When my brother told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down.
When Dad came home he was astonished to see Alec sitting on a horse writing something. "What on earth are you doing up there?" Dad asked.
"Well the teacher told us to write an essay on our favourite animal. That's why I'm up here and sitting on the goldfish bowl!"
A man walks into a computer store.
Store Owner: Hello sir! Welcome to The Computer store!
Man: I would like to buy a computer that sings really well.
Owner: Well, we have Macs.
Man: No, no.
Owner: Would you like to look at our PC collection?
Owner: How about you buy a dell? (Adele)
Man: NOW THAT'S A SINGING COMPUTER!
Three girls have a car crash and they all die. When they get up to the gates of heaven Saint Peter says, "Inside heaven there are lots of ducks, if you stand on one you will be given a terrible punishment!" The first girl steps on a duck and gets tied to a really ugly man, then the second girl steps on a duck and she gets tied to a really ugly man. The third girl doesn't step on a duck, so she walks along and a really handsome man gets tied to her and she said, "WOW, what have I done to deserve this?"
The really handsome man said, "I don't know, but I stepped on a duck!"
You are in a closed iron box. It is ten feet tall and you are three inches tall. All you have is a bat and ball. How do you get out?
You try to hit the ball once. You miss. Strike 1.
You try to hit the ball again. You miss. Strike 2.
You try to hit the ball again. You miss. Strike 3.
You are out!
Moe: Does your undershirt have holes in it?
Joe: No, why?
Moe: Then how do you get it on in the morning?
A teacher said, "Children, stand in a straight circle!"
One day a little boy made his mom a cup of coffee. It wasn't the best tasting coffee but she drank it to be nice. When the cup was all gone the mom saw the boys toy soldiers in the bottom of the cup. So the mom asked why they were there. The boy simply replied, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."
The insects were playing against a team of flies. The flies were winning 30 to 0. At the third quarter the insects put a millepede in the game, he scored a total of 50 points. At the end of the game the coach of the flies asked the coach of the insects, "Why didn't you put the millepede in the first quarter?"
"Because it takes him forever to put his shoes on!"
My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
A sea serpent saw a big tanker,
bit a hole in her side and then sank'er
in a minute or two,
it swallowed the crew,
then picked its teeth with the anchor.
Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your dad for another, how much would you have?
Boy: One dollar.
Teacher: Are you sure?
Boy: Yes, my dad wouldn't give me a dollar!
A man walked into a pub and bought a sandwich, then a panda walked into the pub and stole the sandwich, ate it, shoots the barman and leaves. So the man goes out and says to the panda, "Why did you eat my sandwich, shoot the barman and then just leave?"
The panda says, "Look panda up in the dictionary."
So he looked Panda up and read: Eats shoots and leaves.
A newspaper reporter submitted a story about the theft of 2,025 pigs.
His editor, struck at the size of the theft, called the farmer to confirm.
"Is it true that you lost two thousand twenty-five pigs?" he asked.
"Yeth," said the farmer.
The editor thanked him, hung up, and changed the phrase to "two sows and 25 pigs."
Teacher: Who was the first woman on earth?
Boy: I don't know?
Teacher: Think of the apple story.
Boy: I know, Granny Smith!
A little boy stops in front of a church with his bike and he sees the priest come out. The priest says, "Come inside, I want to show you something." The little boy says to the priest, "But somebody will steal my bike." The priest says to him, "Don't worry, the Holy Spirit will watch it."
So the little boy goes inside and the priest says, "Let me show you how to do the sign of the cross. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen. Now, you try it." So the boy says, "In the name of the Father and the Son, Amen." The priest asks, "What happened to the Holy Spirit?" The boy replied "He's outside,
watching my bike."
See this finger here? Yesterday I whacked it with a hammer. I think I hit the wrong nail!
Dad writes on son's Facebook wall:
"Dear Son, How are you? All is fine here. We miss you a lot. Please turn off your computer and come down for dinner. Love Dad"
When the dentist had a appointment with his friend it was at 2:30.
Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Harold: A teacher.
Boss: Where were you born?
Boss: Which part?
Sardarji: What do you mean which part? My whole body was born in India!
Once this guy wanted a pet bird so he walked into this pet store with a sign that said 'MAGICAL PETS'. Once he was in the pet store he understood why. There were dogs with no ears or eyes, cats dancing on their hands, rabbits that could only say ribbit, and finally in the far, far corner a parrot that looked like it was doing nothing at all. So the guy walked up to the manager and said, "What is so magical about that parrot over there?"
The manager smiled and said, "I will show you." So they walked over to the back of the room and the manager pulled the parrot's left leg. Before the guy knew it the parrot was singing the national anthem!
"WOW!" the guy said. "What happens if you pull his right leg?" So the manager pulled the parrot's right leg and the parrot sang Your A Grand Old Flag! "WOW!!!" The guy said. "What about both legs?"
But before the manager could say a word the parrot said, "I'll fall stupid!"
Patient: Doctor! Doctor! I think I am losing my memory!
Doctor: When did that happen?
Patient: When did what happen!
There was once a cookie saying, "I'm a cookie, I'm a cookie, I'm a cookie."
