Squigly Jokes and Riddles

Funny Jokes

Welcome to our funny jokes page. All these jokes have been submitted by kids visiting our playhouse. We know these jokes will make you LOL! :D





Jokes

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, will this ointment clear up my spots?
Doctor: I never make rash promises.
 

Dan: What do you get if you cross a pro baseball player with some cake ingrediants?
Sam: What?
Dan: A batter.
 

Student asking his teacher: Do you punish people for things they don't do?
Teacher: No.
Student: Good, because I haven't done my homework today.
 

Tel: That's funny, my shaving brush is very stiff this morning!
Jack: But it was nice and soft when I painted the fence with it yesterday.
 

Student: Teacher, Teacher!
Teacher: Yes?
Student: Can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: After you recite the alphabet.
Student: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z!
Teacher: Where did the P go?
Student: It's running down my leg!
 

A vicar was going to a funeral. After 2 hours on the motorway, he reaches the funeral. When he gets there, he gets out of the car, puts his satnav in his pocket (but forgets to turn it off). Once he had read all the prayers, the coffin was brought to be buried with all the relatives standing around it. Suddenly, the satnav says, "You have reached your final destination!"
 

Mum: Eat your roast chicken, it's got iron it!
Jack: No wonder it is tough!
 

One day a lady entered a pet shop.
Lady: May I have a rabbit for my daughter?
Storekeeper: Sorry Ma'am, we don't do trades.
 

Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
Louie: Because George still had the axe in his hand?
 

Person 1: Did you hear about the ball player they put in jail?
Person 2: No.
Person 1: He stole all the bases!
 

Dad: Go buy us a drink.
Son: Coke or Pepsi?
Dad: Coke.
Son: Normal or diet?
Dad: Normal.
Son: Bottle or can?
Dad: Bottle.
Son: 1L or 0.5L?
Dad: Just go buy some water!
Son: Carbonated or normal?
Dad: Normal!
Son: Cold or hot?
Dad: Get out!
Son: Now or later?
Dad: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
 

Little Jaden told his his dad he wanted to get married. His dad asked, "Do you have any one in mind?"
He said, "Yes, grandma."
Dad asked, "My mom? Why?"
Little Jaden said, "Well, you married my mom!"
 

Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your dad for another, how much would you have?
Boy: One dollar.
Teacher: Are you sure?
Boy: Yes, my dad wouldn't give me a dollar!
 

An elephant asked an ant, "Please hide me." So the ant replied, "Hide behind me."
 

There was a man that studied bugs. He caught a cockroach and put it on the floor of his lab, and said "Walk," and the cockroach walked. He cut off one of the legs on the cockroach and said walk again and the cockroach walked. He went on cutting off the cockroaches legs and telling it to walk. When he cut of all six of its legs the cockroach did not walk. The man wrote in his report that when you cut off all of the legs on a cockroach it becomes deaf.
 

Patron: Waiter, what's this Praying Mantis doing in my soup?
Waiter: Saying grace.
 

Two girls are distracted by another girl singing terribly, so they said, "You should sing tenor. Ten or twelve miles away from here!"
 

Is this milk pasteurized?
No, it's only up to your nose.
 

Jeddah: I can make you say yellow.
Alexis: Try me.
Jeddah: Okay. What's the color of this?
Alexis: Pink?
Jeddah: See I told you I could make you say yellow?
Alexis: I didn't say yellow!!
Jeddah: Ha, ha, you just did!
Alexis: Darn!
 

A little girl was staying at her grandmothers for the night because her parents were going out for the night. The little girl said, "May I please borrow the toilet?"
Her grandmother replied, "Certainly, but make sure you put it back once you're done with it!"
 

Mary had a little lamb,
But the lamb started to tease her.
Mary said, "STOP!"
But the lamb refused
So now it's in the freezer.
 

If pigs could fly, imagine what their wings would taste like!
 

One day a lady was walking down the street with her baby and a man insulted her terribly by saying, "Why that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen!"

The lady was so devastated she sat down beside a tree and started sobbing, then a lady showed up and said, "What is the matter honey?"
The lady answered, "See that man over there? He said I have the ugliest baby."
"Why lady don't cry, I've got you a tissue for you and a banana for your monkey!"
 

A chicken walks into a library. He goes up to the librarian and says "book book." The librarian gives him two books and he walks away.

The next day the chicken walks up to the librarian and said "book book." The librarian wonders what the chicken is doing with the books, so she follows him out the door and to a pond. The chicken held up the books to a frog and the frog said, "Red it, red it."

 

Patient: Doctor, doctor. I feel invisible.
Doctor: What? What? Who said that?
 

2 fish went down an alley, one go battered!
 

Tongue Twister: A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk but the stump thunk the skunk stunk!
 

Patient: Doctor, Doctor! Last night I had a dream I ate a giant marshmallow!
Doctor: That's nice, so what's the problem?
Patient: Well, when I woke up my pillow was gone!
 

