Squigly Jokes and Riddles

Funny Jokes

Funny jokes for Kids

Welcome to our funny jokes page. All these jokes have been submitted by kids visiting our playhouse. We know these jokes will make you LOL! :D





Jokes

Shelly: Our teacher is a peach.
Kelly: You mean she is really nice?
Shelly: No, she has a heart of stone.
 

Mary had a little lamb,
But the lamb started to tease her.
Mary said, "STOP!"
But the lamb refused
So now it's in the freezer.
 

Teacher: If you had five apples on your desk and the boy next to you took two, what would you get?
Billy: A fight!
 

Teacher: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No, sir. It's the same dog.
 

Milkman: Are you sure you want 50 quarts of milk?
Woman: Yes, my doctor told me to take a bath of milk.
Milkman: Would you like it pasteurized?
Woman: No, just up to my neck please.
 

A teenager saw twins and said to her friend, "I really need to see the doctor! I am seeing double!"
 

A teacher asked a girl, "How was the Red Sea formed?"
The girl said, "Sorry Miss, I don't know who painted it."
 

Sam: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this?
Joe: It's because your feet aren't empty.
 

The moon goes to the hair dresser. The moon sits down and the sun comes to do his hair. The sun says to the moon, "Before I start on your hair, do you have any-clips?"
 

Now I lay my head to rest
A pile of books upon my chest
If I shall die before I wake
That's one less test I have to take.
 

Teacher: Who is smart? Put up your hand.
Then all the students except Ken raise their hand.
Teacher: Ken, why aren't you raising your hand?
Ken: Because if I raise my hand than you'll be all alone.
 

There were three people. One was called Nobody, the second was called Somebody and third Crazy. One day Nobody killed Somebody. Crazy called the police and said, "Nobody killed Somebody!"
The police asked, "Are you crazy?"
"Yes I am. How did you know?"
 

Screen door: Something kids get a bang out of!
 

There was a man who bought a camel. The previous owner told him that to make it walk, say "few," to make it run, say "many" and to make it stop say "amen". So one day the man decided to have a practise ride. He said "few" and the camel started walking, he said "many" and it started running, right towards the edge of a cliff. But the man forgot how to make it stop, so, panicking, he shouted out "Lord save me, Lord save me, Amen" and of course the camel stopped - at the VERY edge. Relieved the man said to himself, "Phew, that was clo-aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
 

If teachers are so smart then why are they in school?
 

If pigs could fly, imagine what their wings would taste like!
 

A woman walks into a bar and sits down next to a guy near a dog. The woman asks, "Does your dog bite?"
The guy replied,"No."
The woman reached down to pet the dog and it bit her. "I thought you said he didn't bite," she yelled.
"That's not my dog," he yelled!
 

A horse walked into the bar and the bartender said, "Why the long face?"
 

One day a lady entered a pet shop.
Lady: May I have a rabbit for my daughter?
Storekeeper: Sorry Ma'am, we don't do trades.
 

A guy wanted a job on a 200 meter high tower, ringing a bell. So he goes up to a guy and asks how to do the bell ringing job. He's told, "Swing on the bell to ring it." So he does but a little too hard and he falls off the tower. His employer goes running down the stairs and the police are already there. The police ask if the man knows the guy and he says, "No, but his face rings a bell."
 

Two girls were watching the 11 o'clock news when the first girl said, "I bet you five dollars that the man jumps off the building."
The second girl said, "You're on."
Well, five minutes later the guy jumped off the building. The first girl said," I can't take your money, I saw the five o'clock news."
The second girl said, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd be stupid enough to do it again."
 

Coca Cola went to town
Pepsi Max shot him down
Dr. Pepper helped him up
Now they are drinking 7 Up.
 

Three pigs walked into a restaurant and the waiter asked them what they would like to drink. The first pig wanted Coke, the second Sprite and the third wanted water, lots and lots of water.

The waiter came back to ask for the main course and the first pig wanted salad, the second wanted chicken and the third pig wanted water, lots and lots of water.

The waiter came back and asked for their dessert choices. The first pig wanted cake, the second wanted cupcakes and the third pig wanted water, lots and lots of water.

The waiter was curious and asked the third pig, "Why do you want so much water?"
The third little pig smiled and said, "I'm the little pig that goes, wee, wee, wee all the way home"
 

Sam: Wanna hear a joke?
Joe: Yes.
Sam: Na, I don't want to, just kitten!
 

Emma: Do you know what echo means?
John: Can you repeat that?
 

Patient: Doctor, Doctor. I think I'm turning into curtains.
Doctor: Pull your self together!
 

Kid: I bet I can make you say Black. What's the color of the sky?
Kid's friend: Blue
Kid: Told you I could make you say blue.
Kid's friend: What? You said black.
Kid: Told you I could make you say black.

