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Two girls were watching the 11 o'clock news when the first girl said, "I bet you five dollars that the man jumps off the building."
The second girl said, "You're on."
Well, five minutes later the guy jumped off the building. The first girl said," I can't take your money, I saw the five o'clock news."
The second girl said, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd be stupid enough to do it again."
One day three women walked into a bar. The bartender said that if they looked into the mirror and told the truth they would get $10,000.00. But if they told a lie, they would disappear forever.
The first girl went up and said, "I think I'm the prettiest one in the bar." She got $10,000.00.
The next girl went up and said, "I think I'm the smartest one in the bar." She got $10,000.00 too.
The last girl went up and said, "I think..." and POOF, she was gone.
Dentist: Stop making a face, I haven't even touched your teeth .
Tommy: I know, but you're stepping on my foot!
One day, Ah Meng asked Siew Lee, "Why do lions eat raw meat?"
Siew Lee said, "Because they are wild animals?"
Ah Meng said, "Wrong! They eat raw meat because they can't cook!"
Kermit the Frog walks into a loan place and goes up to a lady working there. He notices her name tag says Patti Wak. Kermit asks if he can take out a loan and she says, "I am going to have to see an IOU." Kermit takes out a piggy bank from his pocket and says here it is. Patti Wak asks what it is and he tells her it's his IOU. Young man I am going to have to call your parents, "What's their number?"
"Hello who is this?"
"This is Mick Jagger."
Patti Wak talks to Mick Jagger then talks to her manager. The manager says, "Nik Nak Patti Wak give this frog a loan his old man is a Rolling Stone."
Peter: You wrote only one book and you call yourself an author?
John: You married only once and you call yourself a husband?
Shelly: Our teacher is a peach.
Kelly: You mean she is really nice?
Shelly: No, she has a heart of stone.
Think about the phrase " There are plenty of other fish in the sea," but then again, who would want to date fish?
Doctor: What's your problem?
Patient: Doctor, I don't know why nobody wants to talk to me.
Doctor: Nurse, call the next patient!
Patient: Doctor! Doctor! I think I am losing my memory!
Doctor: When did that happen?
Patient: When did what happen!
A woman walks into a bar and sits down next to a guy near a dog. The woman asks, "Does your dog bite?"
The guy replied,"No."
The woman reached down to pet the dog and it bit her. "I thought you said he didn't bite," she yelled.
"That's not my dog," he yelled!
Mother: Swimming makes you slim and trim.
Son: I don't think that's true.
Son: Look at the ducks, they are fat and stout!
A man walked into a bar. Ouch!
One day a lady was walking down the street with her baby and a man insulted her terribly by saying, "Why that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen!"
The lady was so devastated she sat down beside a tree and started sobbing, then a lady showed up and said, "What is the matter honey?"
The lady answered, "See that man over there? He said I have the ugliest baby."
"Why lady don't cry, I've got you a tissue for you and a banana for your monkey!"
A chicken walks into a library. He goes up to the librarian and says "book book." The librarian gives him two books and he walks away.
The next day the chicken walks up to the librarian and said "book book." The librarian wonders what the chicken is doing with the books, so she follows him out the door and to a pond. The chicken held up the books to a frog and the frog said, "Red it, red it."
A first grade teacher was telling her students the story of "Chicken Little." She got to the part when Chicken Little ran up to the Farmer saying, "The sky is falling. The sky is falling." Then the teacher paused and asked the kids what they thought the farmer said. One little girl raised her hand and the teacher called on her. The little girl then said, "I think the farmer said Holy cow, a talking chicken!"
You are in a closed iron box. It is ten feet tall and you are three inches tall. All you have is a bat and ball. How do you get out?
You try to hit the ball once. You miss. Strike 1.
You try to hit the ball again. You miss. Strike 2.
You try to hit the ball again. You miss. Strike 3.
You are out!
Two girls are distracted by another girl singing terribly, so they said, "You should sing tenor. Ten or twelve miles away from here!"
There were 3 people and they were all bragging about their country. The first person says, "We were the first in space!"
And the second responds, "Well, we were first on the moon! Beat that!"
So the third person says, "Well, that's nothing. Me and my crew are going to the sun!"
"How are you gonna do that?" said the other two.
"Well duh! We are gonna go at night!"
Once an old man and woman went to a restaurant and ordered two sandwiches. The waiter brought the sandwiches and the old man started to eat but the women was only staring at the food. The waiter noticed this and went to see what the problem was. The old woman said nothing and just stared at him but the old man interrupted and said, "The sandwich is delicious, but she can't eat because I am using her teeth."