There is a California dude going through a desert. He's wearing shorts, sunglasses, a towel and listening to music on his walkman. He's having a good time. Suddenly he sees a caravan approaching. He stops the men and asks them cheerfully, "Hey dudes how far is the sea?"
They look at each other and say, "Two thousand miles!"
And he says, "Wow what a cool beach!!!"
 

Once this guy wanted a pet bird so he walked into this pet store with a sign that said 'MAGICAL PETS'. Once he was in the pet store he understood why. There were dogs with no ears or eyes, cats dancing on their hands, rabbits that could only say ribbit, and finally in the far, far corner a parrot that looked like it was doing nothing at all. So the guy walked up to the manager and said, "What is so magical about that parrot over there?"
The manager smiled and said, "I will show you." So they walked over to the back of the room and the manager pulled the parrot's left leg. Before the guy knew it the parrot was singing the national anthem!
"WOW!" the guy said. "What happens if you pull his right leg?" So the manager pulled the parrot's right leg and the parrot sang Your A Grand Old Flag! "WOW!!!" The guy said. "What about both legs?"
But before the manager could say a word the parrot said, "I'll fall stupid!"
 

Customer: There is a fly in my soup.
Waitress: Don't worry the spider in your bread will get it.
 

Stevie: Hey, Mom, I got a hundred in school today.
Mom: That's wonderful! What did you get a hundred in?
Stevie: In two things: I got forty in reading and sixty in spelling.
 

Patient: Doctor, Doctor. I keep seeing in to the future.
Doctor: When did this start?
Patient: Next Tuesday.
 

Teacher: How many seconds in a minute?
Student: 60
Teacher: How many minutes in an hour?
Student: 60
Teacher: Good, now for a hard one, how many seconds in a year?
Student: 12
Teacher: 12?
Student: Yes, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...
 

A man walked into a pub and bought a sandwich, then a panda walked into the pub and stole the sandwich, ate it, shoots the barman and leaves. So the man goes out and says to the panda, "Why did you eat my sandwich, shoot the barman and then just leave?"
The panda says, "Look panda up in the dictionary."
So he looked Panda up and read: Eats shoots and leaves.
 

There were three male dogs, a Golden Retriever, a Lab, and Chihuahua, walking down the street. On their walk, they met a beautiful French Poodle. They all ran up to the poodle. The poodle says to the three dogs, "Since you all want to marry me, whoever can say liver and cheese in a complete sentence will get to marry me."
The Golden Retriever says, "I love liver and cheese."
The poodle replied, "How childish"
The Lab says, "I hate liver and cheese."
"You're hopeless," said the poodle.
The Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."
 

There were 3 people and they were all bragging about their country. The first person says, "We were the first in space!"
And the second responds, "Well, we were first on the moon! Beat that!"
So the third person says, "Well, that's nothing. Me and my crew are going to the sun!"
"How are you gonna do that?" said the other two.
"Well duh! We are gonna go at night!"
 

Mother: Swimming makes you slim and trim.
Son: I don't think that's true.
Mother: Why?
Son: Look at the ducks, they are fat and stout!
 

A girl walks into a library and says, "I'd like a cheeseburger and some fries."
The librarian says, "This a library."
The girl whispers to the librarian, "I'd like a cheeseburger and some fries."
 

A man walks into a computer store.

Store Owner: Hello sir! Welcome to The Computer store!
Man: I would like to buy a computer that sings really well.
Owner: Well, we have Macs.
Man: No, no.
Owner: Would you like to look at our PC collection?
Man: Okay.
Owner: How about you buy a dell? (Adele)
Man: NOW THAT'S A SINGING COMPUTER!
 

Erin: Hey Taya, did you hear the joke about the bed?
Taya: No, what is it?
Erin: Never mind, it hasn't been made up yet.
 

Patient: Doctor, Doctor. I think I'm turning into curtains.
Doctor: Pull your self together!
 

Two men walked into a bar. One ducked and the other said, "Ouch!"
 

Boy: God, what is a thousand years to you?
God: A second.
Boy: God, what is a thousand dollars to you?
God: A penny.
Boy: God, can I have a penny?
God: Sure, just a second.
 

A teacher asked a girl, "How was the Red Sea formed?"
The girl said, "Sorry Miss, I don't know who painted it."
 

One day three women walked into a bar. The bartender said that if they looked into the mirror and told the truth they would get $10,000.00. But if they told a lie, they would disappear forever.

The first girl went up and said, "I think I'm the prettiest one in the bar." She got $10,000.00.

The next girl went up and said, "I think I'm the smartest one in the bar." She got $10,000.00 too.

The last girl went up and said, "I think..." and POOF, she was gone.
 

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I'm going to die in 59 seconds!
Doctor: Hang on, I'll be there in a minute.
 

A boy was told to write a 100 word essay. He thought for a bit then started. 'I went out to call my cat in for the night, so I called 'kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty...'
 

Once there were two chocolate bunnies and one had their ear bit off. One said, "Happy Easter."
"Huh?" Said the other.
 

A man once said he bet I couldn't name a landmark in Egypt. I replied, "You Sphinx?"
 

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