Q. What
did the glue say to the teacher?
A. "I'm
stuck on you."
Q. Why did the clock in the cafeteria always run slow?
A. Every lunch it went back four seconds!
Q. What
do get when you cross one principal with another principal?
A. I
wouldn't do it, principals don't like to be crossed!
Q. Why
was the music teacher not able to open his class room?
A. Because
his keys were on the piano.
Q. What do you do if a teacher rolls her eyes at you?
A. Pick them up and roll them back to her!
Q. Why
are school cafeteria workers cruel?
A. Because
they batter fish, beat eggs, and whip cream.
Q. What
flies around the kindergarten room at night?
A. The
alpha-BAT.
Q. What
did the ghost teacher say to his class?
A. "Look
at the board and I'll go through it again!"
Q. Why
did the students study in the aeroplane?
A. Because
they wanted higher grades.
Q. Why
doesn't the sun go to college?
A. Because
it has a million degrees!
Q. Why did the student bring scissors to class?
A. He wanted to cut class!
Q. Why
is it dangerous to do math in the jungle?
A. Because
when you add four and four you get ate (eight).
Q. Why
did the jellybean go to school?
A. To
become a smartie!
Q. What
is a math teacher's favourite dessert?
A. Pi!
Q. What
object is king of the classroom?
A. The
ruler!
Q. What
do you call a boy with a dictionary in his pocket?
A. Smartie
Pants!
Q. Why
did the teacher draw on the window?
A. Because
he wanted his lesson to be very clear!
Q. Why
did 6 hate 7?
A. 7
8 9.
Q. Why
did Daniel go to the top of the school?
A. Because
he wanted to go to high school.
Q. Why
is 2+2=5 like your left foot?
A. It's
not right.
Q. What
did the math book say to the other math book?
A. "I've
got problems."
Q. What
did the calculator say to the other calculator?
A. "You
can count on me!"
Q. Why
didn't the class clown use hair oil the day before the big test?
A. Because
he didn't want anything to slip his mind.
Q. Why do teachers give you homework?
A. Just to annoy you.
Q. How did the teacher knit a suit
of armor?
A. She used steel wool!
Q. What did the bully have for lunch?
A. He had a knuckle sandwich!
Q. What's the difference between a train and a
teacher?
A. The teacher says, "Spit your gum out" and the
train says, "Choo-choo!"
Q. Why
did the Cyclops close his school?
A. Because
he only had one pupil.
Q. Why
did the boy eat his homework?
A. Because
the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
Q. Why
did Goofy take a ladder to school?
A. Because
he wanted to get to high school.
Q. Why
is arithmetic hard work?
A. All
those numerals you have to carry.
Q. What
did the student say after the teacher said, "Order students, order?"
A. "Can
I have fries and a burger?"
Q. Why
was the little bird punished?
A. It
was caught peeping in school.
Q. Where
did the pencil go for vacation?
A. To
Pennsylvania.
Q. Why
did the new boy steal a chair from the classroom?
A. Because
the teacher told him to take a seat.
Q. When
is a blue school book not a blue school book?
A. When
it is read!
Q.
Where do New York City kids learn their multiplication tables?
A.
Times Square.
Q. Why
did the student drown?
A. All
her grades were below C-level!
Q. What tools do you need for math?
A. MultiPLIERS.
Q. What's
the best place to grow flowers in school?
A. In
kindergarden.
Q. Why
was the voice teacher so good at baseball?
A. Because
she had the perfect pitch.
Q. What happened when the teacher tied all the kids shoe laces together?
A. They had a class trip!
Q. What's the worst thing that can happen to a geography teacher?
A. Getting lost.
Q. Why did the clock go to the principal's office?
A. For tocking too much!
Q. What did the cross eyed teacher say to the principal?
A. "I can't control my pupils!"
Q. Why did the teacher go to the beach?
A. To test the water.
Q. What did the student say to the math worksheet?
A. I'm not a therapist, solve your own problems!
Knock Knock Jokes
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you glad we are out of school?
Jokes
A teacher once asked a boy, "Where is the Dead Sea?"
The boy replied, "Miss, I never knew it was sick."
A teacher asked a girl, "How was the Red Sea formed?"
The girl said, "Sorry Miss, I don't know who painted it."
Student asking his teacher: Do you punish people for things they don't do?
Teacher: No.
Student: Good, because I haven't done my homework today.
"Teacher, Teacher I need to pee!"
"Let me hear your ABC's."
"Okay, A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y and Z."
"Good job, except where is the P?"
"Halfway down my leg!"
"Explain the theory of expansion and contraction," the teacher asked one of
the pupils.
"A substance expands when it is heated and contracts when it is cooled."
"No wonder we have a long vacation in summer and a short one in winter," remarked
another pupil.
A boy was told to write a 100 word essay. He thought for a bit then started.
'I went out to call my cat in for the night, so I called 'kitty, kitty, kitty,
kitty, kitty...'
