Squigly Squigly's Jokes and Riddles

Funny Jokes

We've got lots of funny jokes for you! These jokes have been submitted by kids from all over the world. We know they will make you LOL! :D

One day a big tortoise, a middle sized tortoise and a small tortoise went into a cafe. They ordered three banana splits. While they were waiting they noticed it had begun to rain. "Look at that," said the big tortoise, "we should have brought our umbrella."
"You're right," said the middle tortoise. "Let's send the little one back to get it."
"I'll go," said the little one. "But only if you promise not to eat my banana split."
The big tortoise and the middle tortoise promised.

A few days later the big tortoise said to the middle tortoise, "Come on, let's eat his banana spilt any way."
"All right," said the middle tortoise.
At that moment the little tortoise shouted from the end of the cafe, "You do that and I won't get your umbrella!"
 

A teacher said, "Children, stand in a straight circle!"
 

Bob: I lost my dog today.
Bill: So put an ad in the paper.
Bob: What good would that do? My dog can't read.
 

Is this milk pasteurized?
No, it's only up to your nose.
 

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
 

Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell Crocodile?
Glenn: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L.
Teacher: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
 

One day these two football players where flying in an airplane. The first engine on the plane blew and the pilot said, "We just lost one of our airplane's engines, but it's okay because we have one more. It will just take us an hour longer to get there."
Then one of the players says to other, I hope the last engine doesn't blow, because then we will be stuck up here all day!"
 

Two cookies are baking in an oven. One cookie says to the other, "Man, is it me, or is it getting kinda hot in here?"
The other cookie replies, "Oh my goodness! A talking cookie!!"
 

A girl went out one day and when she came back her house was on fire. She called the fire department and the lady that answered the phone told her to calm down. Then the lady asked, "How do we get to your house?"
The girl replied, "DUH! On your big red truck!"
 

A teacher said to his students, "Give me a sentence with lettuce."
The students said, "Lettuce out of school early!"
 

Two girls were watching the 11 o'clock news when the first girl said, "I bet you five dollars that the man jumps off the building."
The second girl said, "You're on."
Well, five minutes later the guy jumped off the building. The first girl said," I can't take your money, I saw the five o'clock news."
The second girl said, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd be stupid enough to do it again."
 

There was a man who bought a camel. The previous owner told him that to make it walk, say "few," to make it run, say "many" and to make it stop say "amen". So one day the man decided to have a practise ride. He said "few" and the camel started walking, he said "many" and it started running, right towards the edge of a cliff. But the man forgot how to make it stop, so, panicking, he shouted out "Lord save me, Lord save me, Amen" and of course the camel stopped - at the VERY edge. Relieved the man said to himself, "Phew, that was clo-aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
 

Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Winnie: Me!
 

A teenager saw twins and said to her friend, "I really need to see the doctor! I am seeing double!"
 

Teacher: How many seconds in a minute?
Student: 60
Teacher: How many minutes in an hour?
Student: 60
Teacher: Good, now for a hard one, how many seconds in a year?
Student: 12
Teacher: 12?
Student: Yes, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...
 

Boy: Did you know that in Colorado there are no carnivals?
Girl: No fair? No fair!
 

Larry watched fascinated as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that Mom?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What’s the matter," asked Larry..."are you giving up?"
 

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I'm going to die in 59 seconds!
Doctor: Hang on, I'll be there in a minute.
 

Electrician: Your doorbell doesn't work, because you have a short circuit in the wiring.
Housewife: Well for goodness sake lengthen it!
 

"Teacher, Teacher I need to pee!"
"Let me hear your ABC's."
"Okay, A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y and Z."
"Good job, except where is the P?"
"Halfway down my leg!"
 

Art teacher: Mimi, I told the class to draw a horse and cart, but you have only drawn a horse!
Mimi: Yes sir, the horse will draw the cart!
 

One day three women walked into a bar. The bartender said that if they looked into the mirror and told the truth they would get $10,000.00. But if they told a lie, they would disappear forever.

The first girl went up and said, "I think I'm the prettiest one in the bar." She got $10,000.00.

The next girl went up and said, "I think I'm the smartest one in the bar." She got $10,000.00 too.

The last girl went up and said, "I think..." and POOF, she was gone.
 

You are in a closed iron box. It is ten feet tall and you are three inches tall. All you have is a bat and ball. How do you get out?
You try to hit the ball once. You miss. Strike 1.
You try to hit the ball again. You miss. Strike 2.
You try to hit the ball again. You miss. Strike 3.
You are out!
 

My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
 

Little Jaden told his his dad he wanted to get married. His dad asked, "Do you have any one in mind?"
He said, "Yes, grandma."
Dad asked, "My mom? Why?"
Little Jaden said, "Well, you married my mom!"
 

Now I lay my head to rest
A pile of books upon my chest
If I shall die before I wake
That's one less test I have to take.
 

Tel: That's funny, my shaving brush is very stiff this morning!
Jack: But it was nice and soft when I painted the fence with it yesterday.
 

A cop pulls a woman over and says, "Can I see your driver's licence?"
The girl asks, "What's a driver's licence?"
The cop says, "A little square thing with your picture on it."
So she dug through her purse and found a little hand mirror, and looked in it. She said, "This has my picture on it."
She handed it to the cop. He looks in it and says, "Why didn't you say you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over?"
 

Guy 1: What's a pirate's favorite letter?
Guy 2: R! (Argh!)
Guy 1: You may think it's the R but it's actually the C! (sea)
 

Three pigs walked into a restaurant and the waiter asked them what they would like to drink. The first pig wanted Coke, the second Sprite and the third wanted water, lots and lots of water.

The waiter came back to ask for the main course and the first pig wanted salad, the second wanted chicken and the third pig wanted water, lots and lots of water.

The waiter came back and asked for their dessert choices. The first pig wanted cake, the second wanted cupcakes and the third pig wanted water, lots and lots of water.

The waiter was curious and asked the third pig, "Why do you want so much water?"
The third little pig smiled and said, "I'm the little pig that goes, wee, wee, wee all the way home"
 

Joel: I was born in Australia.
Kim: But which part?
Joel: Which part? My whole body of course!
 

Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Harold: A teacher.
 

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