Squigly Squigly's Jokes and Riddles

Funny Jokes

We've got lots of funny jokes for you! These jokes have been submitted by kids from all over the world. We know they will make you LOL! :D

A man is sitting in a pub feeling rather poor. He sees the man next to him pull a wad of $50 notes out of his wallet. He turns to the rich man and says, "I have an amazing talent. I know almost every song that has ever existed." The rich man laughs. The poor man says, "I am willing to bet you all the money you have in your wallet that I can sing a genuine song with a lady's name of your choice in it."
The rich man laughs again and says, "Ok, how about my daughter's name, Joanna Armstrong Miller."
The poor man begins, "Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Joanna Armstrong Miller, happy birthday to you!"
 

A girl went out one day and when she came back her house was on fire. She called the fire department and the lady that answered the phone told her to calm down. Then the lady asked, "How do we get to your house?"
The girl replied, "DUH! On your big red truck!"
 

I dropped my computer in the ocean. Now there's a Dell rolling in the deep.
 

A man decided to start a chicken farm and brought 24 to get started. A week later he bought another 24 and another 24 the week after that. When his friend asked how his chicken farm was coming along the man replied, "Not one of them has grown yet. I wonder if I'm planting them too deep?"
 

A man said to his doctor, "I can't stop telling lies."
The doctor replied, "I don't believe you!"
 

A cat died in a house. The servant started crying badly.
Master: It is only a cat that has died, why are you crying so much?
Servant: Master, when the cat was there I used to drink the milk and put the blame on it. Now on whom will I put the blame?
 

Two girls are distracted by another girl singing terribly, so they said, "You should sing tenor. Ten or twelve miles away from here!"
 

2 fish went down an alley, one go battered!
 

Shelly: Our teacher is a peach.
Kelly: You mean she is really nice?
Shelly: No, she has a heart of stone.
 

Stevie: Hey, Mom, I got a hundred in school today.
Mom: That's wonderful! What did you get a hundred in?
Stevie: In two things: I got forty in reading and sixty in spelling.
 

Larry watched fascinated as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that Mom?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What’s the matter," asked Larry..."are you giving up?"
 

A man once said he bet I couldn't name a landmark in Egypt. I replied, "You Sphinx?"
 

A little girl was staying at her grandmothers for the night because her parents were going out for the night. The little girl said, "May I please borrow the toilet?"
Her grandmother replied, "Certainly, but make sure you put it back once you're done with it!"
 

Two men walked into a bar. One ducked and the other said, "Ouch!"
 

"Teacher, Teacher I need to pee!"
"Let me hear your ABC's."
"Okay, A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y and Z."
"Good job, except where is the P?"
"Halfway down my leg!"
 

Student asking his teacher: Do you punish people for things they don't do?
Teacher: No.
Student: Good, because I haven't done my homework today.
 

Teacher: What is the purpose of having school?
Student: Without school, there wouldn't be a reason for holidays and summer vacation.
 

One day 3 people were climbing up a mountain when they saw a genie. They went to the genie and the genie said they each could turn into one thing. So the first person went up and ran off the mountain and yelled, "Flying squirrel!" He turned into a flying squirrel.

The second person ran and said, "Bat!" and he turned into a bat.

Now it was the third person's turn, he ran and just as he was about to say what he wanted to be he saw his shoes weren't tied and he said, "Stupid shoelaces!" and, well, he became stupid shoelaces.
 

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, will this ointment clear up my spots?
Doctor: I never make rash promises.
 

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
 

There was a family of tomatoes, the father tomato, the mother tomato and the baby tomato. They were walking down the road one day and baby tomato kept lagging behind. So finally the father tomato went back and stepped on him and said, "Catch up!"
 

The moon goes to the hair dresser. The moon sits down and the sun comes to do his hair. The sun says to the moon, "Before I start on your hair, do you have any-clips?"
 

Boy: Did you know that in Colorado there are no carnivals?
Girl: No fair? No fair!
 

A guy went to the doctor. "Doctor, I keep getting this pain in my eye every time a take a drink of my coffee."
The doctor says, "Try taking out the spoon."
 

A teacher asked a girl, "How was the Red Sea formed?"
The girl said, "Sorry Miss, I don't know who painted it."
 

Jessica: There's a guy that has a wooden leg named Smith.
Amber: What's the name of his other leg?
 

A little boy stops in front of a church with his bike and he sees the priest come out. The priest says, "Come inside, I want to show you something." The little boy says to the priest, "But somebody will steal my bike." The priest says to him, "Don't worry, the Holy Spirit will watch it."
So the little boy goes inside and the priest says, "Let me show you how to do the sign of the cross. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen. Now, you try it." So the boy says, "In the name of the Father and the Son, Amen." The priest asks, "What happened to the Holy Spirit?" The boy replied "He's outside,
watching my bike."
 

Fayad: Hey, Prasant where does the sun go at night?
Prasant: Ah, Fayad, you are so foolish. It doesn't go anywhere, we just can't see it because it's dark out.
 

Teacher: Fred, the story you handed in called "Our Dog," is exactly like your brother's.
Fred: Of course. It's the same dog.
 

There was a man who bought a camel. The previous owner told him that to make it walk, say "few," to make it run, say "many" and to make it stop say "amen". So one day the man decided to have a practise ride. He said "few" and the camel started walking, he said "many" and it started running, right towards the edge of a cliff. But the man forgot how to make it stop, so, panicking, he shouted out "Lord save me, Lord save me, Amen" and of course the camel stopped - at the VERY edge. Relieved the man said to himself, "Phew, that was clo-aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
 

A chicken walks into a library. He goes up to the librarian and says "book book." The librarian gives him two books and he walks away.

The next day the chicken walks up to the librarian and said "book book." The librarian wonders what the chicken is doing with the books, so she follows him out the door and to a pond. The chicken held up the books to a frog and the frog said, "Red it, red it."

 

A lady came to a shop and got 14 scoops of ice cream with nuts. The man behind the counter asked, "Do you want a cherry with that?"
The lady replied, "No, I'm on a diet."
 

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