A man walks into a dental office and says to the dentist, "I think I'm a moth."
The dentist says, "What!"
The man says, "I think I'm a moth."
The dentists says, "You need a phsycologist, not a dentist. Why'd you come in here?"
The man says, "Because your light was on."
A teenager saw twins and said to her friend, "I really need to see the doctor! I am seeing double!"
A man went to a restaurant and ordered soup. When the waitress came to give the soup to the man, he said, "Excuse me, I saw your thumb in my soup."
The waitress said, "Oh, it's okay. It wasn't hot."
Peter: You wrote only one book and you call yourself an author?
John: You married only once and you call yourself a husband?
A girl walks into a library and says, "I'd like a cheeseburger and some fries."
The librarian says, "This a library."
The girl whispers to the librarian, "I'd like a cheeseburger and some fries."
A mother snake bought a gift for her son's birthday. The son was so thrilled he hissed, "Mommy! Help me open it. I'm crawling out of my skin with excitement!"
England may not have a kidney bank but at least it has a Liverpool.
A teacher asked a girl, "How was the Red Sea formed?"
The girl said, "Sorry Miss, I don't know who painted it."
Boy: God, what is a thousand years to you?
God: A second.
Boy: God, what is a thousand dollars to you?
God: A penny.
Boy: God, can I have a penny?
God: Sure, just a second.
If teachers are so smart then why are they in school?
There is a California dude going through a desert. He's wearing shorts, sunglasses, a towel and listening to music on his walkman. He's having a good time. Suddenly he sees a caravan approaching. He stops the men and asks them cheerfully, "Hey dudes how far is the sea?"
They look at each other and say, "Two thousand miles!"
And he says, "Wow what a cool beach!!!"
Mom: What did you learn on your first day of school?
Child: Not enough, they want me to come back tomorrow!
Mother: Swimming makes you slim and trim.
Son: I don't think that's true.
Son: Look at the ducks, they are fat and stout!
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
2 fish went down an alley, one go battered!
Dad writes on son's Facebook wall:
"Dear Son, How are you? All is fine here. We miss you a lot. Please turn off your computer and come down for dinner. Love Dad"
A teacher asked her first grade class to bring their birth certificates to class. When the time came to give them to her, David stood up and said very politely, "Teacher, I forgot my excuse for being born."
Girl: What did one ocean say to the other?
Girl: Nothing, they just waved!
Girl: Do you SEA what I did there?
Boy: Um no?
Girl: I'm SHORE you did!
Said to a railroad engineer: What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The reply from the railroad engineer: How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?
Two girls were watching the 11 o'clock news when the first girl said, "I bet you five dollars that the man jumps off the building."
The second girl said, "You're on."
Well, five minutes later the guy jumped off the building. The first girl said," I can't take your money, I saw the five o'clock news."
The second girl said, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd be stupid enough to do it again."
A horse walked into the bar and the bartender said, "Why the long face?"
Doctor: What's your problem?
Patient: Doctor, I don't know why nobody wants to talk to me.
Doctor: Nurse, call the next patient!
One day 3 people were climbing up a mountain when they saw a genie. They went to the genie and the genie said they each could turn into one thing. So the first person went up and ran off the mountain and yelled, "Flying squirrel!" He turned into a flying squirrel.
The second person ran and said, "Bat!" and he turned into a bat.
Now it was the third person's turn, he ran and just as he was about to say what he wanted to be he saw his shoes weren't tied and he said, "Stupid shoelaces!" and, well, he became stupid shoelaces.
Martin Luther Chicken Jr. says: "I dream of a world where chickens can cross roads and not be questioned of their reason!"
Jokes continue below video…
Teacher: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No, sir. It's the same dog.
There were two cows standing in a field talking to each other. They were talking about Mr. Brown's cows having Mad Cow Disease, when one of the cows said, "It's a good thing we're chickens."
There's this man, he walks up to this lady's door. The lady answers it. The man says, "I'm terribly sorry. I just ran over your cat. I'd like to replace it." Then the woman says. "How good are you at catching mice?"
Kermit the Frog walks into a loan place and goes up to a lady working there. He notices her name tag says Patti Wak. Kermit asks if he can take out a loan and she says, "I am going to have to see an IOU." Kermit takes out a piggy bank from his pocket and says here it is. Patti Wak asks what it is and he tells her it's his IOU. Young man I am going to have to call your parents, "What's their number?"
"Hello who is this?"
"This is Mick Jagger."
Patti Wak talks to Mick Jagger then talks to her manager. The manager says, "Nik Nak Patti Wak give this frog a loan his old man is a Rolling Stone."
The moon goes to the hair dresser. The moon sits down and the sun comes to do his hair. The sun says to the moon, "Before I start on your hair, do you have any-clips?"
58 Things to do in an Elevator
1. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
5. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
6. Ask, "Did you feel that?"
7. Swat at flies that don't exist.
8. Call out, "Group hug!", then enforce it.
9. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
10. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
11. Make race car noises when people get on and off.
12. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to the other passengers.
13. Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering "Shut up! All of you just shut up!"
14. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a small world" incessantly.
15. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
16. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
18. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peeking inside ask "Got enough air in there?"
19. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
20. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
21. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
22. Lean over to another passenger and whisper "Enjoying the ride?"
23. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral".
25. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
26. Do Tai Chi exercises.
27. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while and then announce: "I've got new socks on".
28. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh not now! stupid motion sickness!"
29. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
30. Meow occasionally.
31. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter into your nose.
32. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
33. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.
34. Holler "Chutes Away!" whenever the elevator descends.
35. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
36. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of them!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
37. Leave a box between the doors.
38. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
39. Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.
40. Start a sing-a-long.
41. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?"
42. Play the accordion.
43. Shadow box.
44. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
45. Lean against the button panel.
46. Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.
47. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
48. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".
49. Bring a chair along.
50. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
51. Blow spit bubbles.
52. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
53. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
54. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
55. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
56. Wear "X-ray Specs" and leer at other passengers.
57. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."
58. If anyone touches you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!"
Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Teacher: How many seconds in a minute?
Teacher: How many minutes in an hour?
Teacher: Good, now for a hard one, how many seconds in a year?
Student: Yes, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...
One day a little boy made his mom a cup of coffee. It wasn't the best tasting coffee but she drank it to be nice. When the cup was all gone the mom saw the boys toy soldiers in the bottom of the cup. So the mom asked why they were there. The boy simply replied, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."
Erin: Hey Taya, did you hear the joke about the bed?
Taya: No, what is it?
Erin: Never mind, it hasn't been made up yet.
"Teacher, Teacher I need to pee!"
"Let me hear your ABC's."
"Okay, A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y and Z."
"Good job, except where is the P?"
"Halfway down my leg!"
If Barbie's so popular then why do you have to buy her a boyfriend?
One day a lady got sick of all the insulting jokes about women so she decided to prove to her husband that she wasn't stupid. She decided to paint a couple of rooms while he was at work. As soon as her husband left she sprung into action and started painting the rooms. When her husband came back he smelt the smell of paint and he saw his wife on the floor in a pool of sweat. She was wearing a coat and a jacket. Her husband asked her if she was okay. She said yes and that she was smart. He asked why's that. I followed the rules on the can and I painted the rooms. She said, "THE CAN SAID FOR BEST RESULTS PUT ON TWO COATS."
Once there were two chocolate bunnies and one had their ear bit off. One said, "Happy Easter."
"Huh?" Said the other.
Guy 1: What's a pirate's favorite letter?
Guy 2: R! (Argh!)
Guy 1: You may think it's the R but it's actually the C! (sea)
There is a girl who has never ridden a horse. She gets on a horse for the first time. The horse starts to trot, then gallop. The girl gets scared and falls to the underside of the horse. The girl is getting trampled by the unknowing horse, and at the brink of being knocked out, when Willy the Wal-Mart worker unplugs the electric horse.
Coca Cola went to town
Pepsi Max shot him down
Dr. Pepper helped him up
Now they are drinking 7 Up.
There was a pig on the side of the road and a man came and picked him up. A cop saw him driving with the pig in his car. The cop pulled him over and said, "What are you doing with a pig in your front seat?"
The man said, "I'm taking him to the zoo."
And the cop said, "Oh, alright."
The next day the cop saw the same man with the same pig in his front seat, he pulled him over and asked, "What are you doing with that pig? I thought you were taking him to the zoo."
"I did, and today we're going to Disneyland."
Student: Teacher, Teacher!
Student: Can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: After you recite the alphabet.
Student: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z!
Teacher: Where did the P go?
Student: It's running down my leg!
One day a lady was walking down the street with her baby and a man insulted her terribly by saying, "Why that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen!"
The lady was so devastated she sat down beside a tree and started sobbing, then a lady showed up and said, "What is the matter honey?"
The lady answered, "See that man over there? He said I have the ugliest baby."
"Why lady don't cry, I've got you a tissue for you and a banana for your monkey!"
Screen door: Something kids get a bang out of!
Three pigs walked into a restaurant and the waiter asked them what they would like to drink. The first pig wanted Coke, the second Sprite and the third wanted water, lots and lots of water.
The waiter came back to ask for the main course and the first pig wanted salad, the second wanted chicken and the third pig wanted water, lots and lots of water.
The waiter came back and asked for their dessert choices. The first pig wanted cake, the second wanted cupcakes and the third pig wanted water, lots and lots of water.
The waiter was curious and asked the third pig, "Why do you want so much water?"
The third little pig smiled and said, "I'm the little pig that goes, wee, wee, wee all the way home"
My wife still misses me but her aim's getting better!
When Dad came home he was astonished to see Alec sitting on a horse writing something. "What on earth are you doing up there?" Dad asked.
"Well the teacher told us to write an essay on our favourite animal. That's why I'm up here and sitting on the goldfish bowl!"
On the day before Thanksgiving there was a parrot who said bad words a lot. His owner got so annoyed he stuffed the parrot in the freezer. After the owner had calmed down he got the parrot out of the freezer, the parrot politely asked, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
A teacher asked a boy a question after she had read her lesson. The boy just held his ears and shut his mouth
"Why are you not giving me any answer?"
"Because what ever you taught me goes in my ears and if I open my mouth, I will forget everything you said."
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