Squigly Squigly's Jokes and Riddles

Funny Jokes

We've got lots of funny jokes for you! These jokes have been submitted by kids from all over the world. We know they will make you LOL! :D

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, will this ointment clear up my spots?
Doctor: I never make rash promises.
 

Kermit the Frog walks into a loan place and goes up to a lady working there. He notices her name tag says Patti Wak. Kermit asks if he can take out a loan and she says, "I am going to have to see an IOU." Kermit takes out a piggy bank from his pocket and says here it is. Patti Wak asks what it is and he tells her it's his IOU. Young man I am going to have to call your parents, "What's their number?"
"555-8937."
"Hello who is this?"
"This is Mick Jagger."
Patti Wak talks to Mick Jagger then talks to her manager. The manager says, "Nik Nak Patti Wak give this frog a loan his old man is a Rolling Stone."
 

Person 1: Did you hear about the ball player they put in jail?
Person 2: No.
Person 1: He stole all the bases!
 

Man: Give me some shampoo.
Shopkeeper: Here you are.
Man: What is free in this?
Shopkeeper: Nothing.
Man: Do not tell lies, sir. This is dandruff free.
 

If Barbie's so popular then why do you have to buy her a boyfriend?
 

Martin Luther Chicken Jr. says: "I dream of a world where chickens can cross roads and not be questioned of their reason!"
 

Man: Doctor! Doctor! I ate the key for my door.
Doctor: When did you eat it?
Man: About two months ago.
Doctor: Why are you coming in now?
Man: Because at that time I had another key.
 

Teacher: Who is smart? Put up your hand.
Then all the students except Ken raise their hand.
Teacher: Ken, why aren't you raising your hand?
Ken: Because if I raise my hand than you'll be all alone.
 

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There was a family of tomatoes, the father tomato, the mother tomato and the baby tomato. They were walking down the road one day and baby tomato kept lagging behind. So finally the father tomato went back and stepped on him and said, "Catch up!"
 

A teacher once asked a boy, "Where is the Dead Sea?"
The boy replied, "Miss, I never knew it was sick."
 

Boy: Dad, Dad the canary flew out of its cage while I was cleaning the cage.
Dad: What did you clean it with?
Boy: A vacuum cleaner.
 

A man once said he bet I couldn't name a landmark in Egypt. I replied, "You Sphinx?"
 

Once there was a boy who needed to do his home work. His homework was to write down his family's favourite words.
So when he got home he asked his mom who was listening to the radio, "What is your favourite word mom?"
"Shut up!" So he wrote that down.
Then he went to his dad who was watching football and his favourite team had just scored a goal, so the little boy asked his dad,"What is your favourite word dad?"
"Yeah!" So he wrote that down.
Next he went to his big sister and he asked her, "What is your favourite word?"
She was listening to her favourite CD and said, "A lollipop, a lollipop, a lollipop." So he wrote that down.
Next he went to his brother. He was watching the end of Batman, he asked him, "What is your favourite word?"
"Nananananananana Batman!" so he wrote that down.
Then he went to his baby sister who was playing with her cars. So he asked her, "What is your favourite word?"
"Voom, voom car, a voom, voom car." So he wrote that down.
The next day at school, the teacher asked him to share his homework with the class
He said, "Shut up!"
The teacher said, "Do you want to go to the principal's office?"
"Yeah!"
"What do you think you deserve?"
"A lollipop, a lollipop, a lollipop."
"Who do you think you are?"
"Nananananananana Batman!"
"What do you think you are going to get away with?"
"Voom, voom car, a voom, voom car."
 

When the dentist had a appointment with his friend it was at 2:30.
 

Judge: Don't you have common sense? Why did you rob the shop again and again?
Thief: The board hanging on the shop says "Thank you, come again."
 

Doctor: Next please!
Patient: Can you help me out please?
Doctor: Which way did you come in?
 

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A small boy is asked to find out what the first 4 letters of the alphabet are for his homework.
"Mum, what's the first letter of the alphabet?"
"Shut up and go away," she replied.
The boy went to his dad. "Dad, what's the second letter of the alphabet?"
"YYYYEEEAAAHHH!!!" The boy's dad roared; football was on the TV and his team had scored.
"Brother, what is the third letter of the alphabet?" The boy asked his brother, who was playing with his action men.
"Action Man, the greatest hero of them all!" He cried.
"Sister, what is the fourth letter of the alphabet?" The boy's sister was playing with her Barbie dolls.
"Drive away in the Barbie car, beep, beep!" The boy's sister sang.

The next day in school the teacher asked the boy what the first letter was.
"Shut up and go away!" He replied.
"Do you want to see the head teacher?" Teacher yells.
"YEAH!!"
The boy is sent to the head teacher.
"Who do you think you are?" The headmaster shouts in his face.
"Action Man, the greatest hero of them all!"
"How do you think you're going to get away with this?"
"Drive away in the Barbie car, beep, beep!"
 

Teacher: How many seconds in a minute?
Student: 60
Teacher: How many minutes in an hour?
Student: 60
Teacher: Good, now for a hard one, how many seconds in a year?
Student: 12
Teacher: 12?
Student: Yes, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...
 

Two girls were watching the 11 o'clock news when the first girl said, "I bet you five dollars that the man jumps off the building."
The second girl said, "You're on."
Well, five minutes later the guy jumped off the building. The first girl said," I can't take your money, I saw the five o'clock news."
The second girl said, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd be stupid enough to do it again."
 

A girl walks into a library and says, "I'd like a cheeseburger and some fries."
The librarian says, "This a library."
The girl whispers to the librarian, "I'd like a cheeseburger and some fries."
 

A little boy was in a wedding. Every time he walked 2 steps down the aisle, he would roar. When he finally got to the end of the aisle the people asked what he was doing. The little boy said that he was just being the Ring Bear.
 

Boy: Did you know that in Colorado there are no carnivals?
Girl: No fair? No fair!
 

A man told his friend, "I have two daughters. Both are girls."
 

Emma: Do you know what echo means?
John: Can you repeat that?
 

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My wife still misses me but her aim's getting better!
 

Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Harold: A teacher.
 

Tel: That's funny, my shaving brush is very stiff this morning!
Jack: But it was nice and soft when I painted the fence with it yesterday.
 

Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with I.
Millie: I is...
Teacher: No, Millie. Always say I am.
Millie: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
 

There were three men who were hunting. The first man went and brought back a deer. The two men said, "How did you catch that?"
The man said, "I followed the tracks."

The second guy caught a moose and they asked, "How did you catch that?"
"I followed the tracks."

So the third guy went and came back with bruises and scrapes. "How did you get those?"
"I followed the tracks." He had followed train tracks.
 

Two men walked into a bar. One ducked and the other said, "Ouch!"
 

Teacher: Have you completed the work at home?
Student: No, sir.
Teacher (angrily): Why?
Student: Because my father has hired servants to do the work at home.
 

Patron: Waiter, what's this Praying Mantis doing in my soup?
Waiter: Saying grace.
 

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