soup and use your skin for our canoe."
The man said, " I will shoot myself."
Three months later the cannibals got hungry again. They took out the second man and said, "You have two choices to die. You can shoot yourself or we can boil you in a soup and use your skin for our canoe." The man said, " I will shoot myself."
Three months later the cannibals got hungry again. They took out the last guy and said, "You don't have a choice we are going to boil you in our soup and use your skin for our canoe. Do you have any last requests?"
The man said, "Can I have a fork?" They got him a fork and he started poking his arm while saying, "Just try to make a canoe now!"
A man decided to start a chicken farm and brought 24 to get started. A week later he bought another 24 and another 24 the week after that. When his friend asked how his chicken farm was coming along the man replied, "Not one of them has grown yet. I wonder if I'm planting them too deep?"
Student asking his teacher: Do you punish people for things they don't do?
Student: Good, because I haven't done my homework today.
One day three women walked into a bar. The bartender said that if they looked into the mirror and told the truth they would get $10,000.00. But if they told a lie, they would disappear forever.
The first girl went up and said, "I think I'm the prettiest one in the bar." She got $10,000.00.
The next girl went up and said, "I think I'm the smartest one in the bar." She got $10,000.00 too.
The last girl went up and said, "I think..." and POOF, she was gone.
"Ggggggggggggggggggggggggggg," said the frog.
"You've got a frog in your throat," said the other frog.
If this is New York, where is the old one?
58 Things to do in an Elevator
1. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
5. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
6. Ask, "Did you feel that?"
7. Swat at flies that don't exist.
8. Call out, "Group hug!", then enforce it.
9. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
10. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
11. Make race car noises when people get on and off.
12. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to the other passengers.
13. Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering "Shut up! All of you just shut up!"
14. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a small world" incessantly.
15. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
16. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
18. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peeking inside ask "Got enough air in there?"
19. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
20. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
21. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
22. Lean over to another passenger and whisper "Enjoying the ride?"
23. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral".
25. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
26. Do Tai Chi exercises.
27. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while and then announce: "I've got new socks on".
28. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh not now! stupid motion sickness!"
29. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
30. Meow occasionally.
31. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter into your nose.
32. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
33. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.
34. Holler "Chutes Away!" whenever the elevator descends.
35. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
36. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of them!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
37. Leave a box between the doors.
38. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
39. Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.
40. Start a sing-a-long.
41. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?"
42. Play the accordion.
43. Shadow box.
44. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
45. Lean against the button panel.
46. Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.
47. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
48. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".
49. Bring a chair along.
50. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
51. Blow spit bubbles.
52. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
53. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
54. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
55. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
56. Wear "X-ray Specs" and leer at other passengers.
57. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."
58. If anyone touches you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!"
Student: Teacher, Teacher!
Student: Can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: After you recite the alphabet.
Student: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z!
Teacher: Where did the P go?
Student: It's running down my leg!
An airplane was falling from the sky. Four were aboard, a doctor, a vet, the pilot, and a man who thought he was the smartest person in the world. There were only three parachutes.
Doctor: I'm a doctor, so I should jump down first.
So he took a parachute and jumped off the plane.
The smartest person in the world: Well, I'm the smartest man in the world so I should jump off next.
So he took a bag and jumped off. There were two people left.
Pilot: How will we decide who jumps off next?
Vet: We don't have to, the smartest man in the world just jumped off with my backpack.
Mom: What did you learn on your first day of school?
Child: Not enough, they want me to come back tomorrow!
1st Cannibal: Am I late for dinner?
2nd Cannibal: Yes, every one's eaten.
Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
Louie: Because George still had the axe in his hand?
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, will this ointment clear up my spots?
Doctor: I never make rash promises.
Bob: Why don't you wanna TACO 'bout it?
Josie: 'Cause I'm NACHO friend anymore!
There was a Longhorn flying a helicopter with a flight attendant on board. Ten minutes later she crashed. The attendant asked, "What happened?"
She said, "I got cold so I turned that big fan up there off."
When my brother told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down.
Teacher: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No, sir. It's the same dog.
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