Jokes for Kids
Welcome to our jokes page. We know you will LOL while reading these funny jokes. Enjoy! :D
A sea serpent saw a big tanker,
bit a hole in her side and then sank'er
in a minute or two,
it swallowed the crew,
then picked its teeth with the anchor.
There were three construction workers. The first man always had ham and cheese, the second had salami and swiss, and the third a hot dog. They all said, "If I get that for lunch again, I will jump off the Empire State Building!!"
The next day, the first guy got ham and cheese for lunch. So he jumped off the Empire State Building. His wife said, "I should have packed him something different!!"
The guy who had salami and swiss also jumped off the Empire State Building. His wife said, "I should have packed something different for my husband!!"
The third guy got a hot dog again, so he jumped off the Empire State Building. His wife said, "Why did he do that? He packs his own lunch!!"
There was a family of tomatoes, the father tomato, the mother tomato and the baby tomato. They were walking down the road one day and baby tomato kept lagging behind. So finally the father tomato went back and stepped on him and said, "Catch up!"
Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
A girl went out one day and when she came back her house was on fire. She called the fire department and the lady that answered the phone told her to calm down. Then the lady asked, "How do we get to your house?"
The girl replied, "DUH! On your big red truck!"
A man walked into a pub and bought a sandwich, then a panda walked into the pub and stole the sandwich, ate it, shoots the barman and leaves. So the man goes out and says to the panda, "Why did you eat my sandwich, shoot the barman and then just leave?"
The panda says, "Look panda up in the dictionary."
So he looked Panda up and read: Eats shoots and leaves.
Doctor: What's your problem?
Patient: Doctor, I don't know why nobody wants to talk to me.
Doctor: Nurse, call the next patient!
There was a really dumb girl and she failed a test. Her teacher wanted her to come in after school and make it up. On the note home to her parents the teacher wrote: Make up test.
The following day the girl brought lipstick and eye shadow to school.
Patient: Doctor, Doctor! Last night I had a dream I ate a giant marshmallow!
Doctor: That's nice, so what's the problem?
Patient: Well, when I woke up my pillow was gone!
A guy and his elephant are driving and get pulled over. The policeman says, "You need to take the elephant to the zoo." So the guy took his elephant to the zoo.
The next day, the same policeman pulls over the same guy and elephant. The policeman says, "I told you to take the elephant to the zoo."
The guy says, "I did yesterday, today we are going to a baseball game."
Jeddah: I can make you say yellow.
Alexis: Try me.
Jeddah: Okay. What's the color of this?
Jeddah: See I told you I could make you say yellow?
Alexis: I didn't say yellow!!
Jeddah: Ha, ha, you just did!
A girl once got lost near a river. She traveled up and down it searching for a way to get to the other side.
She tried walking in the shallow part of the river and she even tried grabbing onto a branch that stretched half way across the river to try to swing to the other side. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't get across.
After many failed attempts, she finally felt like giving up. Yet, at the last moment, she saw a person walking by and decided to follow her across the bridge.
Teacher: Give me a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it.
Student: If I had a sweater with ten buttons and two fell off, then I would only have to fascinate (fasten eight)!
Once there was a boy who needed to do his home work. His homework was to write down his family's favourite words.
So when he got home he asked his mom who was listening to the radio, "What is your favourite word mom?"
"Shut up!" So he wrote that down.
Then he went to his dad who was watching football and his favourite team had just scored a goal, so the little boy asked his dad,"What is your favourite word dad?"
"Yeah!" So he wrote that down.
Next he went to his big sister and he asked her, "What is your favourite word?"
She was listening to her favourite CD and said, "A lollipop, a lollipop, a lollipop." So he wrote that down.
Next he went to his brother. He was watching the end of Batman, he asked him, "What is your favourite word?"
"Nananananananana Batman!" so he wrote that down.
Then he went to his baby sister who was playing with her cars. So he asked her, "What is your favourite word?"
"Voom, voom car, a voom, voom car." So he wrote that down.
The next day at school, the teacher asked him to share his homework with the class
He said, "Shut up!"
The teacher said, "Do you want to go to the principal's office?"
"What do you think you deserve?"
