Squigly Jokes and Riddles

Funny Jokes

Funny jokes for Kids

Welcome to our funny jokes page. All these jokes have been submitted by kids visiting our playhouse. We know these jokes will make you LOL! :D





Jokes

Teacher: If you had five apples on your desk and the boy next to you took two, what would you get?
Billy: A fight!
 

A teacher once asked a boy, "Where is the Dead Sea?"
The boy replied, "Miss, I never knew it was sick."
 

Dad writes on son's Facebook wall:
"Dear Son, How are you? All is fine here. We miss you a lot. Please turn off your computer and come down for dinner. Love Dad"
 

I am lost. I've gone to look for myself. If I happen to return before I get back, then please ask me to wait.
 

Bob: I lost my dog today.
Bill: So put an ad in the paper.
Bob: What good would that do? My dog can't read.
 

Why is it called "rush hour" when nobody moves?
 

Sam's mom had four kids, Enie, Menie, Miney, and Sam. One day Sam asked his mom, "Why didn't you name me Moe?"
To which she replied, "'Cause I didn't want no Moe."
 

Boy: Daddy, I have a little pain in my stomach.
Dad: Because your stomach is empty. Go eat some food.
Boy: Really? Is that why mommy is always complaining about her headache? Is her head empty?
 

Once there was an alien that came from space. He heard the words, "He stole my lollipop." Then he went to the utensils store and heard, "Forks and knives." Then he went to the electricity store and heard, "Plug it in, plug it in."

When he went back to his spaceship he noticed the police were there. They asked him what was wrong and he said, "He stole my lollipop."
"What did you do to him?" They asked.
"Forks and knives," replied the alien.
"If you resist arrest we will have to tazer you?"
"Plug it in, plug it in!"
 

A visitor to the United States for the first time went to Manhattan to do some sight-seeing and shopping. Somehow he managed to get lost, so he called his cousin from a phone booth to pick him up. "Which corners are you at?" asked the cousin.
The visitor said, "Hold on." Stepping carefully onto the sidewalk, he looked up at the sign and stepped back into the booth. "I am at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk!"
 

Moe: Does your undershirt have holes in it?
Joe: No, why?
Moe: Then how do you get it on in the morning?
 

Screen door: Something kids get a bang out of!
 

There is a California dude going through a desert. He's wearing shorts, sunglasses, a towel and listening to music on his walkman. He's having a good time. Suddenly he sees a caravan approaching. He stops the men and asks them cheerfully, "Hey dudes how far is the sea?"
They look at each other and say, "Two thousand miles!"
And he says, "Wow what a cool beach!!!"
 

When my brother told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down.
 

Mum: Eat your roast chicken, it's got iron it!
Jack: No wonder it is tough!
 

Man: Doctor! Doctor! I ate the key for my door.
Doctor: When did you eat it?
Man: About two months ago.
Doctor: Why are you coming in now?
Man: Because at that time I had another key.
 

Boy: Dad, Dad the canary flew out of its cage while I was cleaning the cage.
Dad: What did you clean it with?
Boy: A vacuum cleaner.
 

A boy said, "Mommy, my feet hurt!"
His mother said, "That's because your shoes are on the wrong feet."
"But these are the only feet I have," replied the boy.
 

Peter: Mother, why is a snail stronger than an elephant?
Mother: I don't know.
Peter: Because a snail can carry its own home, but an elephant can only carry its own trunk.
 

Now I lay my head to rest
A pile of books upon my chest
If I shall die before I wake
That's one less test I have to take.
 

Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Winnie: Me!
 

Dear Teacher,

Roses are red
Voilets aren't gray
I give you this card
Now give me an A
From Jimmy
 

A teacher asked a boy a question after she had read her lesson. The boy just held his ears and shut his mouth
"Why are you not giving me any answer?"
"Because what ever you taught me goes in my ears and if I open my mouth, I will forget everything you said."
 

A man is sitting in a pub feeling rather poor. He sees the man next to him pull a wad of $50 notes out of his wallet. He turns to the rich man and says, "I have an amazing talent. I know almost every song that has ever existed." The rich man laughs. The poor man says, "I am willing to bet you all the money you have in your wallet that I can sing a genuine song with a lady's name of your choice in it."
The rich man laughs again and says, "Ok, how about my daughter's name, Joanna Armstrong Miller."
The poor man begins, "Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Joanna Armstrong Miller, happy birthday to you!"
 

Patient: Doctor, Doctor. I think I'm turning into curtains.
Doctor: Pull your self together!
 

Did you know the most fattening food in the world is peanuts? Well have you ever seen a skinny elephant?
 

A cop pulls a woman over and says, "Can I see your driver's licence?"
The girl asks, "What's a driver's licence?"
The cop says, "A little square thing with your picture on it."
So she dug through her purse and found a little hand mirror, and looked in it. She said, "This has my picture on it."
She handed it to the cop. He looks in it and says, "Why didn't you say you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over?"
 

A small boy is asked to find out what the first 4 letters of the alphabet are for his homework.
"Mum, what's the first letter of the alphabet?"
"Shut up and go away," she replied.
The boy went to his dad. "Dad, what's the second letter of the alphabet?"
"YYYYEEEAAAHHH!!!" The boy's dad roared; football was on the TV and his team had scored.
"Brother, what is the third letter of the alphabet?" The boy asked his brother, who was playing with his action men.
"Action Man, the greatest hero of them all!" He cried.
"Sister, what is the fourth letter of the alphabet?" The boy's sister was playing with her Barbie dolls.
"Drive away in the Barbie car, beep, beep!" The boy's sister sang.