A lady came along and told him to be quiet. She poked him in the middle. Then the cookie looked at his stomach and said, "I'm a donut, I'm a donut, I'm a donut."
Jokes continue below video…
A little girl was staying at her grandmothers for the night because her parents were going out for the night. The little girl said, "May I please borrow the toilet?"
Her grandmother replied, "Certainly, but make sure you put it back once you're done with it!"
Jeddah: I can make you say yellow.
Alexis: Try me.
Jeddah: Okay. What's the color of this?
Jeddah: See I told you I could make you say yellow?
Alexis: I didn't say yellow!!
Jeddah: Ha, ha, you just did!
A girl walks into a library and says, "I'd like a cheeseburger and some fries."
The librarian says, "This a library."
The girl whispers to the librarian, "I'd like a cheeseburger and some fries."
A teacher asked a girl, "How was the Red Sea formed?"
The girl said, "Sorry Miss, I don't know who painted it."
Patient: Doctor, Doctor! Last night I had a dream I ate a giant marshmallow!
Doctor: That's nice, so what's the problem?
Patient: Well, when I woke up my pillow was gone!
A teacher said to his students, "Give me a sentence with lettuce."
The students said, "Lettuce out of school early!"
A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"
A man is in the hospital and he can't talk. All of a sudden the man's wife comes in the room and stands in the corner. The man starts to act like something's wrong. So the doctor gives him a sheet of paper and pencil. The man writes something down and as soon as he finishes he folds the paper and dies. The doctor gets the note and gives it to the wife. She is curious she reads the note. It said, "You are standing on my oxygen cord."
58 Things to do in an Elevator
1. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
5. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
6. Ask, "Did you feel that?"
7. Swat at flies that don't exist.
8. Call out, "Group hug!", then enforce it.
9. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
10. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
11. Make race car noises when people get on and off.
12. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to the other passengers.
13. Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering "Shut up! All of you just shut up!"
14. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a small world" incessantly.
15. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
16. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
18. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peeking inside ask "Got enough air in there?"
19. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
20. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
21. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
22. Lean over to another passenger and whisper "Enjoying the ride?"
23. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral".
25. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
26. Do Tai Chi exercises.
27. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while and then announce: "I've got new socks on".
28. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh not now! stupid motion sickness!"
29. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
30. Meow occasionally.
31. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter into your nose.
32. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
33. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.
34. Holler "Chutes Away!" whenever the elevator descends.
35. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
36. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of them!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
37. Leave a box between the doors.
38. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
39. Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.
40. Start a sing-a-long.
41. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?"
42. Play the accordion.
43. Shadow box.
44. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
45. Lean against the button panel.
46. Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.
47. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
48. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".
49. Bring a chair along.
50. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
51. Blow spit bubbles.
52. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
53. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
54. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
55. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
56. Wear "X-ray Specs" and leer at other passengers.
57. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."
58. If anyone touches you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!"
A horse walked into the bar and the bartender said, "Why the long face?"
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Teacher: How do you spell Mississippi?
George: The state or the river?
Once a little boy was at his first wedding. After the ceremony the boy's cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
The boy replied, "16."
The boy's cousin was surprised he answered so quickly and asked, "Why 16?"
The boy replied, "4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
I guess they found a cure for Bieber Fever, because now everyone's got One Direction Infection!
Patient: Doctor, Doctor. I think I'm turning into curtains.
Doctor: Pull your self together!
One day a big tortoise, a middle sized tortoise and a small tortoise went into a cafe. They ordered three banana splits. While they were waiting they noticed it had begun to rain. "Look at that," said the big tortoise, "we should have brought our umbrella."
"You're right," said the middle tortoise. "Let's send the little one back to get it."
"I'll go," said the little one. "But only if you promise not to eat my banana split."
The big tortoise and the middle tortoise promised.
A few days later the big tortoise said to the middle tortoise, "Come on, let's eat his banana spilt any way."
"All right," said the middle tortoise.
At that moment the little tortoise shouted from the end of the cafe, "You do that and I won't get your umbrella!"
Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
Donald: H I J K L M N O.
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Donald: Yesterday you said it was H to O.
If pigs could fly, imagine what their wings would taste like!
1st Cannibal: Am I late for dinner?
2nd Cannibal: Yes, every one's eaten.
A cat died in a house. The servant started crying badly.
Master: It is only a cat that has died, why are you crying so much?
Servant: Master, when the cat was there I used to drink the milk and put the blame on it. Now on whom will I put the blame?
Two girls were watching the 11 o'clock news when the first girl said, "I bet you five dollars that the man jumps off the building."
The second girl said, "You're on."
Well, five minutes later the guy jumped off the building. The first girl said," I can't take your money, I saw the five o'clock news."
The second girl said, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd be stupid enough to do it again."
Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
Louie: Because George still had the axe in his hand?
Emma: Do you know what echo means?
John: Can you repeat that?
Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell Crocodile?
Teacher: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
A teacher once asked a boy, "Where is the Dead Sea?"
The boy replied, "Miss, I never knew it was sick."
A neutron walks into a bar, buys a drink then asks how much for his drink. The bartender says, "For you, no charge."
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