"A lollipop, a lollipop, a lollipop."
"Who do you think you are?"
"What do you think you are going to get away with?"
"Voom, voom car, a voom, voom car."
One day a lady entered a pet shop.
Lady: May I have a rabbit for my daughter?
Storekeeper: Sorry Ma'am, we don't do trades.
If teachers are so smart then why are they in school?
A neutron walks into a bar, buys a drink then asks how much for his drink. The bartender says, "For you, no charge."
Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your dad for another, how much would you have?
Boy: One dollar.
Teacher: Are you sure?
Boy: Yes, my dad wouldn't give me a dollar!
Coca Cola went to town
Pepsi Max shot him down
Dr. Pepper helped him up
Now they are drinking 7 Up.
A chicken walks into a library. He goes up to the librarian and says "book book." The librarian gives him two books and he walks away.
The next day the chicken walks up to the librarian and said "book book." The librarian wonders what the chicken is doing with the books, so she follows him out the door and to a pond. The chicken held up the books to a frog and the frog said, "Red it, red it."
Teacher: Who was the first woman on earth?
Boy: I don't know?
Teacher: Think of the apple story.
Boy: I know, Granny Smith!
Two girls were watching the 11 o'clock news when the first girl said, "I bet you five dollars that the man jumps off the building."
The second girl said, "You're on."
Well, five minutes later the guy jumped off the building. The first girl said," I can't take your money, I saw the five o'clock news."
The second girl said, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd be stupid enough to do it again."
I guess they found a cure for Bieber Fever, because now everyone's got One Direction Infection!
Screen door: Something kids get a bang out of!
There was a man who bought a camel. The previous owner told him that to make it walk, say "few," to make it run, say "many" and to make it stop say "amen". So one day the man decided to have a practise ride. He said "few" and the camel started walking, he said "many" and it started running, right towards the edge of a cliff. But the man forgot how to make it stop, so, panicking, he shouted out "Lord save me, Lord save me, Amen" and of course the camel stopped - at the VERY edge. Relieved the man said to himself, "Phew, that was clo-aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
See this finger here? Yesterday I whacked it with a hammer. I think I hit the wrong nail!
There were 3 cats, The first cat said, "Meow."
Second cat said, "Meow."
Third cat said, "Meow, meow."
The first cat said, "Don't change the subject."
Patient: Doctor, Doctor. I keep seeing in to the future.
Doctor: When did this start?
Patient: Next Tuesday.
There were three girls going for a hike in the desert. The first girl said, "I'll bring water in case we get thirsty."
The second said, "I'll bring food in case we get hungry."
The last said, "I'll bring the car door, so if we get hot we can roll the window down!"
Counselor: Why is your nose swelling?
Camper: I bent over to smell a brose.
Counselor: There is no b in rose.
Camper: There was a bee in this one.
Teacher: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No, sir. It's the same dog.
Nani: A man walks into a library and says fghgfhvyjj tytutyhhrty. What does the man want?
Nani: I don't know, I am not the librarian!
John: Can I cut you in line?
Stella: No, I would like to stay in one piece!
There were 3 people and they were all bragging about their country. The first person says, "We were the first in space!"
And the second responds, "Well, we were first on the moon! Beat that!"
So the third person says, "Well, that's nothing. Me and my crew are going to the sun!"
"How are you gonna do that?" said the other two.
"Well duh! We are gonna go at night!"
Kid: I bet I can make you say Black. What's the color of the sky?
Kid's friend: Blue
Kid: Told you I could make you say blue.
Kid's friend: What? You said black.
Kid: Told you I could make you say black.
There were three people. One was called Nobody, the second was called Somebody and third Crazy. One day Nobody killed Somebody. Crazy called the police and said, "Nobody killed Somebody!"
The police asked, "Are you crazy?"
"Yes I am. How did you know?"
Once an old man and woman went to a restaurant and ordered two sandwiches. The waiter brought the sandwiches and the old man started to eat but the women was only staring at the food. The waiter noticed this and went to see what the problem was. The old woman said nothing and just stared at him but the old man interrupted and said, "The sandwich is delicious, but she can't eat because I am using her teeth."