The next day in school the teacher asked the boy what the first letter was.
"Shut up and go away!" He replied.
"Do you want to see the head teacher?" Teacher yells.
"YEAH!!"
The boy is sent to the head teacher.
"Who do you think you are?" The headmaster shouts in his face.
"Action Man, the greatest hero of them all!"
"How do you think you're going to get away with this?"
"Drive away in the Barbie car, beep, beep!"
 

There was a man who wanted to prove his love to his wife. So he climbed the highest mountain, swam the deepest ocean and walked the biggest desert. What do you think his wife said? She didn't say anything! She divorced him for never being at home!
 

Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
Socks can eat anywhere they want.
 

Invisible Boy's Mother: Why are your grades so low?
Invisible Boy: Because the teacher always marks me absent.
 

An elephant asked an ant, "Please hide me." So the ant replied, "Hide behind me."
 

Three pigs walked into a restaurant and the waiter asked them what they would like to drink. The first pig wanted Coke, the second Sprite and the third wanted water, lots and lots of water.

The waiter came back to ask for the main course and the first pig wanted salad, the second wanted chicken and the third pig wanted water, lots and lots of water.

The waiter came back and asked for their dessert choices. The first pig wanted cake, the second wanted cupcakes and the third pig wanted water, lots and lots of water.

The waiter was curious and asked the third pig, "Why do you want so much water?"
The third little pig smiled and said, "I'm the little pig that goes, wee, wee, wee all the way home"
 

A girl once got lost near a river. She traveled up and down it searching for a way to get to the other side.

She tried walking in the shallow part of the river and she even tried grabbing onto a branch that stretched half way across the river to try to swing to the other side. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't get across.

After many failed attempts, she finally felt like giving up. Yet, at the last moment, she saw a person walking by and decided to follow her across the bridge.
 

Kid: I bet I can make you say Black. What's the color of the sky?
Kid's friend: Blue
Kid: Told you I could make you say blue.
Kid's friend: What? You said black.
Kid: Told you I could make you say black.

 

A man once said he bet I couldn't name a landmark in Egypt. I replied, "You Sphinx?"
 

2 fish went down an alley, one go battered!
 

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
 

There was a kid named Joey and he couldn't add, so when they had a test on addition he copied off John's paper. When he was finished with the test his teacher said: Joey why did you copy off John's paper?
Joey: I didn't.
Teacher: Yes you did.
Joey: How did you know?
Teacher: I knew because when John wrote, "I don't know," on question #6, you wrote, "me neither."
 

Three men were captured by cannibals. The cannibals got hungry so they took a man out of his cage and asked him, "You have two choices to die. You can shoot yourself or we can boil you in a soup and use your skin for our canoe."
The man said, " I will shoot myself."

Three months later the cannibals got hungry again. They took out the second man and said, "You have two choices to die. You can shoot yourself or we can boil you in a soup and use your skin for our canoe." The man said, " I will shoot myself."

Three months later the cannibals got hungry again. They took out the last guy and said, "You don't have a choice we are going to boil you in our soup and use your skin for our canoe. Do you have any last requests?"
The man said, "Can I have a fork?" They got him a fork and he started poking his arm while saying, "Just try to make a canoe now!"

 

On the day before Thanksgiving there was a parrot who said bad words a lot. His owner got so annoyed he stuffed the parrot in the freezer. After the owner had calmed down he got the parrot out of the freezer, the parrot politely asked, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
 

Robert: Did you hear about the goblin that lost his left leg and his left arm?
Alan: No, is he ok?
Robert: Yes. He's all right now!
 

One bright day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other.
Drew there swords and shot each other.
The deaf police man heard the noise
Came and shot the two dead boys.
If you don' believe this lie is true
ask the blind man he saw it too.
 

Mother: George, why does your geography exam have a big zero over it?
George: It is not a zero, Mum. The teacher ran out of stars, so she gave me a moon instead!
 

There were two dummies standing by a lake. One was on one side, and the other one was on the other side. "How do I get to the other side?" asked the first dummy.
"You are on the other side!" said the second dummy.
 

Little Jaden told his his dad he wanted to get married. His dad asked, "Do you have any one in mind?"
He said, "Yes, grandma."
Dad asked, "My mom? Why?"
Little Jaden said, "Well, you married my mom!"
 

A man walks into a dental office and says to the dentist, "I think I'm a moth."
The dentist says, "What!"
The man says, "I think I'm a moth."
The dentists says, "You need a phsycologist, not a dentist. Why'd you come in here?"
The man says, "Because your light was on."

 

One day a lady got sick of all the insulting jokes about women so she decided to prove to her husband that she wasn't stupid. She decided to paint a couple of rooms while he was at work. As soon as her husband left she sprung into action and started painting the rooms. When her husband came back he smelt the smell of paint and he saw his wife on the floor in a pool of sweat. She was wearing a coat and a jacket. Her husband asked her if she was okay. She said yes and that she was smart. He asked why's that. I followed the rules on the can and I painted the rooms. She said, "THE CAN SAID FOR BEST RESULTS PUT ON TWO COATS."
 

A man went to a restaurant and ordered soup. When the waitress came to give the soup to the man, he said, "Excuse me, I saw your thumb in my soup."
The waitress said, "Oh, it's okay. It wasn't hot."
 

Jessica: There's a guy that has a wooden leg named Smith.
Amber: What's the name of his other leg?
 

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