Down in the south where coconuts grow, an elephant stepped on a mosquito's toe. The mosquito jumped up with tears in his eyes and said, "Excuse me but you're not my size."
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, that little boy asked, "Why?"
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered, "Yes." Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth!"
The dad replied, "Well son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree."
A teacher said, "Children, stand in a straight circle!"
Counselor: Why is your nose swelling?
Camper: I bent over to smell a brose.
Counselor: There is no b in rose.
Camper: There was a bee in this one.
Teacher: What is the purpose of having school?
Student: Without school, there wouldn't be a reason for holidays and summer vacation.
Moe: Does your undershirt have holes in it?
Joe: No, why?
Moe: Then how do you get it on in the morning?
My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
Joey: Little Joey can't come to school today.
Joey: He is sick
Principal: Who is this?
Joey: It's my dad.
One day a little boy made his mom a cup of coffee. It wasn't the best tasting coffee but she drank it to be nice. When the cup was all gone the mom saw the boys toy soldiers in the bottom of the cup. So the mom asked why they were there. The boy simply replied, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."
Teacher: Fred, the story you handed in called "Our Dog," is exactly like your brother's.
Fred: Of course. It's the same dog.
Dad: Why is your test score so low?
Girl: Because of absence.
Dad: You were absent?
Girl: No, the girl next to me was.
The moon goes to the hair dresser. The moon sits down and the sun comes to do his hair. The sun says to the moon, "Before I start on your hair, do you have any-clips?"
There were three construction workers. The first man always had ham and cheese, the second had salami and swiss, and the third a hot dog. They all said, "If I get that for lunch again, I will jump off the Empire State Building!!"
The next day, the first guy got ham and cheese for lunch. So he jumped off the Empire State Building. His wife said, "I should have packed him something different!!"
The guy who had salami and swiss also jumped off the Empire State Building. His wife said, "I should have packed something different for my husband!!"
The third guy got a hot dog again, so he jumped off the Empire State Building. His wife said, "Why did he do that? He packs his own lunch!!"
A sea serpent saw a big tanker,
bit a hole in her side and then sank'er
in a minute or two,
it swallowed the crew,
then picked its teeth with the anchor.
Think about the phrase " There are plenty of other fish in the sea," but then again, who would want to date fish?
Once there was a scientist doing a test on a frog. He told the frog to jump, so it jumped. The scientist wrote in his notes, "4 legs-jumps."
Then the scientist cut off one of the frog's front legs and said, "Jump." The frog jumped. The scientist wrote in his notes, "3 legs-jumps."
Then the scientist cut off the frog's other front leg and said, "Jump," and the frog jumped. The scientist wrote in his notes, "2 legs-jumps."
Then the scientist cut off one of the frog's back legs and said, "Jump," and the frog jumped. So the scientist wrote in his notes, "1 leg jump."
Then the scientist cut off the last leg and said, "Jump," and the frog didn't move. So the scientist said it again, but it still didn't move, so in his notes the scientist wrote, "No legs-goes deaf."
"Teacher, Teacher I need to pee!"
"Let me hear your ABC's."
"Okay, A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y and Z."
"Good job, except where is the P?"
"Halfway down my leg!"
Mother: Swimming makes you slim and trim.
Son: I don't think that's true.
Son: Look at the ducks, they are fat and stout!
Tel: That's funny, my shaving brush is very stiff this morning!
Jack: But it was nice and soft when I painted the fence with it yesterday.
Girl: What did one ocean say to the other?
Girl: Nothing, they just waved!
Girl: Do you SEA what I did there?
Boy: Um no?
Girl: I'm SHORE you did!
A man is sitting in a pub feeling rather poor. He sees the man next to him pull a wad of $50 notes out of his wallet. He turns to the rich man and says, "I have an amazing talent. I know almost every song that has ever existed." The rich man laughs. The poor man says, "I am willing to bet you all the money you have in your wallet that I can sing a genuine song with a lady's name of your choice in it."
The rich man laughs again and says, "Ok, how about my daughter's name, Joanna Armstrong Miller."
The poor man begins, "Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Joanna Armstrong Miller, happy birthday to you!"
You are in a closed iron box. It is ten feet tall and you are three inches tall. All you have is a bat and ball. How do you get out?
You try to hit the ball once. You miss. Strike 1.
You try to hit the ball again. You miss. Strike 2.
You try to hit the ball again. You miss. Strike 3.
You are out!
A teacher once asked a boy, "Where is the Dead Sea?"