Once there was a boy who needed to do his home work. His homework was to write
down his family's favourite words.
So when he got home he asked his mom who was listening to the radio, "What
is your favourite word mom?"
"Shut up!" So he wrote that down.
Then he went to his dad who was watching football and his favourite team had
just scored a goal, so the little boy asked his dad,"What is your favourite
word dad?"
"Yeah!" So he wrote that down.
Next he went to his big sister and he asked her, "What is your favourite word?"
She was listening to her favourite CD and said, "A lollipop, a lollipop, a lollipop."
So he wrote that down.
Next he went to his brother. He was watching the end of Batman, he asked him,
"What is your favourite word?"
"Nananananananana Batman!" so he wrote that down.
Then he went to his baby sister who was playing with her cars. So he asked
her, "What is your favourite word?"
"Voom, voom car, a voom, voom car." So he wrote that down.
The next day at school, the teacher asked him to share his homework with the
class
He said, "Shut up!"
The teacher said, "Do you want to go to the principal's office?"
"Yeah!"
"What do you think you deserve?"
"A lollipop, a lollipop, a lollipop."
"Who do you think you are?"
"Nananananananana Batman!"
"What do you think you are going to get away with?"
"Voom, voom car, a voom, voom car."
Art teacher: Mimi, I told the class to draw a horse and cart, but you have
only drawn a horse!
Mimi: Yes sir, the horse will draw the cart!
Now I lay my head to rest
A pile of books upon my chest
If I shall die before I wake
That's one less test I have to take.
There was a really dumb girl and she failed a test. Her teacher wanted her
to come in after school and make it up. On the note home to her parents the
teacher wrote: Make up test.
The following day the girl brought lipstick and eye shadow to school.
Teacher: Give me a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it.
Student: If I had a sweater with ten buttons and two fell off, then I would
only have to fascinate (fasten eight)!
Teacher: How many seconds in a minute?
Student: 60
Teacher: How many minutes in an hour?
Student: 60
Teacher: Good, now for a hard one, how many seconds in a year?
Student: 12
Teacher: 12?
Student: Yes, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...
When dad came home he was astonished to see Alec sitting on a horse writing
something. "What an earth are you doing up there?" dad asked.
"Well the teacher told us to write an essay on our favourite animal. That's
why I'm up here and sitting on the goldfish bowl!"
Shelly: Our teacher is a peach.
Kelly: You mean she is really nice?
Shelly: No, she has a heart of stone.
Teacher: Who is smart? Put up your hand.
Then all the students except Ken raise their hand.
Teacher: Ken, why aren't you raising your hand?
Ken: Because if I raise my hand than you'll be all alone.
A teacher said, "Children, stand in a straight circle!"
Mother: George, why does your geography exam have a big zero over it?
George: It is not a zero, mum. The teacher ran out of stars, so she gave me
a moon instead!
Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your dad for another, how much
would you have?
Boy: One dollar.
Teacher: Are you sure?
Boy: Yes, my dad wouldn't give me a dollar!
It was the first day of school and the teacher asked all the troublemakers
to stand up. Finally this girl stood up and the teacher asked, "Are you a troublemaker?"
The girl said, "No." The teacher asked why she was standing and the
girl said, "You looked lonely."
Teacher: Have you completed the work at home?
Student: No, sir.
Teacher (angrily): Why?
Student: Because my father has hired servants to do the work at home.
A first grade teacher was telling her students the story of "Chicken Little."
She got to the part when Chicken Little ran up to the Farmer saying, "The sky
is falling. The sky is falling." Then the teacher paused and asked the kids
what they thought the farmer said. One little girl raised her hand and the teacher
called on her. The little girl then said, "I think the farmer said Holy cow,
a talking chicken!"
If teachers are so smart then why are they in school?
Invisible Boy's Mother: Why are your grades so low?
Invisible Boy: Because the teacher always marks me absent.
Dad: Why is your test score so low?
Girl: Because of absence.
Dad: You were absent?
Girl: No, the girl next to me was.
Teacher: Who was the first woman on earth?
Boy: I don't know?
Teacher: Think of the apple story.
Boy: I know, Granny Smith!
Principal: Well, Ronald, I hear you missed the first day back to school.
Ronald: Yeah, but I didn't miss it very much.
Teacher: If you had five apples on your desk and the boy next to you took two,
what would you get?
Billy: A fight!
Teacher: How do you spell Mississippi?
George: The state or the river?
A teacher asked her first grade class to bring their birth certificates to class. When the time came to give them to her, David stood up and said very politely, "Teacher, I forgot my excuse for being born."
Stevie: Hey, Mom, I got a hundred in school today.
Mom: That's wonderful! What did you get a hundred in?
Stevie: In two things: I got forty in reading and sixty in spelling.
Mom: What did you learn on your first day of school?
Child: Not enough, they want me to come back tomorrow!
Dear
Teacher,
Roses are red
Voilets aren't gray
I give you this card
Now give me an A
From Jimmy