Man: Doctor! Doctor! I ate the key for my door.
Doctor: When did you eat it?
Man: About two months ago.
Doctor: Why are you coming in now?
Man: Because at that time I had another key.
Patient: Doctor, Doctor. I think I'm turning into curtains.
Doctor: Pull your self together!
An airplane was falling from the sky. Four were aboard, a doctor, a vet, the pilot, and a man who thought he was the smartest person in the world. There were only three parachutes.
Doctor: I'm a doctor, so I should jump down first.
So he took a parachute and jumped off the plane.
The smartest person in the world: Well, I'm the smartest man in the world so I should jump off next.
So he took a bag and jumped off. There were two people left.
Pilot: How will we decide who jumps off next?
Vet: We don't have to, the smartest man in the world just jumped off with my backpack.
A lady came to a shop and got 14 scoops of ice cream with nuts. The man behind the counter asked, "Do you want a cherry with that?"
The lady replied, "No, I'm on a diet."
Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
Socks can eat anywhere they want.
Peter: Mother, why is a snail stronger than an elephant?
Mother: I don't know.
Peter: Because a snail can carry its own home, but an elephant can only carry its own trunk.
The insects were playing against a team of flies. The flies were winning 30 to 0. At the third quarter the insects put a millepede in the game, he scored a total of 50 points. At the end of the game the coach of the flies asked the coach of the insects, "Why didn't you put the millepede in the first quarter?"
"Because it takes him forever to put his shoes on!"
Person 1: Did you hear about the ball player they put in jail?
Person 2: No.
Person 1: He stole all the bases!
One bright day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other.
Drew there swords and shot each other.
The deaf police man heard the noise
Came and shot the two dead boys.
If you don' believe this lie is true
ask the blind man he saw it too.
Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Kid: I bet I can make you say Black. What's the color of the sky?
Kid's friend: Blue
Kid: Told you I could make you say blue.
Kid's friend: What? You said black.
Kid: Told you I could make you say black.
A boy walked into his classroom late. "Why are you late?" the teacher asked.
"Because I saw a dead cat on the way to school," he said.
"How did you know it was dead?"
"I PSST in its ear."
"YOU DID WHAT!?"
"Yeah, I bent down and went PSST in its ear and it didn't move."
There were three male dogs, a Golden Retriever, a Lab, and Chihuahua, walking down the street. On their walk, they met a beautiful French Poodle. They all ran up to the poodle. The poodle says to the three dogs, "Since you all want to marry me, whoever can say liver and cheese in a complete sentence will get to marry me."
The Golden Retriever says, "I love liver and cheese."
The poodle replied, "How childish"
The Lab says, "I hate liver and cheese."
"You're hopeless," said the poodle.
The Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I'm going to die in 59 seconds!
Doctor: Hang on, I'll be there in a minute.
A man told his friend, "I have two daughters. Both are girls."
Tim: Winter is here.
Tom: Don't answer the door.
A horse walked into the bar and the bartender said, "Why the long face?"
Student asking his teacher: Do you punish people for things they don't do?
Student: Good, because I haven't done my homework today.
Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
One day a duck waddles into a mini market and asks the clerk, "Got any grapes?" The clerk says no and the duck waddles out.
The next day the duck waddles into the mini market and asks the clerk, "Got any grapes?" The clerk says no and the duck waddles out.
The next day the duck does the same and once again the clerk says no and adds if you ask me one more time I will nail your webbed feet to the floor. So the duck waddles out.
The next day the duck waddles into the mini market and asks the clerk, "Got any nails?" The clerk says no. "Then got any grapes?"
A man is sitting in a pub feeling rather poor. He sees the man next to him pull a wad of $50 notes out of his wallet. He turns to the rich man and says, "I have an amazing talent. I know almost every song that has ever existed." The rich man laughs. The poor man says, "I am willing to bet you all the money you have in your wallet that I can sing a genuine song with a lady's name of your choice in it."
The rich man laughs again and says, "Ok, how about my daughter's name, Joanna Armstrong Miller."
The poor man begins, "Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Joanna Armstrong Miller, happy birthday to you!"
Moe: Does your undershirt have holes in it?
Joe: No, why?
Moe: Then how do you get it on in the morning?
Is this milk pasteurized?
No, it's only up to your nose.
Roses are red
Voilets aren't gray
I give you this card
Now give me an A
Policeman: One of your elephants has been seen chasing a man on a bicycle.
Zoo keeper: Nonsense, none of my elephants know how to ride a bicycle.
Nani: A man walks into a library and says fghgfhvyjj tytutyhhrty. What does the man want?