 

2 fish went down an alley, one go battered!
 

Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
John: You told me to do it without using tables.
 

Once there were two chocolate bunnies and one had their ear bit off. One said, "Happy Easter."
"Huh?" Said the other.
 

There was a man that studied bugs. He caught a cockroach and put it on the floor of his lab, and said "Walk," and the cockroach walked. He cut off one of the legs on the cockroach and said walk again and the cockroach walked. He went on cutting off the cockroaches legs and telling it to walk. When he cut of all six of its legs the cockroach did not walk. The man wrote in his report that when you cut off all of the legs on a cockroach it becomes deaf.
 

A cop pulls a woman over and says, "Can I see your driver's licence?"
The girl asks, "What's a driver's licence?"
The cop says, "A little square thing with your picture on it."
So she dug through her purse and found a little hand mirror, and looked in it. She said, "This has my picture on it."
She handed it to the cop. He looks in it and says, "Why didn't you say you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over?"
 

Invisible Boy's Mother: Why are your grades so low?
Invisible Boy: Because the teacher always marks me absent.
 

Mum: Eat your roast chicken, it's got iron it!
Jack: No wonder it is tough!
 

A teacher said to a student could you count to ten for me. This is what the kid said: "1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 10."
The teacher asked, "Where is 9."
"7 ate 9," said the student matter-of-factly.
 

Counselor: Why is your nose swelling?
Camper: I bent over to smell a brose.
Counselor: There is no b in rose.
Camper: There was a bee in this one.
 

Bob: Why don't you wanna TACO 'bout it?
Josie: 'Cause I'm NACHO friend anymore!
 

The difference between a boxer and a man with a cold is that... One knows his blows and another blows his nose!
 

Once there was a boy who needed to do his home work. His homework was to write down his family's favourite words.
So when he got home he asked his mom who was listening to the radio, "What is your favourite word mom?"
"Shut up!" So he wrote that down.
Then he went to his dad who was watching football and his favourite team had just scored a goal, so the little boy asked his dad,"What is your favourite word dad?"
"Yeah!" So he wrote that down.
Next he went to his big sister and he asked her, "What is your favourite word?"
She was listening to her favourite CD and said, "A lollipop, a lollipop, a lollipop." So he wrote that down.
Next he went to his brother. He was watching the end of Batman, he asked him, "What is your favourite word?"
"Nananananananana Batman!" so he wrote that down.
Then he went to his baby sister who was playing with her cars. So he asked her, "What is your favourite word?"
"Voom, voom car, a voom, voom car." So he wrote that down.
The next day at school, the teacher asked him to share his homework with the class
He said, "Shut up!"
The teacher said, "Do you want to go to the principal's office?"
"Yeah!"
"What do you think you deserve?"
"A lollipop, a lollipop, a lollipop."
"Who do you think you are?"
"Nananananananana Batman!"
"What do you think you are going to get away with?"
"Voom, voom car, a voom, voom car."
 

Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4?
Student: That's not fair! You answered the easy ones and left me with the hard one!
 

Italy got Hungary, ate Turkey, slipped in Greece, broke China, went shopping in Iceland and got eaten by Whales.
 

Judge: Don't you have common sense? Why did you rob the shop again and again?
Thief: The board hanging on the shop says "Thank you, come again."
 

Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
Louie: Because George still had the axe in his hand?
 

If this is New York, where is the old one?
 

Electrician: Your doorbell doesn't work, because you have a short circuit in the wiring.
Housewife: Well for goodness sake lengthen it!
 

Dan: What do you get if you cross a pro baseball player with some cake ingrediants?
Sam: What?
Dan: A batter.
 

My wife still misses me but her aim's getting better!
 

There were three construction workers. The first man always had ham and cheese, the second had salami and swiss, and the third a hot dog. They all said, "If I get that for lunch again, I will jump off the Empire State Building!!"

The next day, the first guy got ham and cheese for lunch. So he jumped off the Empire State Building. His wife said, "I should have packed him something different!!"

The guy who had salami and swiss also jumped off the Empire State Building. His wife said, "I should have packed something different for my husband!!"

The third guy got a hot dog again, so he jumped off the Empire State Building. His wife said, "Why did he do that? He packs his own lunch!!"
 

There is a California dude going through a desert. He's wearing shorts, sunglasses, a towel and listening to music on his walkman. He's having a good time. Suddenly he sees a caravan approaching. He stops the men and asks them cheerfully, "Hey dudes how far is the sea?"
They look at each other and say, "Two thousand miles!"
And he says, "Wow what a cool beach!!!"
 

Patient: Doctor, Doctor. I think I'm blind.
Man: I think you are blind. This is a chip shop!
 

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