The boy replied, "Miss, I never knew it was sick."
A man told his friend, "I have two daughters. Both are girls."
Jokes continue below video…
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow," said her father, "that was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
The insects were playing against a team of flies. The flies were winning 30to 0. At the third quarter the insects put a millepede in the game, he scored a total of 50 points. At the end of the game the coach of the flies asked the coach of the insects, "Why didn't you put the millepede in the first quarter?"
"Because it takes him forever to put his shoes on!"
Teacher: Who is smart? Put up your hand.
Then all the students except Ken raise their hand.
Teacher: Ken, why aren't you raising your hand?
Ken: Because if I raise my hand than you'll be all alone.
Roses are red
Voilets aren't gray
I give you this card
Now give me an A
A teacher asked a boy a question after she had read her lesson. The boy just held his ears and shut his mouth
"Why are you not giving me any answer?"
"Because what ever you taught me goes in my ears and if I open my mouth, I will forget everything you said."
There was a man carrying a lobster. His friend said, "What are you doing with that lobster under your arm?"
The man replied, "I am taking him to dinner."
The lobster spoke out, "I already had dinner, can we go to the movies instead?"
Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4?
Student: That's not fair! You answered the easy ones and left me with the hard one!
A woman walks into a bar and sits down next to a guy near a dog. The woman asks, "Does your dog bite?"
The guy replied,"No."
The woman reached down to pet the dog and it bit her. "I thought you said he didn't bite," she yelled.
"That's not my dog," he yelled!
Patient: Oh Dr. Nerdy! Everyone seems to ignore me! It's like I'm invisi-
Dr. Nerdy: Next, please!
Nani: A man walks into a library and says fghgfhvyjj tytutyhhrty. What does the man want?
Nani: I don't know, I am not the librarian!
I started reading a book about anti-gravity and now I can’t put it down.
A girl went out one day and when she came back her house was on fire. She called the fire department and the lady that answered the phone told her to calm down. Then the lady asked, "How do we get to your house?"
The girl replied, "DUH! On your big red truck!"
Jeddah: I can make you say yellow.
Alexis: Try me.
Jeddah: Okay. What's the color of this?
Jeddah: See I told you I could make you say yellow?
Alexis: I didn't say yellow!!
Jeddah: Ha, ha, you just did!
My wife still misses me but her aim's getting better!
If Barbie's so popular then why do you have to buy her a boyfriend?
One day three women walked into a bar. The bartender said that if they looked into the mirror and told the truth they would get $10,000.00. But if they told a lie, they would disappear forever.
The first girl went up and said, "I think I'm the prettiest one in the bar." She got $10,000.00.
The next girl went up and said, "I think I'm the smartest one in the bar." She got $10,000.00 too.
The last girl went up and said, "I think..." and POOF, she was gone.
Dentist: Stop making a face, I haven't even touched your teeth .
Tommy: I know, but you're stepping on my foot!
Tim: Winter is here.
Tom: Don't answer the door.
"I don't know how you sleep in this mess!" A mother exclaimed to her son when she went into his room.
"Easy mom," he replied, "I just close my eyes."
Erin: Hey Taya, did you hear the joke about the bed?
Taya: No, what is it?
Erin: Never mind, it hasn't been made up yet.
There is a girl who has never ridden a horse. She gets on a horse for the first time. The horse starts to trot, then gallop. The girl gets scared and falls to the underside of the horse. The girl is getting trampled by the unknowing horse, and at the brink of being knocked out, when Willy the Wal-Mart worker unplugs the electric horse.
A teacher asked a girl, "How was the Red Sea formed?"
The girl said, "Sorry Miss, I don't know who painted it."
There was a man and he was walking a lion on the side of the street when a policeman came and said, "Sir please don't walk your lion on the side of the street because its very dangerous. Why don't you take him to the zoo?!"
The man agreed with him and took his lion to the zoo.
The next day the policeman saw the man walking his lion again and told him the same thing but the man said, "I already took him to the zoo and he liked it a lot, now I'm going to take him to the movies."
Martin Luther Chicken Jr. says: "I dream of a world where chickens can cross roads and not be questioned of their reason!"
There was a man who wanted to prove his love to his wife. So he climbed the highest mountain, swam the deepest ocean and walked the biggest desert. What do you think his wife said? She didn't say anything! She divorced him for never being at home!
Lady: Doctor! Doctor! I only have one minute to live.
Doctor: Okay! Just a minute!
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