Dentist: Stop making a face, I haven't even touched your teeth .
Tommy: I know, but you're stepping on my foot!
A cat died in a house. The servant started crying badly.
Master: It is only a cat that has died, why are you crying so much?
Servant: Master, when the cat was there I used to drink the milk and put the blame on it. Now on whom will I put the blame?
One day, Ah Meng asked Siew Lee, "Why do lions eat raw meat?"
Siew Lee said, "Because they are wild animals?"
Ah Meng said, "Wrong! They eat raw meat because they can't cook!"
A small boy is asked to find out what the first 4 letters of the alphabet are for his homework.
"Mum, what's the first letter of the alphabet?"
"Shut up and go away," she replied.
The boy went to his dad. "Dad, what's the second letter of the alphabet?"
"YYYYEEEAAAHHH!!!" The boy's dad roared; football was on the TV and his team had scored.
"Brother, what is the third letter of the alphabet?" The boy asked his brother, who was playing with his action men.
"Action Man, the greatest hero of them all!" He cried.
"Sister, what is the fourth letter of the alphabet?" The boy's sister was playing with her Barbie dolls.
"Drive away in the Barbie car, beep, beep!" The boy's sister sang.
The next day in school the teacher asked the boy what the first letter was.
"Shut up and go away!" He replied.
"Do you want to see the head teacher?" Teacher yells.
The boy is sent to the head teacher.
"Who do you think you are?" The headmaster shouts in his face.
"Action Man, the greatest hero of them all!"
"How do you think you're going to get away with this?"
"Drive away in the Barbie car, beep, beep!"
Three girls have a car crash and they all die. When they get up to the gates of heaven Saint Peter says, "Inside heaven there are lots of ducks, if you stand on one you will be given a terrible punishment!" The first girl steps on a duck and gets tied to a really ugly man, then the second girl steps on a duck and she gets tied to a really ugly man. The third girl doesn't step on a duck, so she walks along and a really handsome man gets tied to her and she said, "WOW, what have I done to deserve this?"
The really handsome man said, "I don't know, but I stepped on a duck!"
On the day before Thanksgiving there was a parrot who talked dirty and said bad words a lot. His owner got so annoyed he stuffed the parrot in the freezer. After the owner had calmed down he got the parrot out of the freezer, the parrot politely asked, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
Art teacher: Mimi, I told the class to draw a horse and cart, but you have only drawn a horse!
Mimi: Yes sir, the horse will draw the cart!
Student: Teacher, Teacher!
Student: Can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: After you recite the alphabet.
Student: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z!
Teacher: Where did the P go?
Student: It's running down my leg!
LaKesheauna: My dentist put his finger in a lion's mouth to see how many teeth it had.
Latangela: What did the lion do?
LaKesheauna: It closed its mouth to see how many fingers my dentist had.
Erin: Hey Taya, did you hear the joke about the bed?
Taya: No, what is it?
Erin: Never mind, it hasn't been made up yet.
Pete and Repete were in a boat. Pete fell out who was left?
Pete and Repete were in a boat. Pete fell out who was left?
Pete and Repete were in a boat. Pete fell out who was left?
Repeat process until your friend gets annoyed. :)
Sam: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this?
Joe: It's because your feet aren't empty.
If you want to see some more jokes just reload the page.
There is a girl who has never ridden a horse. She gets on a horse for the first time. The horse starts to trot, then gallop. The girl gets scared and falls to the underside of the horse. The girl is getting trampled by the unknowing horse, and at the brink of being knocked out, when Willy the Wal-Mart worker unplugs the electric horse.
Riddles | Knock-Knock
Jokes | Jokes
Animal Jokes | Banana Jokes | Cat Jokes | Chicken Jokes | Computer Jokes | Dinosaur Jokes
Doctor Jokes | Dog Jokes | Elephant Jokes | Food Jokes | Insect Jokes | Movie Jokes
Music Jokes | Outer Space Jokes | School Jokes | Sports Jokes
Christmas Jokes | Easter Jokes | Halloween Jokes | Valentine Jokes
||Find us on Facebook at: Squigly's Playhouse
||Find us on Twitter @Squiglys