Nani: I don't know, I am not the librarian!
A teacher said to his students, "Give me a sentence with lettuce."
The students said, "Lettuce out of school early!"
A guy went to the doctor. "Doctor, I keep getting this pain in my eye every time a take a drink of my coffee."
The doctor says, "Try taking out the spoon."
A girl walks into a library and says, "I'd like a cheeseburger and some fries."
The librarian says, "This a library."
The girl whispers to the librarian, "I'd like a cheeseburger and some fries."
Teacher: If you had five apples on your desk and the boy next to you took two, what would you get?
Billy: A fight!
My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
Sam's mom had four kids, Enie, Menie, Miney, and Sam. One day Sam asked his mom, "Why didn't you name me Moe?"
To which she replied, "'Cause I didn't want no Moe."
Three pigs walked into a restaurant and the waiter asked them what they would like to drink. The first pig wanted Coke, the second Sprite and the third wanted water, lots and lots of water.
The waiter came back to ask for the main course and the first pig wanted salad, the second wanted chicken and the third pig wanted water, lots and lots of water.
The waiter came back and asked for their dessert choices. The first pig wanted cake, the second wanted cupcakes and the third pig wanted water, lots and lots of water.
The waiter was curious and asked the third pig, "Why do you want so much water?"
The third little pig smiled and said, "I'm the little pig that goes, wee, wee, wee all the way home"
Jessica: There's a guy that has a wooden leg named Smith.
Amber: What's the name of his other leg?
A teacher said to a student could you count to ten for me. This is what the kid said: "1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 10."
The teacher asked, "Where is 9."
"7 ate 9," said the student matter-of-factly.
The pillow asks the teddy bear, "Do you want an ice cream sundae?" The bear says, "No thanks, I'm stuffed!"
A man went to a restaurant and ordered soup. When the waitress came to give the soup to the man, he said, "Excuse me, I saw your thumb in my soup."
The waitress said, "Oh, it's okay. It wasn't hot."
A girl went out one day and when she came back her house was on fire. She called the fire department and the lady that answered the phone told her to calm down. Then the lady asked, "How do we get to your house?"
The girl replied, "DUH! On your big red truck!"
A boy was told to write a 100 word essay. He thought for a bit then started. 'I went out to call my cat in for the night, so I called 'kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty...'
Patient: Doctor, Doctor. I think I'm blind.
Man: I think you are blind. This is a chip shop!
Robert: Did you hear about the goblin that lost his left leg and his left arm?
Alan: No, is he ok?
Robert: Yes. He's all right now!
There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
Teacher: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No, sir. It's the same dog.
Three girls have a car crash and they all die. When they get up to the gates of heaven Saint Peter says, "Inside heaven there are lots of ducks, if you stand on one you will be given a terrible punishment!" The first girl steps on a duck and gets tied to a really ugly man, then the second girl steps on a duck and she gets tied to a really ugly man. The third girl doesn't step on a duck, so she walks along and a really handsome man gets tied to her and she said, "WOW, what have I done to deserve this?"
The really handsome man said, "I don't know, but I stepped on a duck!"
"Ggggggggggggggggggggggggggg," said the frog.
"You've got a frog in your throat," said the other frog.
Now I lay my head to rest
A pile of books upon my chest
If I shall die before I wake
That's one less test I have to take.
I guess they found a cure for Bieber Fever, because now everyone's got One Direction Infection!
Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with I.
Millie: I is...
Teacher: No, Millie. Always say I am.
Millie: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
One day a little boy made his mom a cup of coffee. It wasn't the best tasting coffee but she drank it to be nice. When the cup was all gone the mom saw the boys toy soldiers in the bottom of the cup. So the mom asked why they were there. The boy simply replied, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."
There was a man called Stupid and a man called Nobody. One day Stupid pushed Nobody out of the window and then called for an ambulance. When it arrived, he told them that Nobody fell out of the window. The ambulance driver replied, "Are you stupid?"
Stupid replied, "That's amazing!! How did you guess?!"
Mum: Eat your roast chicken, it's got iron it!
Jack: No wonder it is tough!
Teacher: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Simon: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, that little boy asked, "Why?"
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered, "Yes." Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth!"
The dad replied, "Well son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree."
Boy: God, what is a thousand years to you?
God: A second.
Boy: God, what is a thousand dollars to you?
God: A penny.
Boy: God, can I have a penny?
God: Sure, just a second.
A sea serpent saw a big tanker,
bit a hole in her side and then sank'er
in a minute or two,
it swallowed the crew,
then picked its teeth with the anchor.
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