Teacher: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
Glen: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
There's this man, he walks up to this lady's door. The lady answers it. The man says, "I'm terribly sorry. I just ran over your cat. I'd like to replace it." Then the woman says. "How good are you at catching mice?"
Teacher: How many seconds in a minute?
Teacher: How many minutes in an hour?
Teacher: Good, now for a hard one, how many seconds in a year?
Student: Yes, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...
There was a man and he was walking a lion on the side of the street when a policeman came and said, "Sir please don't walk your lion on the side of the street because its very dangerous. Why don't you take him to the zoo?!"
The man agreed with him and took his lion to the zoo.
The next day the policeman saw the man walking his lion again and told him the same thing but the man said, "I already took him to the zoo and he liked it a lot, now I'm going to take him to the movies."
Two girls were watching the 11 o'clock news when the first girl said, "I bet you five dollars that the man jumps off the building."
The second girl said, "You're on."
Well, five minutes later the guy jumped off the building. The first girl said," I can't take your money, I saw the five o'clock news."
The second girl said, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd be stupid enough to do it again."
Fayad: Hey, Prasant where does the sun go at night?
Prasant: Ah, Fayad, you are so foolish. It doesn't go anywhere, we just can't see it because it's dark out.
Erin: Hey Taya, did you hear the joke about the bed?
Taya: No, what is it?
Erin: Never mind, it hasn't been made up yet.
The pillow asks the teddy bear, "Do you want an ice cream sundae?" The bear says, "No thanks, I'm stuffed!"
Judge: Don't you have common sense? Why did you rob the shop again and again?
Thief: The board hanging on the shop says "Thank you, come again."
Mary had a little lamb,
But the lamb started to tease her.
Mary said, "STOP!"
But the lamb refused
So now it's in the freezer.
Counselor: Why is your nose swelling?
Camper: I bent over to smell a brose.
Counselor: There is no b in rose.
Camper: There was a bee in this one.
Man: Give me some shampoo.
Shopkeeper: Here you are.
Man: What is free in this?
Man: Do not tell lies, sir. This is dandruff free.
Sam's mom had four kids, Enie, Menie, Miney, and Sam. One day Sam asked his mom, "Why didn't you name me Moe?"
To which she replied, "'Cause I didn't want no Moe."
Bill: My sister has lovely long red hair all down her back.
Will: Pity it's not on her head.
A dumb person walked into a barber shop with a headset on. The barber said, "You need to take the headset off."
The dumb person said, "I can't, just try to cut around it okay?"
"Fine," replied the barber.
The barber began cutting the dumb person's hair and took the headset off. Two minutes later the dumb person died. So the barber put on the headset and heard, "Breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out..."
A cop pulls a woman over and says, "Can I see your driver's licence?"
The girl asks, "What's a driver's licence?"
The cop says, "A little square thing with your picture on it."
So she dug through her purse and found a little hand mirror, and looked in it. She said, "This has my picture on it."
She handed it to the cop. He looks in it and says, "Why didn't you say you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over?"
When the dentist had a appointment with his friend it was at 2:30.
Teacher: How do you spell Mississippi?
George: The state or the river?
Roses are red
Voilets aren't gray
I give you this card
Now give me an A
My wife still misses me but her aim's getting better!
Guy 1: What's a pirate's favorite letter?
Guy 2: R! (Argh!)
Guy 1: You may think it's the R but it's actually the C! (sea)
Two cookies are baking in an oven. One cookie says to the other, "Man, is it me, or is it getting kinda hot in here?"
The other cookie replies, "Oh my goodness! A talking cookie!!"
Girl: What did one ocean say to the other?
Girl: Nothing, they just waved!
Girl: Do you SEA what I did there?
Boy: Um no?
Girl: I'm SHORE you did!
Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
Socks can eat anywhere they want.
Jokes continue below video…
Lady: Doctor! Doctor! I only have one minute to live.
Doctor: Okay! Just a minute!
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I'm going to die in 59 seconds!
Doctor: Hang on, I'll be there in a minute.
Customer: There is a fly in my soup.
Waitress: Don't worry the spider in your bread will get it.
Little Jaden told his his dad he wanted to get married. His dad asked, "Do you have any one in mind?"
He said, "Yes, grandma."
Dad asked, "My mom? Why?"
Little Jaden said, "Well, you married my mom!"
You are in a closed iron box. It is ten feet tall and you are three inches tall. All you have is a bat and ball. How do you get out?
You try to hit the ball once. You miss. Strike 1.
You try to hit the ball again. You miss. Strike 2.
You try to hit the ball again. You miss. Strike 3.
You are out!
Dentist: Stop making a face, I haven't even touched your teeth .
Tommy: I know, but you're stepping on my foot!
Think about the phrase " There are plenty of other fish in the sea," but then again, who would want to date fish?
A woman walks into a bar and sits down next to a guy near a dog. The woman asks, "Does your dog bite?"
The guy replied,"No."
The woman reached down to pet the dog and it bit her. "I thought you said he didn't bite," she yelled.
"That's not my dog," he yelled!
A boy said, "Mommy, my feet hurt!"
His mother said, "That's because your shoes are on the wrong feet."
"But these are the only feet I have," replied the boy.
A first grade teacher was telling her students the story of "Chicken Little." She got to the part when Chicken Little ran up to the Farmer saying, "The sky is falling. The sky is falling." Then the teacher paused and asked the kids what they thought the farmer said. One little girl raised her hand and the teacher called on her. The little girl then said, "I think the farmer said Holy cow, a talking chicken!"
There was a Longhorn flying a helicopter with a flight attendant on board. Ten minutes later she crashed. The attendant asked, "What happened?"
She said, "I got cold so I turned that big fan up there off."
There were three girls going for a hike in the desert. The first girl said, "I'll bring water in case we get thirsty."
The second said, "I'll bring food in case we get hungry."
The last said, "I'll bring the car door, so if we get hot we can roll the window down!"
Tim: Winter is here.
Tom: Don't answer the door.
A boy walked into his classroom late. "Why are you late?" the teacher asked.
"Because I saw a dead cat on the way to school," he said.
"How did you know it was dead?"
"I PSST in its ear."
"YOU DID WHAT!?"
"Yeah, I bent down and went PSST in its ear and it didn't move."
Teacher: Fred, the story you handed in called "Our Dog," is exactly like your brother's.
Fred: Of course. It's the same dog.
A man is sitting in a pub feeling rather poor. He sees the man next to him pull a wad of $50 notes out of his wallet. He turns to the rich man and says, "I have an amazing talent. I know almost every song that has ever existed." The rich man laughs. The poor man says, "I am willing to bet you all the money you have in your wallet that I can sing a genuine song with a lady's name of your choice in it."
The rich man laughs again and says, "Ok, how about my daughter's name, Joanna Armstrong Miller."
The poor man begins, "Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Joanna Armstrong Miller, happy birthday to you!"
When my brother told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down.
I am lost. I've gone to look for myself. If I happen to return before I get back, then please ask me to wait.
A neutron walks into a bar, buys a drink then asks how much for his drink. The bartender says, "For you, no charge."
The orchestra had finished their practice for the night and the conductor said,"Good night everyone!" The next morning at practice he said, "Cello everyone!"
Father: What did you do today to help your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.
The difference between a boxer and a man with a cold is that... One knows his blows and another blows his nose!
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
If pigs could fly, imagine what their wings would taste like!
A man told his friend, "I have two daughters. Both are girls."
Boss: Where were you born?
Boss: Which part?
Sardarji: What do you mean which part? My whole body was born in India!
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