Squigly Squigly's Jokes and Riddles

Funny Jokes

We've got lots of funny jokes for you! These jokes have been submitted by kids from all over the world. We know they will make you LOL! :D

I guess they found a cure for Bieber Fever, because now everyone's got One Direction Infection!
 

"Ggggggggggggggggggggggggggg," said the frog.
"You've got a frog in your throat," said the other frog.
 

Boy: Did you know that in Colorado there are no carnivals?
Girl: No fair? No fair!
 

Bill: My sister has lovely long red hair all down her back.
Will: Pity it's not on her head.
 

Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
John: You told me to do it without using tables.
 

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow," said her father, "that was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
 

One day three women walked into a bar. The bartender said that if they looked into the mirror and told the truth they would get $10,000.00. But if they told a lie, they would disappear forever.

The first girl went up and said, "I think I'm the prettiest one in the bar." She got $10,000.00.

The next girl went up and said, "I think I'm the smartest one in the bar." She got $10,000.00 too.

The last girl went up and said, "I think..." and POOF, she was gone.
 

Fayad: Hey, Prasant where does the sun go at night?
Prasant: Ah, Fayad, you are so foolish. It doesn't go anywhere, we just can't see it because it's dark out.
 

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Tim: Winter is here.
Tom: Don't answer the door.
 

A man decided to start a chicken farm and brought 24 to get started. A week later he bought another 24 and another 24 the week after that. When his friend asked how his chicken farm was coming along the man replied, "Not one of them has grown yet. I wonder if I'm planting them too deep?"
 

Patient: Oh Dr. Nerdy! Everyone seems to ignore me! It's like I'm invisi-
Dr. Nerdy: Next, please!
 

If teachers are so smart then why are they in school?
 

I am lost. I've gone to look for myself. If I happen to return before I get back, then please ask me to wait.
 

There were three people. One was called Nobody, the second was called Somebody and third Crazy. One day Nobody killed Somebody. Crazy called the police and said, "Nobody killed Somebody!"
The police asked, "Are you crazy?"
"Yes I am. How did you know?"
 

Sam's mom had four kids, Enie, Menie, Miney, and Sam. One day Sam asked his mom, "Why didn't you name me Moe?"
To which she replied, "'Cause I didn't want no Moe."
 

Once there was an alien that came from space. He heard the words, "He stole my lollipop." Then he went to the utensils store and heard, "Forks and knives." Then he went to the electricity store and heard, "Plug it in, plug it in."

When he went back to his spaceship he noticed the police were there. They asked him what was wrong and he said, "He stole my lollipop."
"What did you do to him?" They asked.
"Forks and knives," replied the alien.
"If you resist arrest we will have to tazer you?"
"Plug it in, plug it in!"
 

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A little girl was staying at her grandmothers for the night because her parents were going out for the night. The little girl said, "May I please borrow the toilet?"
Her grandmother replied, "Certainly, but make sure you put it back once you're done with it!"
 

The orchestra had finished their practice for the night and the conductor said,"Good night everyone!" The next morning at practice he said, "Cello everyone!"
 

An airplane was falling from the sky. Four were aboard, a doctor, a vet, the pilot, and a man who thought he was the smartest person in the world. There were only three parachutes.
Doctor: I'm a doctor, so I should jump down first.
So he took a parachute and jumped off the plane.
The smartest person in the world: Well, I'm the smartest man in the world so I should jump off next.
So he took a bag and jumped off. There were two people left.
Pilot: How will we decide who jumps off next?
Vet: We don't have to, the smartest man in the world just jumped off with my backpack.
 

The insects were playing against a team of flies. The flies were winning 30 to 0. At the third quarter the insects put a millepede in the game, he scored a total of 50 points. At the end of the game the coach of the flies asked the coach of the insects, "Why didn't you put the millepede in the first quarter?"
"Because it takes him forever to put his shoes on!"
 

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, that little boy asked, "Why?"
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered, "Yes." Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth!"
The dad replied, "Well son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree."
 

Lisa: I lost my pet dinosaur.
Danny: Why don't you put an ad in the newspaper?
Lisa: What good would that do, she can't read!
 

It was the first day of school and the teacher asked all the troublemakers to stand up. Finally this girl stood up and the teacher asked, "Are you a troublemaker?"
The girl said, "No." The teacher asked why she was standing and the girl said, "You looked lonely."
 

One bright day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other.
Drew there swords and shot each other.
The deaf police man heard the noise
Came and shot the two dead boys.
If you don' believe this lie is true
ask the blind man he saw it too.
 

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When the dentist had a appointment with his friend it was at 2:30.
 

There were three girls going for a hike in the desert. The first girl said, "I'll bring water in case we get thirsty."
The second said, "I'll bring food in case we get hungry."
The last said, "I'll bring the car door, so if we get hot we can roll the window down!"
 

Now I lay my head to rest
A pile of books upon my chest
If I shall die before I wake
That's one less test I have to take.
 

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
 

One day a lady got sick of all the insulting jokes about women so she decided to prove to her husband that she wasn't stupid. She decided to paint a couple of rooms while he was at work. As soon as her husband left she sprung into action and started painting the rooms. When her husband came back he smelt the smell of paint and he saw his wife on the floor in a pool of sweat. She was wearing a coat and a jacket. Her husband asked her if she was okay. She said yes and that she was smart. He asked why's that. I followed the rules on the can and I painted the rooms. She said, "THE CAN SAID FOR BEST RESULTS PUT ON TWO COATS."
 

When Dad came home he was astonished to see Alec sitting on a horse writing something. "What on earth are you doing up there?" Dad asked.
"Well the teacher told us to write an essay on our favourite animal. That's why I'm up here and sitting on the goldfish bowl!"
 

Teacher: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
Glen: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
 

Mum: Eat your roast chicken, it's got iron it!
Jack: No wonder it is tough!
 

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